It sure is hot out. There’s not one cloud in the sky, yet it feels humid.

Boy, was I sexually frustrated this morning! And a bit confused last night. Last night I thought we both understood that he’d go down on me and then we’d screw. Well, he went down on me but said he’d prefer to screw in the morning. I thought it was cuz he was tired, but then he was working on something in the back room. So then I said I’d like to ask him a question so I could better understand him. He said sure. I asked him how he had the gusto to work on stuff, but not to screw. He said, “I do have the gusto. I just prefer the morning. Can’t we do what I want?”

But all we do is what he wants.

Then he also said he still enjoyed going down on me, even though he was the doer and not the receiver. It got him hard and feeling good.

Weird!

Afterward, he did go in the bathroom for a good 10-15 minutes or so and it didn’t smell like he took a dump, so he very well could’ve relieved himself.

My guess as to why he chose not to screw last night is probably cuz he was built up enough and feared he’d lose control and cum. He really does seem to not only enjoy making me wait on stuff but also enjoy teasing me sexually. I don’t think he enjoys teasing me sexually as much as whatever’s up there, though.

Also, we discussed this waiting shit which I’ll get into in a little while.

Later...

Tom brought up a good point about why things get delayed. It’s hard to prioritize them at times. For example, the bed is a high priority, but we can’t treat it that way cuz we won’t have $600 to spare soon. Especially if we’re gonna save up to go back east in May. Priorities can abruptly change too, throwing off all the original plans. I may prefer a kid over going back east, but I know that’s just a fantasy, therefore, I’m gonna strive for the trip in May. Now, he says he prefers the kid over the trip too, but I know that’s bullshit, therefore, I’m sure he’s really knowingly, intentionally, and willingly doing all he can to enable us to go in May.

Well, I covered what was confusing and weird last night about sex (that’s Tom for you) and now I’ll cover what had me frustrated and a bit pissed. We fell asleep together last night saying we wanted a romantic morning (this morning). But what did I do at 5:00 when his alarm went off? Woke up wheezing. And he says it’s not a coincidence and that nothing’s trying to get in our way and tell us something? Fuck that shit!

Again, I ask myself - why do I set myself up? Why do I let myself be let down? Why do I let myself be sexually teased, be it by Tom or by upstairs? Why do I let him tease me about a kid? Don’t I have more respect for myself than that? How can sex be so great, yet so complicated?

I made an appointment to see Dr. Rausch on October 16th at 4:40. Hope that’ll be no problem for Tom.