Right now I’m in a bummed-out, hopeless kind of mood. I feel it was a hell of a thing that we had to find out about Tom’s Dad when I was mid-cycle. It’s like a sign to me saying, don’t bother with any dreams or goals of yours cuz something will just come up to get in the way of them. I’m so sick of this shit. I mean, just when it looks like things just may go well, this shit has to happen. Tom said he’d try to keep things going around here as best he could, but I’m not stupid. This is gonna have to get in the way whether he looks for it to be an excuse to not do certain things we said we were gonna do or not. Sometimes I wish that Tom and I were each 10 years younger cuz then maybe when we’re older we can have a break and do stuff for us for a change. I feel that the bulk of our years is going to be spent doing for others. That’d be fine if it could only balance out and we could do for us more often. At the rate we’re going, we’ll never have the business going successfully and I’ll never be a singer of any kind. Not what with the way one thing after another seems to happen. Thank God I don’t want a kid like I did before, cuz this is gonna be Tom’s perfect little excuse and reason for not cumming. I’m sure the stress will play some part in his not cumming, but the bulk of it is gonna be his ticket to escaping fatherhood. Well, I assured him already that I’m not gonna force him and he knows I don’t feel like I used to feel about it. I didn’t get into the details of why I now feel that the worst thing we could ever do would be to have a kid only cuz we’re not at risk of my ever getting pregnant. Even if he did cum.

I still wish I knew why God (if there ever was one) is so determined to hold us back in life. To keep each day, month, and year the same as always.

Thank God I’m not desperate to go back east this May, cuz there’s no way for two reasons. There won’t be enough money and now there are his parents to take care of.

At the same time, I feel so blessed, I feel so cheated. I sit back and I watch everyone else in both of our families do the things they want to do whether they’re going through hell or not. Meanwhile, Tom and I will never get to do the things we want to do, no matter how our lives are. Call me selfish, but sometimes I wish neither of us had family. That way we wouldn’t have to worry about them first and put our lives on hold. I’m not saying Tom wouldn’t take care of me if I were sick right now, but there’s no hope for us to do any of the things we want. Every time I feel a slight sliver of hope, something has to come up and ruin it all.

Later...

Tom just got home a little while ago and got me in a much better mood. His Dad’s pneumonia is under control, so he will probably be going home today. He still has cancer to deal with but will be fine for now. His Mom’s doing well too, and Tom reassured us that we can go on with our lives. We’ll just adjust to anything that comes up whether I get sick, he does, my Dad, etc.

Thank God, though, that he’ll never cum! I’ve had enough to do and worry about and I’m sure there’s still plenty more to do and worry about down the road.