Well, I was kicked off the computer all night. Just after Tom went to bed, the disk was full so I couldn’t print or type anything out. Tom rearranged some stuff for me as soon as he got up. He’s in the shower now and then will be going to the store to pick up a few things.

He’s on one of his streaks where he’s showing hardly any desire for sex.

I’m on one of my streaks where I’m gonna miss not having a child, but I haven’t spoken about it, I won’t speak about it, and the way things are, are the way things are and that’s not gonna change. We all have our dreams and goals fucked with during our lives. Scott fucked with my singing dream and he’s fucked with my baby dream, but that’s life. Everyone goes through it. Anything to make him happy, though. I know that if I was deadset against a kid, the last thing I’d appreciate would be someone trying to talk me into it. I too, may be hesitant to admit that and insist I wanted a child to tell that person what they wanted to hear and to make them happy. Who knows for sure? I just might be like that, too. It’s a situation I’ve never been in before to know, though, how I’d react and what I’d say for sure. I still say that in a heartbeat I’d rather spend my life with my husband with no kid, rather than without him with a kid. I got over Scott who fucked with one of my dreams. I’ll get over this one, too. I have no choice and that’s all I can do. I know that woman was right when she said that as long as I choose to make him happy I’ll never have a child, but that’s just the way it’s got to be.

During the night I listened to music, watched a little TV, and did some more drawing, but I was bored for the most part. Just when I was getting more story ideas, the computer disk had to be full. I’m getting a bit tired now, so I think I’ll go do something else till I crash.

Later...

Shit! We can’t screw cuz it’s too close to my damn appointment with Rugg in two days. He’s gonna go down on me when he gets back. I’ll let him know that I’ll be bugging him for extra pussy licking to make up for the loss of the two different ways to have fun till after the appointment. I’m not having any evident problems down there, but how much do you want to bet that my pap won’t come back negative? I just know it won’t. It’ll be just my luck that it won’t. It seems that this is a prime cycle and a prime time for God to make sure I’m not quite normal down there. I know there’s no cancer there, cuz I’d sense it, I’m sure. Yes, I do have a big feeling that something up there’s gonna really fuck with my female parts, be it my tits or my crotch. It’s just its way of reminding me what’s not meant to be. Since I already know that real damn good and well, I wouldn’t be upset if I had to have a hysterectomy. Nah - God probably wouldn’t go that far. He probably wants to leave some things alone to tease me, but there’s no longer anything to be teased with. I mean, it used to really piss me off when Tom would say each month or each set of a few months that I’d be pregnant and I’d feel really hurt, but now I’m so used to it that it pretty much goes in one ear and out the other.

To be true to myself, and to be true to why my planner won’t allow me a child is simply a matter of what I’ve said before. I really think it’s just its way of keeping me from either being divorced or in jail. It knows I can’t quit smoking. It knows deep down that I could never handle a child. It knows deep down that I could never work my schedule out and I could go on and on. I fear and agree with this, too.

As for Tom’s reasons for not wanting a child, that’s a long evident list. I’ve got to get that dental work done eventually when we can afford it. There’s no way we could afford a child, even though he denies this. I could go on forever with reasons why he doesn’t want a kid, but I’ve already listed the basics in previous journals.

As far as the trip in May? He really wants that. I mean, it shocks the shit out of me cuz most people aren’t interested in where their spouses come from or their family members, but he really is doing and will continue to do all he can to get us there. It’s mostly cuz of Lisa’s bat mitzvah and to meet Tammy. The more I think about it, the more I don’t want to go. Yes, I miss my family and yes, I want to see them, but I had really hoped that they’d come out here first. Then there are the bad memories to deal with and the climate that nearly helped to kill me. I’d be fearful of any bad attacks and I just can’t stand being around Tammy for that long. Or my mother. My nieces, nephew, Larry and Dad are a different story.

Later...

Oh, I’m so sick of Tom’s shit! He harps on me all fucking morning to take care of myself and to take my meds correctly. Yet, if I harp on him, he gets all pissed off. Then he had the nerve to say that I do all of the little things I want and some of the little things he wants. He’s got balls saying that one! I’m doing him a very, very big thing. I mean the hugest thing someone can be made to do and that’s never having a child. That big thing makes up for a million little things and all the more, though, I’m glad he’ll never cum and I’m satisfied to just wish I could have a kid here and there. All we’d do is fight over it, let alone any other possible nightmares that could very well come with having a kid.

Later...

Yup, I was right. Tom just admitted one of his obvious fears about having a kid now. I just asked him before he went to bed if 3 people could live on $8 an hour and he said what I thought - no. Well, thank God then that he won’t cum and that my desire to have one has been altered for life cuz I would never feel right about having a kid on $8 an hour. Maybe $10 - $12 an hour.

Anyway, when I got up he was in a good mood cuz he found ways to sell some of the computer equipment we want to sell. We need to sell his trumpet in order to pay for a new water tank.

Later...

I’ve only been up for 3 and a half hours and I haven’t eaten a thing, yet I weigh 104 fucking pounds! Why? Why is my body acting like it used to? Metabolisms really do slow down with age, I guess. Anyway, I’m gonna try to do what Tom’s been doing and he’s been doing good. He’s lost about 10 pounds. I’m not 138 like I was 10 years ago so that doesn’t make me as desperate, but I’ll try my best to lose at least 5 pounds.

Tom’s really winning this weight bet, but like I said, it’s nice to know that I don’t have to worry about going 24 hours without smoking. Also like I said, it’s not his fault that he got laid off and if I were him I’d have my dental work and the 8 an hour going through my head, too.

Plus, given the ½% chance that he might cum (and even that’s high) he’ll only do it once just cuz of the cigarettes. He’d probably do it during the safest time of the month too, or in my hand.

Hey, I was wrong. There is a prayer that I could ask God and He’d totally grant it. I could ask Him to keep Tom from cumming due to all the reasons I’ve listed and - no problem!

Later...

Suddenly, I found myself in a depressed mood and was crying. I realize more and more that my dreams are either impossible or so very, very far away. I realize more and more how Tom doesn’t speak what’s on his mind but only tells me what I want to hear and that he’ll be forever Scott M-ing me in a way. If only I had no dreams. Then my life would be nearly perfect. How do I make them go away? I have to. I have no choice but to give up.