Day 4 of skipped meds. Still not anxious but my TMJ is worse lately and I got woken up half a dozen times, thanks to traffic, a military aircraft, and a nightmare. So for the millionth time, I’m too tired to do anything physical. Not gonna be able to get caught up on sleep till I’m back on days, or close enough to it. Meanwhile, all I can do is hope that being woken up half the time will help even out our lifespans since it supposedly shortens your life.

Since we just can’t find an affordable alternative and my sleep is cursed either way, fuck it. Just fuck it. Let them wake me up. We’d have to get hundreds of feet away for traffic not to wake me up but if I’m as cursed in the sleep department as I so obviously seem to be, I’d only get woken up for other reasons even if it was just because, no matter where we went. There’s just no beating this thing. I’ve been hopelessly trying to win this losing battle with getting to sleep without disruptions since 1992.

I realize that the box fan I would sleep with in Maricopa would no longer do me any good. Not with how loud modern vehicles are. There certainly wouldn’t be nearly as many vehicles going down Ralston or Meadow Green but all it takes is one. And that one would need something louder than a box fan.

I’ll just get as much done when I’m rested and veg out when I’m woken up and tired. No more trying to clean at night. I not only don’t have the energy because of all the daytime sleep disturbances but that way I don’t have to go out in the dark to shake the duster and risk getting sprayed by a skunk or letting nocturnal creepy crawlies in. So it might get a bit dustier in here but the duster should still work either way when I do get to it. I’ll still hit the important things like the kitchen and bathrooms.

The only way out of here that I can think of (buying a cheap old RV) is too risky, and to be honest, I don’t want to go back to living like bums. We did that enough. We’ve had our bum living days so unless it’s practically free and right on the ocean (not the beach), I’d like to stick to things that aren’t practically antiques. Plus, I’d sleep even worse in an RV since his movements would jar the thing no matter how careful he was.

Here goes the lack of sleep runs. For quite a while now, I’ve also had what feels like a lump at the left front base of my neck yet I don’t feel anything when I touch that area and I don’t feel like there’s a lump in my throat either. A growth in my trachea? Seems unlikely since my breathing isn’t constricted in any way so I don’t know what it is. Tom thinks it’s me just being overly sensitive to slight differences. Yeah, maybe so. I don’t notice it when I’m standing or sitting. When I’m lying down and I put my head down towards my right breast, I don’t feel anything. Go to the left and it’s almost like there’s something in the way that’s lodged at the base of my neck. PCP feels my thyroid every time I see her, so it shouldn’t be enlarged. If that was going to happen it would be after years of not taking my meds. I don’t think that’s something that can happen that fast. Not from what I’ve heard anyway.

Gave it some thought and there are 3 things I could try with the meds, though I’m not going to decide anything for sure either way till after I see the doctor.

• 30 days on, 5 days off no matter how I feel, with a conscious effort to be consistent 6 weeks prior to labs if I can stand to be.
• Quit for 4-6 months and see how I do.
• Take the poison consistently until I get anxious, then automatically take a week off when I do, regardless of when the next lab appointment is.

Trimmed my bangs. Still not sure when I want to bring it to my shoulders, though. It’s at my waist right now.

I take it that wasn’t him that made that loud thump at 8:30? Sounded like something slapped the underside of the bedroom floor or maybe messed with the heater. Since we’re never going to have spy cams, I couldn’t see if anything was parked back there but I don’t think so. Was too lazy to get dressed and check it out.

It’s funny how I get this malicious Flash pop-up on Ask telling me Flash needs to be updated when it does that on its own, complain to them, and get told to take a screenshot of it, but then I stop getting these pop-ups before I get a chance to do so.

Fucking idiots.

I keep going back and forth in my mind between thinking my emoji questioner is someone who knows me and that it’s not. I’ve asked for their identity a few times yet I’ve never gotten an answer. Wouldn’t you be quick to say you were just a random questioner if you didn’t know the person? It’s almost like they want to hide their identity because they know me.

On the other hand, anyone who knew me wouldn’t have to ask what’s wrong with where I live after someone asked what I regret right now and I said, “Moving here.”

Seriously, I have never lived anywhere I was truly happy. There were a few places I was excited to move to only to find out it wasn’t what I expected and hoped it would be. Much like an adult community and country living. It truly does feel like I’m not meant to ever live in a place I absolutely love and would never want to leave.

My dreams ranged from strange to scary. Some woman and I had just come from a pet store where there was a really friendly purple rat. I told her I wondered if we should have gotten it and she said she knew the rat was really friendly because she had taken care of it before it was for sale. So then we decided to go back and get it.

