Well, Gizzy sure wasn’t home for very long. He escaped last night, so this time - he’s out of here! I still love that darn little cute mouse, so if he wants his freedom so bad and if that’s what’ll make him happy - so be it. I’ve got the trap set up and he’s probably asleep now and won’t be caught till well after sundown.

Tom set up the 10 games I downloaded and there are 3 of them I like. They’re cute little matching games, but the others were a bore and I didn’t get as many drawing ideas as I thought I would, but that’s OK.

I’m going back and forth in my mind from feeling like maybe the reason why Tom either doesn’t cum or cums so little, is cuz of me. One minute I feel it’s him, then me, and I always feel like there’s a third party at work too, that’s involved in this. As involved as we are. Maybe more.

Maybe I have been a selfish, paranoid, spoiled, negative, pushy bitch. I don’t know. Tom did say that he always thought counting cycles was negative and unnecessary and that it wasn’t helping him, but that he thought it was important to me. Not if it’s a bother to him. Besides, I can see a couple where a guy cums regularly, doesn’t get the woman pregnant, then they count. So, for us to count really is a waste. He also says yet again that if I quit trying to fix things, things will work out and he won’t feel like I stopped caring as I worried he would if I just seemed to have given up on it and also with suggesting stuff to do to help us. Maybe he’s right and he’s gotten me to see things in a whole new light. I had always thought that if you had a problem, you should do everything you can to fix it, but perhaps not. Trying to fix and not trying to fix my smoking situation has never worked, but we did have to fix the stereo. And then there are the weight problems I’ve had on and off during my life. Sometimes, I’d try to fix that to no avail, give up, but then it’d fix itself and I’d lose weight. So maybe it depends on the situation you’re in and are dealing with.

It’s time to really start giving my husband the benefit of the doubt, shut up, and see what happens. I still believe we’re not destined for a child per orders of something up there, but just maybe I really have been too hard on him and as a reminder to myself - there have been things I swore he wouldn’t or couldn’t do and I called him a liar about these things, but he was the one who ended up right and I was wrong. So like I said, I’ll just back off, stop trying to fix this, be negative in my mind only if I can’t help but feel negative and try not to speak out loud any negative, skeptical or paranoid thoughts, and just see what he does and what happens. For all I know, he may truly believe in his mind that this is our ticket to a child, but be totally wrong (naturally), but there’s only one way we’ll find out if it’ll help him to at least get off more and that’s by doing what I just said I was gonna do. It may be hard at times, but for now, if I have to just write my thoughts down or talk to the animals or the walls, that’s what I’ll do if it’ll help make things better. Even Marla suggested this.

I don’t know if I should keep up the praying to God as I said before, cuz that would be asking for him to fix things and that wouldn’t be just letting time see if it could fix itself and I’m still sure God’s not on our side and that there’s no help from him. If he hasn’t answered my prayers in 3 years, why would he answer them now?

Tom says he doesn’t blame me for anything, but I told him that if I’m responsible in any way for us not having a child now, then I’m truly sorry.

I think I’ll go for a swim tonight after the bees go to bed. The pool’s now perfect for nighttime swims.