Someone’s philosophy on TV was that the things in life that seem the best aren’t always that way and the things that don’t seem the best sometimes are.

Oh, so does that mean that Tom’s not the best thing for me and that our never having a child which at times doesn’t seem too good really is the best thing?

I had my first encounter in a long time with Robin a while ago.

After I wrote what I last wrote, I lay in bed crying and said to God: Why is it that You must always see to it that I’m in a weird or strange situation? I just want to be normal. I’ve done my time feeling abnormal, strange, weird, different, sad, hopeless, etc. What have I taken from someone that’s so big that You’ve taken away my right to have a child? If it’s not meant to be cuz it’ll ruin Tom and I or kill me or cuz I’d be so unable to handle it, then why? Why must there always be some big thing that I want that has to be denied to me? Why must things be taken and or denied to me time and time again? Then again, having a child isn’t that “big,” is it?

It may be easier to deal with more often than in the past, but sometimes I still break down in tears and so much anger and wonder why? I feel like I always come out the loser if I try and the loser if I don’t try. This is what happens if I try or if I don’t try to quit smoking, to be a singer, to have a child - I don’t succeed. Try if I will and I’ll get nowhere. Don’t try if I will and I’ll still get nowhere.

I’m also so confused by what others have said as well as what Tom has said. They say two totally opposite things. One is to try my best and my hardest. Two is to not try so hard. Even the quack psychic said don’t try too hard and give this guy a break. I’m trying my best not to harp on the subject, but sometimes it’s easier said than done. I can’t always snuff my fears, my worries, my anxieties, my hopelessness, my anger, and my sadness.

I asked Tom earlier if our not being able to have sex till after the appointment bothers him and he said yes. I said he didn’t show it and he said that talking about it wasn’t going to change it. Oh, how I wish I could have that attitude much more often and tell myself that talking or thinking of having the things I want isn’t going to change the fact that I can’t have these things. Don’t bother to burden or upset or frustrate or pressure Tom by bringing them up. He already knows how you feel.

Also, one minute I feel that I should have these things and that I deserve them after not being able to get several other things I’ve wanted. Then the next minute I feel I don’t deserve them and that having them would be selfish and spoiled of me and that I still have been granted many other blessings. Not only can’t I make my mind up as to how I feel about things, but either thing or things I decide still don’t get me anywhere. I feel more and more that Tom not only isn’t admitting to all that he feels but is also having fun seeing me go through this.

Earlier I made the comment that we had to wait on the kid, no doubt, till he gets a raise and till I get my dental shit out of the way, which will be in about a month. He didn’t say anything in protest to it and he even admitted that 3 people couldn’t live very well on someone who makes $8 an hour. That drove my belief that this is a fear of his that’s holding him back even further into me.

He said he’s 100% for the trip in May and 100% for having a kid. Both right now at this very moment, he feels that, and I said that’ll be tough to choose. He said, yeah, but that’s life. I know he’s gonna choose the trip. It’s only once that Lisa’s gonna have a bat mitzvah and then there is the dental work and the question of money. I told him, though, that the decision had to be his. Whatever makes him happy.

The other day there was this commercial that I don’t know why the hell it had to come on a sports channel, but anyway, me and Tom were sitting in the living room and a commercial for getting yourself checked out before you get pregnant came on. I didn’t need to hear it and was dying for some coffee anyway, so I got up to make it. I was going to go to bed then anyway and when he kissed me good night he asked if I were sure that I was OK. I knew there was no point in getting into it, so I said I was. He said something about my painting a fake smile, even though I insisted I was fine. The point of me bringing this up is that he seemed to feel so much pleasure at that Moment like he enjoyed my being upset. Yet he told me back when he got all ticked off at my call to that nurse that all my feelings about him were in my head. What’s a person like me to believe?

OK, here’s my encounter with Robin. Well, I was saying what I said to God when all of a sudden that warm soothing feeling came over me and it was her. At first, I was like - go away. I can’t believe in you.

But she wouldn’t go away. She told me that things weren’t as bad as I thought they were and that I wouldn’t be stuck in this rut for too much longer. That I’d soon be onto new ways and new things and basically a new life. Now here’s the thing she said that made me wonder again if her presence wasn’t just my imagination due to being upset. She told me to give the psychic a chance to be right. She said that Tom’s more honest than I thought he was and that if I just hang on till the first of the year and try not to harp on it and let her comfort me during hard Moments like that, then I’d see that all would be OK and work out.

Now how the hell can I believe this? I want to, but it all seems like such bullshit.

I also asked her if there’d be a time when I’d believe in her more and she said yes, but wouldn’t give me a time frame. Nor would she give me a time frame as to when the new neighbors would arrive. She just said not to worry, just like she told me before. This is also very hard to believe.

All I want more than anything is to end this cycle. I’m sick of these feelings. I’m sick of wanting the impossible.

Later...

