I can’t sleep, so I thought I’d write. Boy, am I gonna be exhausted when that alarm goes off in 7 hours!

How fucking weird. At 10:00, I saw tweak daddy next door, but I never saw a car or van. It looked like he was doing something to the poster that was in the front living room window.

Just now, though, I noticed he put newspaper over the two side windows facing our house. With blinds in there, why would he do that? Did he take the blinds down, but put up the newspaper to hide the fact that the house is vacant which is very obvious anyway?

I highly doubt anyone noticed me spying.

Now there’s a white car in the driveway.

I’ll bet he took down the blinds and put up sheets of newspaper for privacy for meeting a mistress in there. That car must’ve been hers. Or his. You never know. Or maybe he’s doing something illegal in there of some kind. All I can say is that these people are weird! Always have been, and always will be. If he’s screwing someone in there, why go to the extreme of putting newspaper up? Why not just get down on the floor and screw with the lights off? Maybe the newspaper is so they can talk, eat, drink something or do whatever after they screw, but they want light for it and not to be seen. Why put newspaper on the sides of the house, though? What does he think I’d do - try finding a way to tell Lenore? Maybe it’s the girl next door on the other side of their house. Maybe they don’t want her boyfriend or husband to peek in on her if he were to go looking for her if she does have a boyfriend or a husband.

Later...

I woke up sooo tired at 7:15. Then at 8:50, I napped for a little over an hour. I prayed for help on this yesterday just to end up taking a nap. It sure makes me feel like a failure. If being a mom means being more tired than that 7 days a week, then there’s no way I can do it. There’d be absolutely no way I could ever handle it. Even when it does get to the point where they sleep all night, for the first 4-5 years they’re home all day. I couldn’t be sleeping when I’m supposed to be tending to its needs and keeping an eye on it.

What I need to do, though, is to stop saying what I would not be able to do with a kid, cuz there’s never really gonna be a kid no matter what he says or what I sense.

I sensed Robin after I prayed, which I’ll expand on later. Meanwhile, I find it ironic that videotapes are all playing with white fuzzy lines of static through them right after she visits.

Also, I think over the last couple of days since I prayed God did give me a sign and answer some questions.

Cutting down smoking was so much easier yesterday, suggesting that God just might want to help me with that and that He does think it’s an important issue.

Today’s sign was definitely reminding me that I can’t handle a kid. Maybe that saying about how God doesn’t give us more than we can handle is true for some people and I’m one of them. Should I even ask Him for a child when the answer seems so obvious? Should I just stick to the smoking, the Robin case, and do whatever I can do about the sleeping schedule?

Later...

I hope this journal will bring better luck with the issue of smoking, sleeping, and Robin. Yes, the kid is hopeless and I do see more and more why it’s not meant to be. Do I still have hard feelings, though? Yes. Especially when I see people with worse problems than I’ve got getting pregnant.

Right now I’m gonna go begin searching through those thousands of newsgroups.

Later...

I searched through some newsgroups for a while until I got knocked offline. So far I haven’t found anything.

I forgot to mention more about next door (my other case). When I saw him in there last night, I thought I saw the handlebar of a bike and saw him ride away on a bike this morning. If he could ride here by bike, then I don’t think they moved very far. But whose car was that which left shortly after he did? Why would he come stay at the house from 10 PM - 8 AM? He couldn’t have gone to sleep before I did which was around 1 AM, cuz I saw lights on through the newspaper. How the hell does this guy manage to sleep 4-5 hours every night? I’ve seen lights on very late at night and Lenore says he played the piano late at night.

If they weren’t desperate for a bigger house right away and if they are staying in Phoenix, why did they move before the house was sold? It really does sound like they’re running from something and hiding out.

Tom said the poster in their living room window has been gone for 3-4 days (the poster that mentioned the house’s features).

I still am baffled as to why he put newspaper up when all he had to do was pull the blinds down. He must’ve either taken the blinds or is trying to hide the fact that the house is vacant. Newspaper doesn’t do it, though. It’s obviously vacant without newspaper and even more so with it.

Tom said maybe he saw me spying. I highly doubt it. Plus, I saw him put newspaper in the front window which I can’t spy through.

When I got up the first time this morning, Tom was getting ready to leave. I commented that I wasn’t sure about the smoking and schedule thing and that there was no way I could have a kid. He said, “OK,” in such a relieved tone of voice. A tone that said, “Yeah, I know that’s not what I want. Thanks for saying that, though, cuz I haven’t been able to tell you the truth.” He’s told me by his actions and in his own little subtle ways. Like when he says shit like, “What are you gonna do? Go out and cheat on me to get pregnant?”

Well, I don’t feel good enough to be a mother cuz of my sleep schedule, he won’t quit playing his games, so I guess I would rather be miserable with wanting one here and there than miserable every day due to never sleeping enough and all its other hardships.