I was just too goddamn fucking out of it to write earlier. Plus, Tom wanted to talk. Before I write up on what blew my fuse, I’ll mention a few other things.

Andy said he heard that Karson moved to Paysen. This is just a rumor, but I hope it’s true.

Andy loved the artwork on the envelope I sent. That striped design I put on the cover of the journal he gave me. The funny thing about it is that he’s posting it in the laundry room of his complex.

Mom and Dad called us tonight. They got their bird to say a few things. It will be on America’s Funniest Videos soon.

Mom gave me an awesome suggestion, and once again, it feels so good to have her bring up suggestions about stuff I’m into. She said she got the idea from a picture of me that I sent her with me standing in front of the block wall by our pool. She said there was a block wall around their pool on Nettles Island (I don’t remember it) and that people into art painted it a solid light blue-green, then painted in fish, manatees, lobsters, seaweed, etc. That’s an awesome idea! In fact, I want to go check something out, so I’ll write about other bullshit later.

Later...

I think my parents will like their next envelope. Bordering the bottom of the back of it, I drew fish, seaweed, and a starfish. Also, I’ve outlined that scheme on the wall in the music room.

Andy was supposed to call at 5:00 for me to call his dad. Guess he fell asleep.

Now I’ll get into the shit that began yesterday morning. I had been feeling so good. So much better about our sex lives than ever, and Tom had said he felt the same way. Last night, though, I got to wondering - what if he feels like he’s losing control and may cum and is therefore scared of me getting pregnant? So, yesterday morning I started doing him with my hand, then he came out and said he couldn’t get into it cuz it was too planned and not spontaneous enough. There’s always a fucking excuse!!! So, finally I told him. “Look, I’ve had it. Just when I felt better than ever, you pull this and make me feel like a freak.”

All cuz our sessions are sometimes planned? Give me a break! I’m so psychologically sick of this and these sex and baby games. I can never be good enough or do anything right sexually for long enough. There’s always got to be a problem, excuse or setback and I’m so fucking sick of it.

Why do I bother? Why should I bother when all will go well for a week or two and then there will be another problem that he’ll swear isn’t my fault but will imply otherwise that he may as well say it’s my fault?

He does a great job of making me feel like I’m not good enough sexually. We’re just not compatible sexually. I never had this fucking problem with women.

Then he tells me that in his mind, we just started. Every fucking week he’ll say that!

He tells me he won’t ask me for sex, but he’s not afraid of me having a kid, don’t give up, it’ll get better, everything has its setbacks. Fuck this shit! There are too many setbacks and I’m fed up. I’ve had all I can take and refuse to go through this month after month and year after year.

He told me that the only negative thing about when I woke him up for sex was that it seemed to him like I came into the room, we did whatever, then I left.

Now he tells me this? Why didn’t he tell me before?

So, I was right. Sex is all one big act on his part. He’s not really into it. He just does it to please me. I wonder how many other hidden negatives he has. From what I’ve learned and have seen, people who lust or lust and love each other can get off anywhere whether it’s planned or not.

I’m just sick of feeling like an isolated freak who’s all alone in this situation. Things go OK for a while, then there’s a problem and while he swears he’s not blaming me, it’s here’s what I can do to help him. But only HE can help himself! If he doesn’t want to cum, I can’t make him do it or help him.

He explained his weird feelings about the injection. He said my getting the injection would block/pressure him during sex cuz he’d be sad we couldn’t start a family and he’d have to adapt to that. Oh, boo hoo, poor baby! Well, how the fuck does he think I feel knowing, OK, we’re gonna screw now, but we can’t start a family cuz he won’t cum?

Then I also have to go through the feelings of feeling like half a woman. I don’t feel one bit sorry for him. Not one fucking bit and how the hell can I ever have any kind of sex with him again with all this shit hanging over my head? There’ll just continue to be one problem after another where I’ll feel like a sexual outcast. Well, I’m retiring from this game. I’m not gonna have my head played with and I don’t care whether it’s intentional or not. I’m sooooooo fucking sick of it!!!!!!!!!!

He tells me that by not trying to improve our sex lives and have a kid I’m punishing him. Yeah, I’m punishing him. Just like he punished me with these issues, but that’s a small part of it. The big part of it is that I cannot have sex with someone who I feel is literally abusing and playing with my head with it. I can’t let someone touch me whose heart I feel really isn’t in it, who’s doing it for me and not us, who says they want a kid but doesn’t.

Then he has the nerve to totally contradict himself by saying I have more hope for better sex and a kid than he does and that’s why I’m more emotional about it and how he feels trapped and hopeless. Bull fucking shit! I have below 0% hope and that’s how I know it’ll always stay. How the fuck can he think I don’t feel more trapped, powerless and hopeless, cuz that’s exactly what I am!

There will be no kid with or without sex. There will be no sex, cuz I can’t fucking deal with it anymore. We’re just gonna have to deal with taking care of our own sexual needs.

He also came out and said that by throwing away the sex and kid I’m throwing away the singing and the business. Yeah, right! What the fuck have they got to do with each other?

Can’t this guy be as good, sweet, and as loving in bed, as out of bed? Well, I gave him two years’ worth of a chance and he blew it. He’s never even been half as physical with me as most couples are. He’ll just never open up, loosen up and let go sexually. I did try to help him, but only he can take charge and do that. He never did, so I’m beyond caring or wanting to bother. He’ll have to think of new games to play with me.