OK, this is what I’ve been up to and I can’t say that most of it is very good at all.

First, though, we got a nice card and anniversary check from his ma for $25.

Also, Andy was over last night so he could type a little. It was a very short visit, cuz he was very tired, but he managed to slowly but surely type almost a whole page of stuff. Actually, not quite as slowly as I thought he would. He typed some stuff I dictated to him and also stuff he thought of on his own.

Later, we jumped onto AOL to play with some guy’s head from CA, but he was a bore.

He brought over a pair of nice colorful, floral shorts that he no longer wants, but they’re too big for me, so maybe Tom will wear them, though I doubt it.

I gave him and Laura some stuff, too. Some Halloween decorations, a couple of hair accessories, a sweater and some scented soap bars.

Now, what I’m about to write about is kind of embarrassing and I haven’t even told Tom or Andy about it and probably never will. Early Wednesday morning at about 7:30, I made a call and got bullshitted like hell by a major quack, but I kind of asked for it by calling in the first place.

I was flipping through channels as I was winding down and as usual, not much was on except for baby talk. On one show, there was a panel of women who’d had miscarriages and one was saying that she wanted to have 3 or 4, but if she could just have one child, just one child, she’d be so blessed. She said this through teary eyes and boy, did my heart go out to this poor woman. At least she stands a better chance than I do, cuz she could at least get pregnant. Something I can’t even do in the first place. I don’t know, though, cuz she seemed pretty hard-pressed, and almost always, the harder-pressed you are for a kid, then good luck!

Then I flipped channels again and landed on some religious show and someone wrote in saying they had had hepatitis but called and prayed with a prayer counselor and now it’s gone. Also, a woman pregnant with twins was being profiled. According to her, the doctors told her the babies would be stillborn, but through prayer, they came out OK. She was saying that she wasn’t perfect and that you name it, she’s done it. But to know that even after all that, God still loves her, was just a wonderful feeling.

Naturally, my first thoughts were, Why not me? What’s wrong with my dream/prayers to have a child? Doesn’t God love me too, even though I’m not perfect either? Or has the devil got such a hold on me, my life and body that not even God can break through it?

So I called their prayer line number and I swear, if most blacks aren’t into crime, they’re God/religious fanatics. Still, I wanted to speak my mind to a stranger who was an outsider, which helps to do every once in a great while. And I was curious to hear what response I’d get. Some of what the woman said that I spoke to didn’t surprise me, but then there were things she said that I totally did not expect and that seemed very off the wall. I mean big-time bizarre and big-time BS, as much as I wish I could believe some of the things she said and tried to open my mind to these ideas.

My biggest question is how can they do this all the time and on national TV? I can see these “get rich quick” shows that are full of quacks and BS, but this? What if some gullible sucker like Fran calls with a serious illness, then gets told he’s cured when he really isn’t, then he stops his treatment or medication or whatever, and dies?

Anyway, I spoke to this black lady and I told her that I didn’t want to believe that God was bad and that he hated me, and that he’d always deny us a child, but couldn’t help my beliefs after all I’ve gone through and have seen others go through. Also, I didn’t know if God was both good and bad, or if he was all good and it was the devil that was doing the bad. She told me there was a devil as well as a God, but God does only good. But if God can do anything and if he’s all-good, why can’t he override the devil? Is it that he can’t beat the devil or simply won’t?

She first asked me if we’d been to a doctor and I told her no, cuz my husband can’t get over the edge too much.

She said that God does love me and that he is going to answer my prayer, cuz I want something that’s willed by God and something he wants people to do - reproduce. Naturally, I was like, well, when is this gonna happen then? She said soon. Probably sooner than I thought.

Then she went on to tell me there is a heaven and a hell and that you either go to one place or the other and what determines that is how much you believe in God and have a relationship with him and live for him. She said it’s not about religion. It’s about faith. Now that’s confusing, cuz if God is so good and so loving, then why would he throw people in hell just for not believing in him?

She said she gets all her prayers answered cuz of how close she is to God and that the reason he hasn’t answered my prayers is cuz I don’t believe in him.

But God’s supposed to love us all equally, I thought. If she’s right about this, then God does play favoritism.

She said that while I should get closer to him so I can have a happier life and have more prayers answered, he will answer her prayer for me and so I will have a child.

