I just went and found the graph to record my breathing levels, but I couldn’t remember how to add on to what I’ve already got, but then I figured it out and updated the chart.

You know, I am really sick of this fucking lower gut of mine being so bloated and the feeling of pressure. It’s like something’s inside there pushing outward. Before my period I’m bloated, during my period I’m bloated and after my period I’m bloated. I’m so sick of it and I don’t understand it. Something’s telling me it shouldn’t be this way. It feels hard too, and I try to tell myself it’s fat and that’s what happens when you gain weight, it’s the normal curvature of a woman, etc., but something tells me it doesn’t have to be with me. It’s not supposed to be with me. I get the feeling something’s wrong and it scares me. It would make sense for something to be wrong due to my situation. I always had the feeling that whatever was up there didn’t approve of me having sex. No matter whom it’s with. Plus, I wouldn’t be surprised if something’s punishing me with either just the feelings of my gut the way it is, whether or not there’s something wrong or not, due to my wanting and asking for a child which is going against its wishes for me. Well, I don’t want one as much as I used to and I’ll want one less and less with time, and I sure as hell won’t ask for one. I wasn’t kidding when I said I’d rather want one all my life than go through whatever hell may come with it and what it may do to our relationship when we’ve already had enough to fight about. Also, after every time I’ve asked God to let Tom let himself cum or asked Him for a child, trouble comes.

The weather’s really yucky today. It’s quite cool and it’s cloudy. They say there are chances of rain over the next few days.

Later...

I just went out and fed the birds a little more. This morning as Tom was filling a new bag into the container, he said there were 11 pigeons lined up waiting to be fed.

It’s so nice and peaceful and quiet not having the Ms over there. I can’t believe the house has been vacant for that long! What luck, huh? I just dread the day the new kids and dogs get over there and ruin the peace. Oh, how I wish it’d be vacant till it gets really hot next year, but I know there’s no chance of that. It’ll be sold by February. Probably even much sooner.

I hope I get a letter from Bob today saying that he got the manila envelope with the word find puzzles and the Robin story.

God, it really is like Massachusetts out there! I have the back door open anyhow and I’ll give it at least a quick airing out with the EC, then smoke outside only.

My stomach’s still bugging me, even though I took Gas-X tablets and have shit yesterday and today.

Later...

My stomach’s still bugging me and I really think it’s just gas. I hope it’s just gas. I guess I’ll just have to live with it. It’s just not meant for me to have a flat belly.

I did some singing earlier and now the phone just rang, but I don’t feel like chatting. People always call when I’m busy. They’re just gonna have to wait till I’m not doing much of anything.

I saw a crane remove an old EC, then replace it with a new one a few houses down out back. That was neat.

Well, I guess I’ll go see if whoever called left a message and then do something else.

Later...

It sure is pouring out there right now.

Anyway, my stomach’s a little better now, but it isn’t perfect. For the first time in my life, I took one of Tom’s Rolaids earlier.

Tom’s been trying to get ahold of his mother to see how his Dad is. He spoke to her from work and according to her, they’re worried about his heart, but Tom and I both feel he’ll be OK.

Well, that’s all for now until tomorrow.