Got my period two days early.

At the end of last week, I got another 10-page letter from Sarah. It was really great. She really is a great writer and the best pen pal I’ve ever had for sure. Today I’m sending her 6 drawings. One of a girl I copied and some of Linda and Gloria. I’ve also got 10 animal pictures that I’ll be sending her in the near future.

Last Saturday at 5 PM, a couple of kids started to play basketball next door. Tom said that kids aren’t stupid and that if they see an obviously vacant house, they’re gonna want to use their basketball hoop. Great. That’s all I need till there are kids living over there that’ll be doing this every day for hours. The good thing about it was that they quit as soon as they started.

Tom put up the little white plastic shelf that I had in the bathroom on the wall by the side of the waterbed. This way I can have coffee without having to always hold it in my hand and worry about spilling it on the bed.

More accident news concerning Gloria. She and her husband are fine but apparently, their boat collided with someone else’s. I believe another couple was on the other boat. The woman survived, but the guy’s dead. Authorities say that Gloria and Emilio did nothing wrong, but they’re still investigating it and Tom said he heard that they’re gonna check Emilio’s alcohol level. I’ve never heard of him having a drinking problem, but we’ll see. You never know.

See what I mean about every blessing coming with a burden? Gloria got to break her back for reaching the peak of fame, and now this for having Emily, which was very doubtful cuz of her back. Makes me wonder what would happen to me or both Tom and I if we could have a kid and that kid would be a miracle kid too, just like Gloria’s what with the way he is and cuz of the DES.

We started yesterday with a new experiment as far as cigarettes are concerned. For a while there, I had been smoking approximately 25-30 cigarettes a day. We’re starting with a pack a day. I take a pack for the day and he’s gonna find a place to hide the rest of them. We’re gonna do this for a while till I get used to that, then we’ll probably have me smoke less. Also, if I have cigarettes left over from certain days, that gets taken and hidden away by Tom. He said once it equals 5 packs or so, I can buy something with that money. 5 packs usually cost about $8.

Tom said, “I could take all your cigarettes and tell you that I’m not buying anymore, but that way you’ll just freak out and crave one till you can get one.”

This way, we’ll wean me down without freaking me out and hopefully, I’ll be able to deal with the cravings without going bonkers.

Tom thought it’d be best if I do what he does and catch up on my sleep on the weekends like most people do and like I used to do when I was in school. So far it’s been working out fine and I hope it stays that way. Another scary thing about having a kid is that there’d be no catching up on sleep for years!

Tom said that tomorrow or Wednesday he’s gonna show me how to do the next step as far as finding out about Robin over the Internet without having to wait on him. He said it will be time-consuming, but this way I can be a detective on my own and have fun doing it and surprising him with whatever I may find out like I love to do. Great!

Later...

I just talked to Tammy who had her woodstove on! Haha! It’s only 50º there and it’s around 30º at night.

I also asked if Bill was OK, and she asked what kind of vibe I felt. Nothing too serious, but we’ll just have to wait and see.

Anyway, last Friday night wasn’t too cool for me. I was PMSing pretty good and the anger at Tom and God was pouring right through me. I told him to stop teasing me with sex and the kid. I got the same reply as I always do.

I asked him what he thought about going to a doctor and telling them about our situation and seeing if they can find a way to get his sperm into me. I’m sure they can. He said not till we try ourselves. Oh yeah, that’s right. We’ve only screwed a few times. All the times before didn’t count.

In fact, just the very next day he teased me again. We were lying in bed discussing how great it’d be if I could quit smoking. Then I said, “So, give me a reason to quit for 24 hours.”

He said OK yet he never came a drop.

Then he told me later how I “misunderstood” him and that when he said OK, he meant he was trying to by Oct. 15th. Whatever. Then I said, “I know you. You’ll only do it once, when I can’t get pregnant, just to have me stop smoking for 24 hours, but not cuz you want to.” Then he said that a bet is still a bet. Fine.

Sometimes I just can’t deal with this alone and it just freaks me out. I feel that all I can do is get through the 5 days or so out of every month that this happens all by myself till it goes away. When I’m having anxiety about these issues, it feels like they’ll never go away.