She also said that if you’ve done something wrong, all you have to do is repent and pray for forgiveness and you’re automatically forgiven. Oh really? Then why does the bible say that Jews especially, must suffer for the sins of their forefathers? And why do I still feel cursed and like he doesn’t want to hear me or grant us our wish? She said that that’s where the curse comes in. She said she thinks that the reason we’ve been childless up to now is cuz of something physical and a generational curse and not cuz of God, but now that she’s prayed, the curse has been lifted off of us and we’ll have that baby. Yeah right!

Oh, I definitely believe in curses, though, as I told her and I think my family’s been cursed for many generations.

The story gets even crazier. She prayed for my asthma and then said, “Your asthma’s gone.” I couldn’t believe she had the nerve to say this! I mean, come on!

Then she goes on to tell me that if I get confused, I should read the words of God and get a bible cuz that’ll give me answers. But again, how can anyone really know that God exists and that these are his words? I can write a book and say that God spoke through me and that these are his words. Anyone can. For all we really know, there may very well not be a God, a devil, heaven or hell and when we die, we just die.

Deep down, though, I do believe in something good up there, as well as something bad up there, and unlike Tom believes, I think there is a reason for everything, whether it’s fair or not, and we all have a plan, even if some have greater things planned for them than others, and I don’t think death is the end-all. I don’t really believe in reincarnation, or heaven and hell, but I think our spirits always live on and watch over the world.

She said that when I get my child and other things I dream of, it’ll increase my faith in God. Indeed it certainly would if I could have a child to full term, born naturally and in good health, and yes, I wish I could believe in a good God or something up there that really really loved me, was on my side, etc, and I told her that I do have some blessings, things could be much worse, I could even be dead and should be dead, but it’s hard. It’s really hard to believe, to have faith, etc.

All I know is that be it God or a devil, something up there does not want me to have a baby and I’m powerless to fight it.

She said the devil tries to stop her from having a good day too, but that she just prays to God and the devil withdraws. And life goes on happily for her and she gets what she wants. Why can’t it be that simple for me then? Why can’t it be that simple for everyone?

We were on the phone for about an hour and at the very end, she prayed for both the asthma and the child, saying that it wasn’t really her, but the authority God’s given her to have other’s prayers granted due to her utter faith in him.

She told me to put my hand on my chest and then told God to renew my lungs, make them have brand new cells, etc. Well, my lungs are anything but new.

Then she told God to make my female parts as they were intended to work and to let us have a naturally born, healthy child.

I had told her my fear of a miscarriage and she said not to worry about that cuz she prayed against that. Then why did she tell me to pray every day against a miscarriage when I’m supposedly pregnant if she took care of that?

Then she said that I need not worry and not even think about a kid cuz it’s a done deal.

So I’m supposed to suddenly have faith and change my belief system, which would be like trying to get myself to believe that it’d be perfectly OK to go out and shoot 20 people if you have a bad day? I’m supposed to believe that he loves me? That the devil has no reigns on me anymore? That he will give us a child? That my asthma’s gone? I’m sorry, but I just can’t swallow any of this. I wish I could, but I could only do so if I saw some serious change and results - like a naturally born child that was carried to full term. Right now, though, I have no faith or hope. As much as I wish I could say I did and that we’ll get our kid, I just can’t.

The only thing I am gonna do, that may get me in trouble, and that I swore I’d give up on, is try praying on my own for a child more often.

She also said that God has already chosen the egg that’ll be for this child we’re supposed to have and he’s chosen the sperm, too. Now, how can he choose the sperm for this when a guy’s body keeps making new sperm all the time? If he got me pregnant a week from now, then it’d be by a sperm that’s not even in his body yet.

Later...

Gotta get Tom up in 15 minutes.

Meanwhile, another thing that the lady said was that I was predestined to call. That God knew and planned for me to call, even though the evil side would try to stop me so that I could be helped to believe and to get our dream and to feel his love. The whole thing just either doesn’t make sense or seems too far-fetched for me. All but the belief that there are both good and evil forces and plans for us all. That much I can believe in.

It’s so hard for me to believe that our sex life will ever change or progress. There’s just always some problem with it and instead of progressing, we seem to be getting set back with it. No matter how much he is or isn’t reluctant, something is determined to hold us back, keep us from that child, and it is succeeding. The weird and surprising thing about it is that he truly seems bummed out about it, unlike he did up till fairly recently. Why, though? Why now? Is this really how he feels? Or is he just trying to make me feel guilty and/or depressed?

It’s awfully hard to do as this woman told me to do which was, don’t think about it, don’t try to figure it out, don’t analyze it, don’t worry about it.