After being woken up by traffic THREE days in a row (along with other things), I told Tom I’ve had enough of the sleep deprivation that’s hindering me from living my life to its fullest and fucking with my brain since I can’t even think straight half the time and I want this house on the market and us gone by the end of the year! I can’t just stay here and not get much sleep for the rest of my life. That’s just not realistic. Fuck money, fuck insurance and fuck being trapped here. Really, I’ve never heard of anyone else who was unable to move when they wanted to. This only happens to us. I’m at the point where if we have to take only our computers, clothes and some kitchen stuff and live in a tiny, ancient RV for a while, fine. Love and health are much more important than money and material objects.

But even that isn’t doable for several different reasons. :(

Ugh, how can I not think my sleep is cursed?! Even if I wanted to think something up there wasn’t cursing it, I couldn’t believe that. It’s just too damn obvious. Something up there literally doesn’t want me sleeping most of the time! It’s one of many reminders that there can’t possibly be a God up there but only a devil. I’m tired of feeling like shit so much of the time because I’m not allowed to sleep! I knew yesterday’s energy was a rare occurrence and to enjoy it while I could as I would be denied sleep again soon enough. I miss the days of being woken up a few times a month instead of a few times a week. I’d be broke and sleep in a sleeping bag in the forest if that’s what it took to get my sleep! Seriously, I just want a place I can sleep in! Okay, so I know my sleep is cursed no matter where we live, but we can at least eliminate the traffic part of it someday, right? Right? And then it’ll just be thunder, my bladder, strange dreams, neck knockers and my ear waking me up if I don’t wake up just because, right?

But because only Tom and Jodi can’t move when they want to, Tom insists on building me a cacoon using the soundproofing material we’ve got, ensuring me it’ll block 80% of the noise. He’s mentioned this before too, so I said go ahead since I’ve got nothing to lose at this point, but I know it won’t do me any good. But how close you are to the soundproofing material matters, I guess. This makes sense, but I still have to see it help to believe it. The earbuds would actually be pretty helpful if they could just stay put and not irritate my ear. We’re just too fucking close to the road for as loud as traffic is these days for much to do me any good. Even after midnight, there’s traffic. What happened to the days of old people being early to bed, early to rise?

Other than being tired and stressed out, I haven’t had any actual “stabbings” but I’m definitely stressed out and almost feel like I’m floating up to the border where I might eventually become anxious. Right now my sleep is more of a problem than anxiety. Yes, it’s better than anxiety but still plenty bad enough. I’m missing out on so much life. I could be more active, spend more time with the animals, and do a lot more if I weren’t tired so much of the time. As it is, it’s taken me hours to do this entry which I’ve been doing in spurts.

Ralph is either the hypochondriac from hell or his own health is really going downhill because the paramedics are here for him again. No lights on next door so I guess they gave him a talking to about waking them up every time he has a crisis. They weren’t here long either. This time they came and went pretty fast. Got a feeling he won’t make it this time. Hopefully, we’ll be gone before there’s a chance someone can move in there with a motorcycle or other loud vehicle. Really, what’s the point of having adult communities if they’re going to be this noisy? Huh? What’s the point???

Now onto my intense hatred for 95% of the male population. I don’t know who I’d want to kill more if I could get away with it, the politicians that think they own women’s bodies or the rapists the “law” keeps setting free to re-offend.

I’m just so, so fucking tired of men telling women what to do. And don’t even think for a minute they’re banning abortion because they just love kids to death. No, these shitsters are doing it just to be controlling. If abortion isn’t eventually illegal everywhere, it will be in most of the country. Just so sad (and a bit frightening) to see the country get set back 46 years, and a predominantly white one, too. This barbaric shit is usually a thing in countries that aren’t predominantly white. I would have thought this was unconstitutional but I guess it was never part of the constitution in the first place since it wasn’t legalized till 1973.

shivers It sends chills down my spine to think of some poor teen raped by someone - maybe even a family member - and forced to have a kid that may come of it. I’d do all I could to induce an abortion for damn sure and I don’t care who may have a problem with me saying so either.

When it comes to most unfair/sick things, I can shrug them off and say, “Oh well, it’s not my problem.” It isn’t that I lack empathy or compassion but things just don’t faze me or get me as emotional as with many people be it due to being older or whatever. But as a woman, it’s hard not to take this shit personally and feel bad for the women it affects. Shit like this opens the door for other crazy laws that quite possibly could affect me directly. I just hope they can find good homes for all these unwanted kids or else they’re likely to be resented and abused if they stay with the mothers or end up in the system. I was actually “lucky” that I only got starved and threatened when in the foster system myself.

Haven’t gotten my glitter gel eyeshadow yet but my cat paw socks came. So cute!

Went out and checked the ground as best as I could yesterday morning and could only find 2 of 6 stars, not counting the one I stepped on the day we discovered them broken/cut. Tom will do a better search this weekend when he goes weeding and we’ll look under plants. I looked under the plant by the bedroom as best I could and didn’t find anything.

Here’s another weird thing I noticed. There was only an inch or two of wire hanging from the solar charger. That’s the same amount extending from the stars I found. Where the hell are the rest of the wires? They were staggered when new and ranged from 5 inches of wire to over a foot. Even when it’s windy there’s no way they could’ve simply blown away. But it’s still a bit hard to believe someone who happens to carry scissors around in their pocket just happened by and snipped them before pocketing them and walking off.