No, we didn’t end up screaming and swearing at each other or threatening to leave each other and I felt better soon enough, but I just wish there were an end to this shit!

The weekend was great, though.

Later...

About the weekend - Tom recorded himself playing some keyboards. He says he’s so out of shape playing, but he sure is better than I ever was. The difference between my playing nowadays and back in 1989 is pretty sad.

We went over to his parents, but they were out. So, Tom took his key and we went in anyway. Tom did about 20 minutes of work on their computer.

She really did hang up the puzzle in her hall. Very crooked, though.

I can see where Tom gets his living style. Their house is absolutely filthy! Not one picture on the walls was straight. There were food crumbs all over the table and windowsills. They obviously quit dusting and vacuuming a long time ago. There was clutter everywhere and papers all over the floors. The walls and ceilings are peeling and dirty. I’ll bet that the only reason why that house never reeks is cuz they always run their EC or have the door and windows open. I guess raising 5 kids will do that to you. You get used to living where things are messy, cluttered, and even filthy, cuz that’s how it is with kids. Unless you’ve got a mother like I had. No thanks.

Afterward, we went to Denny’s, then to Old America where I got a puzzle. It was of paperweights of 35 different colors, designs, and patterns. I finished it in less than 5 hours and it’s now on the wall in the music room.

Surprisingly enough, I am seeing a slight improvement in my nails. Tom noticed it, too. Guess I’ll keep taking those calcium tablets.

Tom’s not home now. He will be soon, though.

I threw Tom off. I really began my period on the 24th, but said I began it on the 23rd. On the 8th, which he’ll think is 14 days after my period, we’ll see if he’s conveniently unavailable to screw for whatever reason.

God, cutting down on the cigarettes has been hard! I want one now but know I should wait at least 45 minutes.

Later...

I spoke to Andy earlier who agrees more and more that thought vibration really exists. He said he had been thinking of Marla a lot the night he had me call her and that when she called him, she told him the same thing. So, if Robin’s really alive, she was thinking of me for sure when I first wrote about her, according to Andy. Yeah, I believe thought vibration could really exist, but only if the two people know each other. For example, I don’t exist in Gloria’s life, she doesn’t know me, therefore if I were to think of her, she couldn’t possibly think of me, too. Andy said you just don’t always know who starts it. However, it seems that all my thoughts and experiences with Robin just came to me suddenly. No events or anything seemed to lead to it. I asked him, if she were alive, does he think this means that she started to think of me first? He said yes.

Later...

Got a letter from Kim. She also sent two pictures of her with two other fat ugly women. She and one of the women were wrapping the other woman’s hair. This was in Greenfield. She said that if I send the pictures back, she’ll send them to Michelle. She didn’t look too bad in these pictures. I’ve seen her take worse pictures. Her hair still looks the same, as well as her clothes. She still wears that beeper that goes off every 5 minutes.

Andy and I were discussing what little we know so far about Gloria and Emilio’s boating trouble. He said their boat didn’t look as spectacular as he thought it would and it reminded him of the cabin cruisers we’d see around the beaches in CT. He pointed out how those things can go pretty fast and therefore, someone had to be going really fast and maybe was drunk for such an accident to occur. The other couple was actually riding a water jet skier and it sounds to me like they may have been drunk or careless cuz it’s a lot easier to maneuver a 32-inch boat such as Gloria has. I’ve never heard of any report concerning Gloria or Emilio drinking or doing drugs, but they’ve got kids, so who knows, even though I doubt it as Tom does. I told Tom and Andy that I felt that even if the pigs found they were obviously drunk, they wouldn’t get arrested. Every pig loves a show. Especially one that’ll give them publicity, but mostly I feel they’d let them off the hook cuz they’re rich, famous, and have kids. Tom said it’s the other way around. That pigs are more conscious of shit involving the rich cuz they don’t want the rich to feel they can get away with shit. Maybe, maybe not, but O.J. Simpson’s gonna walk, I’m sure. The jury is probably terrified to render a guilty verdict due to fear of another riot.

We screwed earlier and now Tom’s watching TV before he crashes. At 8:00 I’ll be watching a movie, then will probably crash around 10:00.