Went to a local Chinese place for takeout for the first time. It was the Pearl House. The pork fried rice is really good but their version of egg foo young is a little different than what I had in mind. It’s not like up in K-Falls. If I’d been able to see a picture of this dish online, I wouldn’t have gotten it. The people were nice but the restaurant was filthy.

I don’t know what it was but they had this single huge and ugly fish in this giant tank I’d hate to have to maintain. The fish was still cool-looking and had to be around 2’ long.

Incredibly, there was no loud car over the weekend but there was a motorcycle and plenty of planes today that are pretty annoying. Even with the air cleaner on I can still hear them roaring overhead. A few a day I could handle but this is too much.

The pigs’ hay holders arrived today. Definitely cuts back the mess. The rats’ liners also arrived but I’m pretty sure they’re going to fuck it up when they get up later on.

Lori was born hypo and went from Armour to Levothyroxine over the years. I asked her if she ever skipped for any reason and she said no, she can’t skip her medication. She’s also on cholesterol medication. Those with bum thyroids usually are. Especially if they’re older.

Well, I’m quitting my meds all week because I am just so fucking fed up with this endless cycle of on-and-off anxiety I’ve been dealing with for over 4.5 years now. Something has to give. Seriously. I can’t keep taking this year after year. I’ll only end up killing myself if this keeps up much longer. I would really prefer to keep the suicide reserved for if he dies first, if we’re facing homelessness like we were years ago, or some kind of extreme event like that. If I was suddenly unable to walk, blind…that sort of thing.

Of course I’ve been better today and what waves of anxiety I’ve felt have been very minimal and barely noticeable. Placebo effect? I sure hope so but there has only been one day that I remember where I skipped and still got “stabbed.”

As I’ve said before, the best way to handle a problem is to simply wash your hands of it and walk away whenever that’s an option. Well, it looks like I’m going to have to walk away even if it means being hypo. It’s like something up there wants me to suffer either way. It’s just a matter of choosing the lesser evil. I would’ve chosen anxiety if there was a remedy that could cancel it out safely and effectively but since I haven’t found one yet, I’m doubtful the shrink will be able to help me.

I’m compiling a list of things that make me believe it is/isn’t the medication. I really really hope I get anxious during the week because the last thing I want it to be is a drug my body needs. The best thing it could be would be hormonal changes as I go into menopause. Next would be if I just suddenly up and developed an anxiety disorder for some reason even though that seems the least likely. But the worst would definitely be the medication. Not going to find out until and if I go long enough without it. I’m just going to play it by ear until my next trip to the lab but there are two different experiments I could do afterward. I could just not take it for about 4.5 months as I would need 6 weeks prior to labs to build my levels back up, or I could do 30 days on, 10 days off, and just rotate back and forth between that no matter how I feel, then see if it keeps the anxiety away.

All I know is that I’m done with this fucking bullshit somehow, some way, this year. No, life isn’t what we plan it, but I’ve had enough and I’m done! If the shrink can’t help me and I can’t adjust the medicine so I don’t get stabbed, then I may have to turn some of these dark thoughts into a reality. There’s simply no way I can deal with this for another 20-something years. Nearly half a decade is killing me as it is, so 20-something years would be way too hard. That’s just way too long. I totally believe the quality of life is more important than the quantity or staying alive just because you can. I think one should have the right to end their life if they’re suffering in ways that cannot be changed. I certainly don’t want it to come to that. I would rather not suffer and live, but again, we aren’t in the driver’s seat of our lives as much as we may like to think we are.

I read on Prosebox how a woman was saying she would never tell her daughter that she could do anything as long as she put her mind to it because there are always barriers that slap you back to reality no matter how hard you try and focus on your goals/dreams, and I totally agree. We don’t get to plan our careers. We don’t get to plan whether or not we fall in love. We don’t get to plan whether or not we have a family, and if we do, we don’t get to plan when. We don’t get to plan what diseases we will and won’t get.

When you really think about it, we don’t get to plan much more than what we may eat for breakfast and wear that day.

I was tortured with anxiety yesterday and didn’t get any relief from the wine I was drinking even though it tasted really good. I’m having the Merlot today and it’s good but not quite as good as the Rosé. This one has 13% alcohol instead of 10% and it definitely has a very alcohol-like taste to it.

Never thought I’d wish for this but during the week I will definitely be hoping for stabs of anxiety in my chest because that would make my medications suspicions a lot weaker. So come on, adrenaline! Stab me! But the thing is that I can’t make the anxiety come and I can’t make it go. This isn’t anything like the butterflies in the stomach I was experiencing a year or two before this particular kind of anxiety kicked in. I have been able to calm a racing heart, I have been able to get rid of the butterflies through the ET Stacey taught me, but I have never been able to stop the stabbers. So am I just not meant to? Does something up there actually want me to suffer? Is something trying to tell me it wants me to quit my medication and just be hypo? Well, that’s exactly what’s going to happen if it does turn out to be the medication because what other choice would I have? I know untreated Hashimoto’s can kill but it’s not like it’s going to happen overnight and I can’t live forever anyway. You could go into a coma, yes, but I know that complications from the disease would most likely get me first and that would be in the form of a stroke or a heart attack. But guess what? I’m already at risk of those things and likely to die from that if I don’t end up killing myself for whatever reason.

The only thing I’m really worried about is weight gain. The dry skin, brain fog and thinning hair (some of which I already have) would be more bearable. But down here at my height, I can’t afford to carry so much extra weight. My range of mobility could be affected to the point where I have to join Kim in not being able to cut my own toenails. I’ve never asked her and she’s never said so but I’m pretty sure the reason she has to have them cut is that she’s too fat to reach them herself.

Speaking of Kim, I made a comment about suffering while she seems to be so lucky and she said she washes her hands regularly. That’s how she “rolls.”

And now I’m rolling my eyes thinking if only some of us could just wash our hands clean of our problems like she apparently can. And if only I could just be happy for others. It isn’t that I’m not happy for those who don’t have the problems I do. I just resent the fact that I can’t be one of these people. Why can’t I keep a schedule? Why can’t diet and exercise bring me normal results? Why can’t I take the medication I need? Why can’t I have two normal ears? Why did I get LS? Why can’t I live in peace? But then most places are noisy so I can scrap that last one.

Wish I knew why my TMJ has been worse lately. The weather? Because my ear is a bit gunked up? I’ve been oiling it but it just can’t shed dead skin like a normal ear canal. My ENT appointment is still three months away. I know I could get in earlier but I’m tired of running to doctors for everything I feel. They don’t do much for me anyway.

Watched the movie 22 July on Netflix and OMFG! I get not wanting dangerous radicals around but killing innocent people? How does that solve the problem? The problem lies within those who don’t deal with the rads properly. Not innocent teenagers.

I heard of this event but didn’t know the details surrounding it. It’s almost always politically motivated, religious shit, or the voices in their heads telling them to commit their heinous crimes anyway.

Aly continues to have all kinds of physical and life problems. The latest is a leaky roof and a dead refrigerator-freezer combo. We can certainly relate!

Still don’t think she’s always a hundred percent honest with me but that’s just Aly. Even she’s admitted she knows she has a problem with lying. I deliberately left some blatant errors in a copy of a blog I sent her and she never said anything about it. So she’s not reading closely or she’s just not saying anything.

Saturday she was whining on her other Twitter account again about feeling abandoned on the weekend. Then I texted her and she deleted that tweet. Interesting.