Then Tom and I were staying at a hotel somewhere when I went to meet him in the parking lot after we had been doing our own thing. I came out of the building and was carefully going around people with a few huge dogs, giving them plenty of space. I walked into the parking lot to meet Tom and go wherever we were going, spotted him gazing off in the distance, then watched him morph into Johnson.

Then he and I were out somewhere when I suddenly remembered something I forgot to take with us. Pretty sure this was a different dream and we weren’t on vacation. We seemed to be living in an apartment actually.

So Tom dropped me off so I could run in for whatever it was I’d forgotten. But when I entered the place, I forgot what I forgot. Not wanting to leave empty-handed and feeling like I had to grab something, I grabbed a single glove, LOL.

We were definitely in a hotel in the last dream and this is the scary one that woke me up. Couldn’t get back to sleep afterward. The room was small with just one bed, a tiny kitchenette and a bathroom. We were just about to turn in for the night when the neighboring room started blasting music louder than loud.

Tom went out to confront them and I could hear stern voices a moment later. Curious to see exactly what was going on, I went to the door but found it had a key lock instead of a deadbolt. But there was no key in the lock. Hoping there was a spare one, I found one on the counter after a few minutes. By the time I stepped into the hall, all was silent and no one was in sight. Now worried for Tom, I called out his name. At first there was no answer and then he slowly shuffled out of a public restroom with cuts all over his head.

Instantly enraged, I ran through the open door and into the room where the loud music had been. There I was faced with a few people. I confronted the guy I thought was responsible for the assault. He was over six feet but I was too furious to care and I demanded to know if he assaulted Tom. His features took on a mix of expressions, mostly of hesitation.

“I’m calling the cops,” he said.

“Oh, you do that and I’ll be sure to call them as well!” I screamed at him.

Then someone dressed in all black with the visor of their cap pulled down in front of their face as if to hide their identity, grabbed the prick’s arms and handcuffed him. I don’t know if it was a woman or a man but as he was being walked forward, I started punching the shit out of him, promising to get a gun the next day and spill his guts all over the city.

WTF? Why and I getting spam from Nebraska Furniture Mart which I not only never signed up for, but I’m in California and their only locations are in Nebraska, Kansas and Texas. Since I could never stem the flow of spam a couple of my accounts were getting, I quit checking my spam box. But every now and then some piece of crap makes it into my inbox.

Why oh why do I always get the nutjobs for friends albeit an intelligent one this time? Well, it’s not that Aly is a nut. Far from it actually. She’s just incredibly sensitive and emotional, especially emotional. She’s getting contradicting lately, too. First her longest relationship was 9 months and now it’s almost two years. Her real-life bestie went from a Muslim female to a Muslim male whom she met in a gay nightclub.

This doesn’t mean I don’t get why she gets the way she does. I would be pissed too, if my check was garnished and I was left with only 12 bucks after the court reneged on their own deal as they often love to do. She supposedly now has a guarantee that they’re going to stick to what they agreed on since she’s not trying to run or avoid paying off her debt. Let’s hope so, for her sake, because when you are the law, you can make or break it whenever you want. I learned that the hard way.

The Kathleens and the Staceys of this world who are probably just as intelligent if not more, and that probably wouldn’t handle things the way she does by getting all emotional, never want to follow through on getting together.

It isn’t that I’m questioning and doubting my friendship with Aly. It’s just that she still gets a bit clingy and sometimes another side of her comes out that I can see she’s not as with it as her intelligence may make one think she is. Definitely has one physical problem after another but then so do I, and this will definitely play on one’s emotions. When we don’t feel good physically, we don’t usually feel good emotionally.

I don’t know if this means anything but as best as I can recall, when I add up the time I thought of having a kid on and off, it amounts to about 7 years. Same with how many years the freeloaders fucked up my life.

But our most serious money struggles only come to about 4 years.

It’s now been nearly 5 years that I’ve had to deal with anxiety. Does that mean this one is going to be one of those 7-year curses? It may be if it turns out that it’s not the meds causing my anxiety, but sadly, it really is looking like it is despite a few things that don’t make sense. I’m not perfectly calm but what anxiety I feel is so minimal that it barely counts as anxiety. I’m more stressed right now than anxious. I dread the next time I have to go to sleep because I know I’m going to be constantly interrupted.

Or maybe not. I did put the Bluetooth by my pillow, hoping it would mask the loudest of traffic so I could get out of having to use the earbuds. But maybe if I go back to the earbuds and just oil my ear regularly I won’t be woken up as much. At least not by traffic.