The good news is that the sleep schedule’s going well, as well as cutting down on smoking. My lungs already feel a great deal better. I haven’t been waking up wheezing and this morning I only needed one shot of my inhaler. However, I am so tired this morning. I could’ve easily slept until around now. I had the alarm set for 8:00, then when it went off I hit the snooze for half an hour. Soon enough, though, I’ll wake up and feel more alert. The important thing is that I don’t feel sick. Thank God Tom hasn’t woken me up like I figured he wouldn’t. All he does is brag about the idea of sleeping a few hours, getting up and screwing, then falling back asleep for a few more hours. I said, “Tom, you’ve never woken me up for that and I certainly can’t see it as something you’d do.” His answer to that was, “You don’t know me.”

Ah, but I think I do.

I wish I knew what in the hell happened to a certain diary I had when I was around 13. I was in 7th or 8th grade and we lived in the second house we had in Longmeadow. We lived on Berkeley Dr. till I was around 12 and then on Birchwood Ave.

Anyway, in the second house, I remember having a small diary. I remember writing all kinds of BS in it, mainly about fantasies of women I had crushes on. I don’t remember what I last did with it. I never remember throwing it out and I never saw it again after becoming a ward of the state and leaving home pretty much permanently till age 18 at 15. During the ages of 15-18, I’m sure my mother went through whatever stuff of mine that was still left at the house. That diary included. How embarrassing! If my mother really did get ahold of it, and I can’t see who else could’ve, I’m sure she read it.

Later...

I’m making a chicken pot pie now. In the meantime, I found something Sarah said in her letter pretty ironic. About how she wants to feel and believe in God. Wants a sign that He exists, but sometimes she doesn’t have faith cuz of certain things that happen. Does that sound familiar, or what? So, anyway, I finally decided to do what I’ve been debating on doing for some time now and that’s to pray consistently. The worse that can happen is nothing. In my prayer, I explained my feelings. I don’t feel it’s necessary at this time to pray for help with the singing. Not with Tom around and his equipment and our plans and ideas combined. I did pray, though, for help on being able to keep cutting down on the cigarettes and possibly quit eventually. For help in finding out Robin’s name and if she’s dead or alive. For help getting pregnant or being able to accept and deal with never having a kid if that’s not in the cards. Tom told me yet again the other day that he felt God wanted and had it planned for me to be a mother, but wait till I tell you this! I know this sounds crazy and it really shocked the hell out of me. Tom didn’t seem shocked at all and it very well could be a false vibe, cuz that can happen when you want something. Although slight, I had the surest vibe ever that I may have a kid in 1997. The first month that came to me was January. The second month that came to me was September. How weird, huh? Like I said, though, it may be a bogus vibe, cuz I don’t see how the hell a child could fit into our cards. We don’t “qualify” and due to already being blessed with so many other things, what makes me think He’ll spoil me? No one gets it all.

Later...

Just ate that chicken pot pie. Now I think I’ll go start a letter to Sarah.

Later...

Shit! Fuck! Damn! Someone’s moving in. I thought I heard a dog in the truck or house which I assume will be kept out back 24/7 like all dogs are out here. All I saw was one guy around 25. He looks like a roughneck. The type to drink, do drugs, be a slut, and blast his music. He’ll probably have shitloads of company. This guy definitely looks like the dog and kid type. Don’t get me wrong, I believe 80% of the male population is anti-daddy. It’s just that most guys are irresponsible sluts who don’t give a shit how many women they knock up. He also looks like the type to attract irresponsible women. The type that doesn’t want kids, don’t think they’ll get pregnant cuz they don’t want them, but get pregnant anyway. Either that or they’re all too drunk or stoned to be responsible. I know I’m sounding very paranoid and judgmental, but I know just the type God would send me for a neighbor. Also, the M’s were quiet for 5-6 months, the music people have long been gone, so now it’s compensation time.

Later...

I just talked to Andy quickly and now he’s off to work. He’s vibeless as far as next door goes, but now is the perfect test for Robin. She told me I had nothing to worry about, so we’ll see. Andy said that maybe the guy lives there by himself. I doubt it. If so, all the more he’s gonna have company like crazy. Especially at his age. He could just be helping whoever else moves in there but doesn’t live there himself.

I also don’t remember seeing a sold sign out front and Tom didn’t mention seeing one, so who knows the scoop on that?

God’s gonna get me on this either way. If it isn’t lots of noise from whoever lives there, then it’ll be lots of noise from visitors. What’s weird is that so far I haven’t heard a damn thing. No dogs or kids, so obviously they’re not over there yet. They must be staying back at the old place so as not to get in the way of moving.

