My day’s been off to a fun and romantic start.

The U-Haul is still next door, but now the blinds are shut.

I just came in from outside. This winter I don’t want my tan lines to get barely noticeable like all the other winters I’ve been out here.

That damn cat Oreo is beginning to be a problem and I wish I had a pellet gun or a bow and arrow. It shits all over the yard and it fucking stinks!

Andy was right when he said Marla was full of hot air about leaving me a message on AOL. I’ve gotten nothing from her. I haven’t even heard from Alex lately. Did he go to Alaska yet?

I tried to look up Marla and Evan, but couldn’t find them. Also, for the hell of it, I tried looking up different spellings of the name that came to me and I found some, but nothing really meant anything to me. There wasn’t even any in Maine or Massachusetts. There were a few in New Jersey, one in Connecticut, and a few in a few other states.

Later...

Someone may have been working around the house next door, but I’m not sure where it was coming from. It could’ve been from one of several different houses. As close as these houses are, there’s no way to tell for sure.

I left Andy a message and read him the sexual bullshit stories of two women I’m writing Sarah. I can only think of so many serious things to write her, so I asked Andy what’s the best bullshit topic to write about and he said sex. I’m sending Sarah two envelopes today. One contains a 4-page letter and the first 4 pages of Robin’s story. The other envelope contains the remaining 8 pages of Robin’s story.

Did I send Bob the Robin case? Yeah, I think I did, but he hasn’t said anything about it. That’s the thing with Bob - I ask him to tell me what he thinks of a certain thing or ask him a question and most of the time I get no answer.

Later...

I just threw a TV dinner in the mic.

I’m pre-cramping, bloated and constipated - yuck! The low-grade fever was back earlier at 99.1. Luckily, this cold was so barely noticeable that I don’t even know if I can call it a cold. After I cranked up the EC, splashed cold water on myself, and laid down for a few minutes, I felt much better.

Later...

I just ate whatever I could of my TV dinner. I don’t have too much of an appetite.

It’s amazing how every time I go outside, there are flocks of birds and pigeons on the loose block wall pieces where I feed them. Even if there’s no food, they’re there.

I beaded two 2” strands to hold all my barrettes since I’ve decided I want them all in the same area. I only left 3 barrettes in the bedroom that are uglier. I have these strands holding about 20 barrettes in the music room and there are also about 8-10 on the cord to the blinds.

Tom and I only slept for about 6 hours. He got up at 11 PM and I got up at 4 AM. I could tell he was instantly horny, which was nice, and he was rubbing against me. He told me to have my coffee and wake up and that he’d wait for me in the bedroom. He went to pee first, and I could be wrong cuz I was still half asleep, but it seems to me he had plenty of time to beat off. The other day I asked him if a guy could cum, then reharden and cum again a few minutes later. His answer was, “Yeah. It varies.”

I don’t know what to think or do, but I’m completely powerless over him. He won’t budge. It’s sad too, cuz this isn’t some asshole that’s doing this. This is a great person.

He told me the other day that he was honored that I love him enough to have a kid with him. It’s sweet to hear this. Then again, it doesn’t mean anything. When someone’s actions don’t go with their words, then what are you supposed to feel and think? His actions say to me, Hey, I’m scared. More so than you and that’s pretty damn scared. I have no faith in you as a mom, I don’t want it, etc.

He also told me the other day that since we’ve been sleeping together, the sex has been better than he ever imagined it could be. Yeah, so much better that he forgot to cum.

Also, as far as he’s concerned, two good screws are all we’ve had. Now that’s pretty low and insulting. So is he saying that all the other times we screwed didn’t matter or count in any way? Did he lie all those times he said it was great?

He also told me we are trying for a kid, and not to give up after only “two good screws.” Whether or not he thinks we’ve had one good screw or a million good screws, we’re not trying for a kid. We’re just fooling around and having fun. Trying for a kid means having fun and cumming in my book.

He just loves to insult and tease me with the issue of sex and a kid which he’ll deny all his life. Also, if God isn’t a hoax, then He really is damn against me having a kid. I haven’t prayed consistently, but I’ve made my wish, along with other wishes, well enough known to Him. The answer’s obviously no. If He really exists, then He knows I can’t quit smoking on my own. He obviously doesn’t want me to quit or else wouldn’t He give me the strength I need to quit? Tom said if he were God, he’d want the prayer asked every day for a while. Would God really interpret that as the person really wanting it that much? Or would He feel the person was being pushy, demanding, and selfish?

This is a long shot, but if Tom’s planning on cumming and us having a kid, he may have reasons for wanting to wait. Although he strikes me as someone who will always have reasons to wait.

We set a goal for me to make a CD by September 1996. As far as I’m concerned, it’s never gonna happen or will happen way later. I feel this way due to so many other things taking so much longer to happen. There are still things we said we were gonna do when we first met that we haven’t done cuz he’s either busy or not in the mood. I know it’ll be months before he ever helps me continue with the Robin case.

Anyway, he may want to wait cuz of my needing my teeth worked on, cuz of the trip in May, and cuz of the CD and other things like getting the business started and getting more money.

He swears we can afford a kid now, he knows money, etc. But $16,000 a year for 3 people? I don’t think so. We’d need more like $25,000 - $30,000.

He said, though, that the only way to get me going and motivated is for us to try for all our goals at once. Please! Does he think I’m stupid? I can just see myself trying to tell someone that. Oh yeah, we’re trying for a kid now. He doesn’t cum, but we really are trying for that kid! Right! Sounds pretty off the wall and ridiculous to me.

The trip in May could only be canceled by a lack of time and money. Nothing else, unless one of us gets in an accident or deathly ill, or if there were a crisis in his family. As I told Tom the other night, I have mixed emotions about that trip, whether or not we had a kid. I’d have preferred them to come out here first. We’re gonna be totally bored at the Bat mitzvah (I will be). Tom will hate the food. I’ll hate that climate and worry about my asthma and allergies. I’ll hate the bad memories from the place as well.

Later...

Well, well. The U-Haul’s gone. Someone’s definitely over there cuz their screen door’s open. It’s got to be only one adult. Probably the Realtor. They have a really nice security door. The kind we hope to get one of these years. However, due to the antics that’ll be part of everyday life moving in next door, I doubt I’ll want the door open.

Tom can also procrastinate trying to fix the bent window in the music room for all I care. However, it’d be nice to have it open late at night. If they have their window open late at night, though, which is only about 20 feet away, and if they’re up - forget it.

An organization for paralyzed veterans sent 10 free Christmas cards which I’m sure Tom will let me have for Kim and Bob. I loved the way they printed up the free address labels they also misspelled the last name. Haha

Tonight begins the season premiere of the new shows, including Law & Order. So, I’ve got a whopping 10-15 new shows to look forward to.

Mom S. called last night with nothing important, just a funny story about the cable guy. I guess he confused certain wires with phone wires.

She liked the squirrel and the other animal I shaded in (can’t remember what the other animal was) and is going to crochet it. She also liked the puzzle and hung it on her wall in the hall.

Lastly, she said the video of me at age 4 looked like a miniature of me today. She says when she looks at her sons’ pictures at that age, she isn’t sure who’s who.