I took a few pictures of about 5 pigeons bathing in the pool earlier.

I woke up after Tom did this morning to find him in a wonderful mood. Then later it hit me - of course he’s in a grand mood. He happily lost our bet. Just like he wanted to and set out to.

We screwed this morning, but neither of us came. I didn’t cuz I had cum 4 times yesterday and still wasn’t awake enough. And of course, he didn’t cuz he doesn’t want to.

Did I also mention that Tom said he was 99% sure that my not mentioning sex or a kid would help him and that’s all he’s ever wanted? He only wants that cuz he doesn’t want to cum with anyone other than his own self and cuz talk of a kid is a turn-off to him.

“I’ve got no doubt in my mind I’ll win this bet,” he said both times. Yeah, right.

Last night we were talking about my needing to see a GYN. It’s true that I’ve been sent to one twice and all was fine. A doctor in Deerfield sent me to one saying I had warts and I didn’t. Dr. Wilcox over on Bell Rd. when I was on disability sent me to one, but I was fine. This is different, though. God’s got more reasons to be upset with me now. I may not want a kid as much, but I still do some and this is why I wouldn’t be surprised if God fucked with my female parts. All for wanting and praying for something not meant to be that he obviously considers a sin for me and incorrect. I hope to hell I’m wrong, though, and that all really is fine. I know the DES is a factor in this and that even non-DES women are naturally like me. Dr. Rugg said she sees it all the time.

Anyway, Tom’s said we’re paying for our insurance, so we may as well use these doctors. I wonder if he’ll feel that way in April of ‘97. Will I? Especially what with knowing a kid isn’t what he wants? I say it’s not fair to do this to him, but is what he’s doing to me fair?

He’s taking advantage of this 60-day thing to be a game. A game to lead me on. He’ll never change.

My husband says he wants a kid and that we should use these doctors, does not have a “plan,” but does not want to use them till 4/1997. Sure, he has a plan. First, he’ll probably hope to hell I come out and say I don’t want one to cover his true feelings, but eventually, he’ll confess cuz I ain’t giving him what he wants. Even if I really were to become totally against it, and I might, I won’t say anything cuz I ain’t giving him the satisfaction or a way out of confessing. I want to hear the truth from him and I hope it’ll be soon and not when I’m 80. He can’t keep making excuses or hiding from the truth forever. This is all gonna catch up to him and get him in the end.

After I run out of cigarettes, I want to try to quit again.

Later...

Wearing a bra has really helped to make my tits less sore.

Since I’m usually getting my periods early, with my luck I’ll get it at Dr. Nielsen’s office tomorrow.

As I knew, still no letter from Dr. Rugg, so the GYN will be calling me before the week’s out, no doubt.

God, I’m sorry my desires were not as you’d approve of, but please let me be OK. Leave me alone and I shall very happily leave you alone.

It’s nice to know, though, that I’m in a fine mood, even though my life is at a standstill; I can’t be a professional singer, have a kid or quit smoking.

I had a dream last night that I weighed myself as 106. Now I definitely see that dream as a warning.

A few nights ago, I had a dream that Nana - at least I think it was Nana - was telling me to pick new dreams/goals. As if to confirm to me that I was right about the singing and the kid not being meant to be.

Tom’s home now, so I’ll write more later.

Later...

Yesterday Andy gave me the 800# to the Sheridan Hotel in Springfield (the one downtown where he was working when we met). We were gonna call together to see what they said about their weather since AOL isn’t any more accurate about it than Prodigy was. They put us on hold forever, but Andy had to book it out to work. So, I called back on my own and Adam answered. The gay guy who’s his friend that I’ve also met who’s moving to San Diego. I didn’t say who I was, but in the end, my laugh might’ve been a dead giveaway. Plus, I mentioned being from Phoenix. Anyway, he told me they got snow which turned to freezing rain and how it was to be pretty blustery that night. He said it was really cold and when I asked if he needed a coat, he said, “Oh, yeah!” Meanwhile, it was a beautiful 82º here today.

Tom’s said that some people believe that birds have telepathy, cuz when they’re flying in flocks, they all seem to change directions at the same instant. Perhaps they are psychic cuz sometimes when I go out back there isn’t any lurking around, but barely after a minute after I get out there, they show up. Several do. I got a few pictures of them in the pool. Not in it, but on the wall dividing the pool and spa.

Kim called earlier and read me part of a letter she’s sending Bob about her sexual fantasy to him. She’s a pretty good and creative writer. She’s sending me about 70 pages of stuff she got from Bob with all his fantasies. She says they’re getting funnier and funnier. She said at one point in his letter he had to stop a few times to cum. I believe that. Bet his cellmate got a kick out of it.

This is why I haven’t heard from him. He’s been so busy writing to her since she “opened up” to him.

She said a phone psychic told her friend that her 16-year-old sister was pregnant and she was late for her period. Of course she’s pregnant. She’s 16. She too, though, believes in psychics but believes that the 900# ones are quacks. She’s called several and says the first one was pretty good, but the rest was bullshit. The first one I ever spoke to was half accurate and the rest were 99.9% bullshit. Of course, this last one was 100% bullshit.

I’m so glad that Tom’s so easy. Never hangs all over me. Never asks me to take care of him. It’s totally one-sided sex. Just the opposite of Brenda and Kacey. I’m sure that the number of guys like Tom could be counted on one hand. I really lucked out.

There’s always been a part of me wanting a hysterectomy and I’m hoping more that I’ll need one. I hate PMS and periods! It seems so logical that God would see it as so correct for me. God should definitely grant me that, but cuz there’s a part of me that wants it, I don’t know.