One good thing about our illiterate, game-playing mailman is that within a month or so, I know I can expect a piece of their mail. This way I’ll know their name which is always a nice thing to know.

When the M’s moved in, it was like, damn! They came in slamming, shouting, screaming, sliding, knocking, and banging up a storm! The whole street had to know when they arrived.

I’m gonna go out back now.

Later...

I didn’t hear anything out back. When I went to check for packages, all I saw was the truck with its back door open, but no people. I’m now sitting by the window in the music room and I still can’t hear anything going on, so obviously they haven’t brought the kids and dogs. I never heard any kids looking at the house with anyone, so the kids never came with them, or I was asleep. If the guy I saw is gonna live there, then at his age, what does he do to afford the down payment? He looks like he might be a construction worker. It’s so much easier to afford a house here in AZ and the down payments are so much lower, but 2-5 grand is still a lot of dough by itself.

I know it sounds funny for me to ask this, but why is it so quiet? I don’t even hear furniture moving, let alone voices. I’ve just got to enjoy it while it lasts cuz I’m sure that either later today or by tomorrow, those dogs and kids will have arrived.

Later...

Oh, goody! It was just a false alarm next door. I’ll get into that after, but first I’m gonna write my usual prayer to God and show it to Tom.

Dear God,

They say that Jewish people don’t usually pray, but a friend said it’s OK for anyone to do so.

I know there are people out there who need Your help more than I do. Also, I fully intend to put forth every ounce of effort I possibly can to obtain the following goals. However, if You (along with my husband) can provide me with extra strength to accomplish these goals, I’d really appreciate it.

1. Please help me keep doing well by cutting down on cigarettes and even possibly quitting someday.

2. Please help me to keep a schedule Monday - Friday.

3. Please help me find out who “Robin” is and to make contact with her by mail or phone to thank her for being so kind to me years ago if she’s alive.

4. Please help my husband and I complete our sex life and please allow us a child. If a child is not in our cards, please help me to be able to accept it and deal with it.

Later...

Right now Tom’s setting up the computer to show me how to research the Robin case.

Anyway, when Tom came home he told me there was no sold sign and that someone just used the driveway to park there. The truck left at 3:30. No wonder I heard no dogs or kids.

I have a moderate vibe of someone moving in in mid-October which makes sense. It’s cooler then, so all the more the kids can be out playing. I believe October is when the M’s moved in in 1993.

Later...

I’m out in the living room now with the TV on.

Tom showed me how the newsgroups on AOL advertise and leave messages about all kinds of things. There are people looking for pen pals and there are groups for businesses and just about every subject imaginable. So, my job is to find a group that may contain someone who may have attended the camp. Once I find the most promising areas, we’ll post the message and hope that someone will know something. Tom’s still sure that we’ll get a name. I asked him what the chances of people who were at that camp back then would be at having computers. He said pretty high since it was a Jewish camp that wasn’t publicly run like Girl Scouts or something like that. Also, he says that other campers that were there in the mid-70s are now young to middle age and according to Tom that’s the prime age group for those who own computers.

Later...

I’m watching an old rerun of Law & Order.

I didn’t write about the “thought test” Andy and I did yesterday. I told him to think of me anytime between 3 PM - 9 PM and that I’d let him know if I sensed it and at what time. I also told him to think of me before he was going to bed when I’d be asleep to see if I dreamt of him. I didn’t have any dreams at all and I sensed him thinking of me at 4:50, but he said he did at 3:30. Oh, well. Maybe it takes time for the thought waves to travel, as Andy said.

Later...

I’m watching Dateline now, a news show. The talk show business sure has grown. Just a few years ago there were only about 5 talk show hosts. Now it seems there are 15-20.

Soon I’ll be listening to music, then hopefully falling asleep not too late.

I just watched an interesting case. A guy was charged with assisting the suicide of his wife for the first time in Florida’s history. She was really upset, threatened suicide, the guy threw her a loaded gun and she shot herself. Naturally, he got off. Also, naturally, the guy jurors were more on his side than the woman jurors.

Tom read my daily prayer which I’ll do as consistently as I can for a while. He liked it and he believes my praying will work. That’d be nice, but we’ll see.

Earlier I made the comment to Tom that I hoped that I didn’t get my period too early again next month. We’re in the 9th month of the year, but I’ve already had 10 periods. He said he didn’t think I would, and that was just his opinion. Really? How does he come to that opinion? I never bothered asking. Is he considering the deadline for his date and other reasons why he just may let himself go? Nah - I’m not gonna bother trying to read silly things into his opinion due to my wishful thinking.

Now they’re discussing how closing arguments in the OJ case have begun. Closing arguments will go on for weeks. They say he’ll either be convicted, acquitted or there’ll be a hung jury.

He won’t be convicted.