“When I was young I would sometimes be bummed about what I couldn’t have. Now I’m bummed about what I no longer have.”

This thought occurred to me recently. It’s so true too. Where I used to wish I could have this or wish I could have that, now it’s like I just wish I could have my old 20/20 eyesight back. I wish I could have my old metabolism back. I wish I could have my old skin back. And on and on and on.

Skipped today’s meds and am feeling better today than I did yesterday but I’m far from perfect. Just a few hours after getting up and the fatigue began to set in. Not debilitating fatigue but fatigue nonetheless. Plus, I still get that strange buzzing sensation in my head. That insatiable hunger is sort of lingering. I’ll try to get rid of it again by eating a little more but this is the type of hunger that hangs on no matter what I eat. I just hope Tom’s theory is correct in that my body is still trying to generate a period and that’s why I’m still having random PMS symptoms.

I have an idea for a medication experiment but I have time to work it through and think about it. I was thinking that I might stop the meds after my next trip to the vampire in June. I’ve never made it 6 months without anxiety, so if I can stand the hypo symptoms, I might not take it until 6 weeks before December labs and see how I do. I’m definitely back to thinking it’s the meds. No one’s that gullible and suggestible as far as a placebo goes. No one. Oh, how I’d love to participate in an experiment where I didn’t know if I was getting the real thing or not and see how I do. Bet I would really shock and disappoint the doctors in the end but I’m not so sure the doctors truly don’t believe the medication can make me anxious as opposed to it being more likely that they simply refuse to admit it can. All they care about are numbers, stats and norms.

With the exception of a few loud vehicles, it’s been so wonderfully quiet today that I haven’t had to have the sound machines on. Oh, it’s only due to the rain and wind, of course, but I’m enjoying it while it lasts. They’ll be back to their landscaping frenzy and the project craze soon enough. I don’t think it’s just the age of houses here that has people obsessed with projects because the houses were older in Phoenix yet the only projects I can remember were at the freeloaders’. I think this place is just one big magnet for noise. They’re like my mother was…obsessed with value and appearance. Plus, these people have more money than those in our old neighborhood in Phoenix.

The rain has caused Tom’s and my lungs to be tight and yesterday I needed a hit off my inhaler.

The company he works for may be changing ownership which could be good, bad or meaningless. It could be good if they give him more money. Bad if they let him go. Meaningless if nothing changes.

It’s hard to believe anything up there would be kind enough to let him have more money since he’s never been paid fairly yet and most people make more than he does, but I also can’t see it causing us to lose a place this noisy. I’m surprised he hasn’t been laid off by now since most jobs do come to an end, but the thought of that happening doesn’t scare me nearly as much as it used to. Not after all I’ve been through this last half a decade with my health. If anything wants us living like bums again, I’ll take it if it will give me a break with my health.

Tom and I were talking the other day and calculated that excluding weekends, holidays and days off, he should have less than 1200 days left to work, wherever that may be, before he’s eligible for full retirement.

I’m afraid that what got stuck in the disposal might actually be the little square ceramic tile that came with the patchouli incense. I swear I only threw down an extra flap of chicken skin and there were no bones in it. Also, when I went to light a stick, I couldn’t find the tile. The last time I burned one, I had the tile right by the sink so the ashes could fall into it. Without realizing it, the tile could have slipped down into the disposal. If we can’t recover it, I’ll pick out another scent from that company to get a new tile because these sticks can’t go in regular burners as the entire stick burns. It’s one of those minis that burns completely.

My hair is getting really long and I’m getting really sick of it. I know it looks cool and it’s always been one of my trademarks but comfort takes precedence over appearance as we age, and I’m thinking I might cut it in a few months or so. If it was thin and straight it would be easier to care for but it’s thick and curly. It’s a pain in the ass to wash it, to brush it, to be active with it, and even to sleep with it. I have to part it as if I’m making two ponytails and brush it out before showers so I don’t clog the drain with shedding hairs. I have to braid it and throw it up over the pillow or put it in a bun to sleep with it. I have to braid it when I’m doing anything physical because putting it in a ponytail is too much like having it down as some of the hair flops in front of me when I bend over. While my Turbie Twist towel helps dry it, having long wet hair stuck to my back right after showers in the winter isn’t much fun. It would be much easier to dye if it was shorter too, though I don’t know if I even want to continue that much either.

The toenail clippers for the pigs came, not that I can imagine they’d ever let me clip their nails, but at least they can be used for other things like cutting the cable ties to the mesh which I just removed now that they’re no longer using bedding.

Shook out the rainbow liner, vacuumed and washed it. Came out looking brand new! Now the sprinkles liner is in the pigs’ cage, which the rats want desperately to break into so they can troll them.

I created a third Twitter account to use as a micro-journal. I figured that sooner or later I really am going to get too old or too ill to do all-out journaling and will want a place where I can simply jot down the facts sort of like a bullet list and leave it at that.

I’m also still hoping that voice blogging will become the norm in addition to text blogging so I have that as an option as well. I’m doing that on Facebook lately and taking advantage of their “go live” feature. I like how I can control the audience, something I’m not going to want for most of the posts. I also get more than 90 seconds as opposed to on Bubbly.

Fucking Facebook, though! I don’t know if there were keywords that triggered their system or what but they said one of my private notes went against their community standards and so they were making it visible only to me. Instead, they deleted it. So no backing up journals there that were supposed to be visible only to me in the first place.

Anyway, I’ve got a Twitter account to keep in touch with Kim and Aly, one for sharing pics to represent my wake-up and vitamin times, and one for thoughts and events.