Dear Tom,

I had a chance to do some thinking last night and I realized something. When you said that talking about our not being able to have sex now won’t change anything, well, you’re right. I’m trying to have that attitude and the last thing I want is for you to feel upset, burdened, frustrated or pressured, so my only purpose for this letter is to let you know a couple of things I feel and you can do whatever you want with it from there. I’m not assuming you feel what I’m about to say, but if you do, I will understand. First thing - I know you know money. I know you’ve told me that things will work out and I know that. We want the same things, the trip, the kid, bed progress, etc. However, if when we’re in bed you’ve got the $8 an hour going through your head as well as the dental work and whatever else, I will understand. Also, if you feel these things, you can tell me, but that is up to you. I know it’s not your fault that you got laid off and that we need a new water tank, etc. Lastly, if you choose, between now and May that the trip is what you want most, fine, and you can tell me so. The ball’s in your court, I just wanted to let you know how I felt to ease your mind. I don’t know if it’ll ease your mind and I don’t know if these things are or will be on your mind. My only point was to tell you that I’d understand, I’ll wait for whatever, till whatever, and you can feel free to talk to me anytime about anything. That’s all!

I love you, Mystery

P.S. Also, I’ll keep trying to obtain some of your habits which I think are great. I think I’m getting a little better. Well, I sure hope so anyway, but I’ll do my best to be as good of a person as I can be and to make you happy and proud of me.

Later...

I just had some butter noodles I just made up. So far I’ve been under the amount of food they recommend.

The letter above is a letter I did for Tom. I couldn’t print the damn thing out, though, so I saved it to a file and will delete it after he reads it. Is that Robin’s way of saying not to do this? Tough, if it is. I still have no reason to believe in her enough not to have a mind of my own.

Later...

I just spoke to Andy for almost an hour. Things are OK with him right now. He said that John, Pam’s husband, called demanding that coffee table back. Andy refuses to give it to them cuz of the way Pam fucked him over and tried to make him lose his job. I don’t even know why he bothers to talk to him in the first place and not hang up on the guy.

He says he and Michelle still get along OK and that he can see them living together for quite a while, but she’s a lot like that Crystal C that lived with me on Oswego St. She does nothing to help out with her share of the chores and Andy has to keep getting on her case about it constantly.

I must admit, though, it is funnier than all hell and I don’t buy it. I don’t see how I can, cuz without the proof, certain things just seem too far-fetched to buy.

We were discussing how we’re both dealing with things we want that we just know we can never have. He can’t have Mr. Right and I can’t have a child. I asked him, “So, why do you suppose God spoiled Gloria? She seems to have it all. She’s been happily married for 17 years, so it seems, has a great career, all kinds of money, and 2 kids.”

Andy said, “Well, she was banished from Cuba.”

Then I said, “Well, maybe we oughta get banished from here for just a little while.”

Anyway, he said that God works in mysterious ways, he doesn’t fully understand God and says he doesn’t understand either why we can’t just live in a perfect world where no bad things occurred and why life has to be so unfair.

Anyway, he was telling me about Adam and Eve. A story I’ve heard before that I swear has got to be made up. He told me that when God created Adam and Eve, they lived in heaven which was in a garden here on earth. So, I guess it was just God, Adam, Eve, and Lucifer the devil. God told Adam and Eve that they could have anything they wanted, but that they could not eat apples from this one tree in that garden. So, Lucifer, the devil, told Eve that it really was OK to eat from that tree and that the only reason why God said not to was cuz then she’d have just as much power as God. She believed him and she did eat an apple from the tree. Then Adam did and they were sent to live outside of the garden here on earth which was supposed to be just like the regular old typical earth and replenish it somehow. Whatever that means I don’t know, but Andy says they were banished from the garden. It just seems to me that anyone could’ve made up this story. I mean, how can anyone know that they were the first humans and that they existed?

Later...

Tom just read my letter and as I figured he didn’t comment about it. You see, I really feel that he has a harder time opening up and prefers to tell me what I want to hear. He said the other day (even though I know this will never happen) that we’ll have a family as soon as we can when he should’ve said (if it was possible) that we can’t right now, but maybe in the future. With it being impossible for real, he should’ve told me a long time ago he doesn’t want it as I’ve always said. The only thing left that I can hope for is a confession from him. That’s the last thing about it that’s possible. I hope I hear the truth before I die. I have a feeling it’ll take 5-10 years for the truth to come out, though.

Tom sold his trumpet for $180 today and with that, he’ll be buying the new water tank. David’s gonna help him haul it over here. Tomorrow he’s also gonna try to sell some very old computer equipment. Stuff that’s supposed to be older than Tammy’s computer and that makes her computer look like a beautiful modern machine.

Later...

I just had some KFC and soon I’ll repolish my nails. During the night I’ll probably work on this, my story, and drawing.

Tom just went to bed. Before that, though, we were talking about how he’s right on schedule as far as the weight bet/goal. By the end of the year, he wants to be under 200 consistently.

I asked if our sex bet is still on and he said yeah, in a tone that wasn’t very enthusiastic. Like I said, of course I’ll win.

I’m trying to make up my mind - do I want to take my shower now or in the morning? Well, I think I’ll go listen to music while I’m deciding.

Later...

I just took a shower after I listened to music, then I did the dishes. I haven’t done my nails yet, though, but I will. It’s gonna be a long night and day. It’s not even midnight yet, and I have to stay up till after my appointment and we probably won’t get home till close to 3 PM and I got up at 7 PM. I may sleep for a few hours, but if I do it’ll only be for a few hours. If I go lay in bed and pray to Robin for help with taking a 2-4-hour nap, I wonder if she’ll help me and if it’ll work.