Tom just took a Rolaids before heading to work and I asked if I upset his belly (due to what we just discussed) and he said yes. I don’t know if this is true, or if he just wanted to make me feel guilty so I’d keep my mouth shut in the future, but when am I gonna finally learn to keep my mouth shut?! The man simply doesn’t want a kid, so when I’m sad, suspicious, worried or doubtful, why can’t I just keep it to myself? He can’t fully understand me when I talk to him and he ends up taking it wrong and too personally and we end up arguing. I have a goddamn journal. That’s where I should be writing and letting out all my thoughts, feelings, beliefs, worries, doubts, suspicions, opinions and the things that make me laugh, cry, or angry.

Once again, he swears he’s been perfectly honest with me, I read him all wrong, draw the craziest conclusions, my fears, doubts, worries and beliefs are off the wall, and I’m fertile and will inevitably end up pregnant, but I know he’s shitting me. So far, he hasn’t been right about this stuff and therefore, I can only feel and believe as I do and I cannot help it.

An example of how he takes me all wrong is how he says that the reason he hasn’t cum lately isn’t cuz he fears I’d be a bad mom, but rather that I’ve gone back to being obsessed with controlling him. In truth, I’ve been anxious to help us. And he says that I’m not good at reading people? Anyway, I’m not great in bed, but I know he’s using me as an excuse for his own decision to stop cumming.

When I asked him if he worried about telling me if he thought I’d be a bad mom and would get hurt and mad at him for it, he said mad is mad. And I’ve been hurt and mad before, so whether or not I’m mad a little or a lot at him, he said that wouldn’t stop him from telling me so if this were so.

Well, I just had the longest stretch of happy days before this, so now I’m gonna try to go even longer, stop fighting for what can’t be, and just try to relax. And shut up. My expressing myself doesn’t change things; it hurts things and causes fights.

Later...

Blackie Boy is here now. At least I only knew so by the car door shutting and not by his music. On a Tuesday night, though? It seems his visits are getting more frequent and again, I hope to hell he doesn’t move back in full-time. These last 7 or so months that I haven’t had to worry or deal with their music and parties have just been great. Please, God, don’t compensate me now!