Well, I’ve been here half a decade. It was at this time 5 years ago that Shadow, the cat I used to have, woke me after just 2-3 hours of sleep. Then, Bill left for work, and at around 8:30 that morning, Dad and I took off to see Sheila in Greenfield, then to Boo and Max’s in Longmeadow, then to the airport.

There are no mice currently residing in our garage. I set up the trap in there periodically to see if I can catch any, but I’m pretty sure I’ll catch another one eventually. Yes, Fuzzy has to have definitely gotten out of the house, cuz we’d have seen him by now if he were still here. Either that or smelled him if he had died in here somewhere. I’m sure that during my parents’ visit, is when he made his escape.

The weekend went off without a hitch. The object of my hatred didn’t party hearty, so if today is a special occasion for someone, it isn’t for her. Maybe it was his birthday.

I slept fine from 2 PM till 10 PM and no stereos woke me up. So, if there were any stereos, and I’m sure there were, and if there was any company over there, God had the kindness to keep them from being loud enough to wake me up.

A certain delivery has been made a few hours ago. To my surprise, the dogs didn’t go off when I threw the pen/tube over and I just realized something. Maybe the letters I sent got them to at least shut them up at night, since I don’t hear them on and off throughout the summer nights like I always used to. Well, now we’ll start working on the daytime barking and again, that is better in the summer. But come fall, they won’t shut up from about 7 AM - 7 PM. A half-hour won’t go by without a barking fit. I wish these dogs were like the dog that’s next to us and across the street with that old guy. That one hardly ever barks much at all.

So Marla thinks I can brainwash myself, huh? I had mentioned that that thought had crossed my mind, but I don’t think so. She says hence the saying, mind over matter. And that if I tell myself I won’t get pregnant, then I won’t. But if I tell myself I will get pregnant, even if I don’t believe it now, I will come to believe it in time and will get pregnant, too. My folks and others may have brainwashed me and got me to believe things I didn’t believe through repetition, but I was just a child then. I am not a child now, but a 31-year-old adult, who is not easily persuaded by suggestions. A part of me wants to try to take Marla’s advice, but cuz I’m so damn skeptical of my belief in my ability to brainwash myself and cuz I’m so damn sure that a child’s not in our cards, I haven’t been able to take her advice.

However, I have been praying steadily every day since speaking to that prayer counselor. I think she should be called a quack, but nonetheless, my reasons for doing this are so that I, or anyone else, can’t tell me I didn’t at least try to establish a “relationship” with God and that I didn’t try to obtain faith and belief in him. Don’t get me wrong, though, I do believe in his existence and I do hold the faith that God can do anything. Yes, he could make sure I got pregnant. The question is, will he ever use his power to do the things he can do? Not just with me, by letting me have a child, but with others that are in need of help or change in their lives, like with Larry and Tammy. He can, but will he?

So, what I’m saying is that if I continue to pray for a child, month after month, year after year, only to end up not being blessed with one, then that’d prove that I’m right about either God not caring, but more likely, a case of a devil that I can’t get rid of and that God, for some reason, just won’t override. I still believe the devil’s touch is stronger for some, as God’s touch is stronger for some, but I hope I end up wrong and that things do change, even if I can’t see or believe that now.

Later...

I just played a little bit of that tiles game I love so much. Tom has trouble winning and he asked if I had a strategy and I showed him how I played, but like he’s better than me at some games, this is one I’m really good at.

Tom’s cold has been an easy one to deal with and he was able to go to work at 8:00 last night. He should be home in an hour or so. He thinks what he had was the flu and that was compliments of Andy. Andy got sick the day after he was here and he obviously gave it to Tom. The germ even stayed in here, even with the EC exchanging the air. Thank God it didn’t get me. Isn’t that amazing? And I’m the one who used to be sick all the time back east and who still has asthma and who still smokes.

Tom says we’ll be able to have a “wonderful” sex week. My heart says, Oh how I wish! And that it could result in a kid, too. But my head knows that the devil, as well as any subconscious or conscious fears, doubts or hesitations Tom may possibly have, are just waiting to jump out at me and hinder us from good sex and most definitely from a child. Which is it gonna be - his not getting in there? Or his getting in there and not cumming? Or his getting in there, cumming, and us missing it by a day or so? My guess is that he’s backing off due to what I said - a possible miscarriage to have to deal with/the things that would go with a full pregnancy and a kid. So, he’ll probably not be in the mood, although he’ll say otherwise and instead of saying he’s not in the mood, he’ll just be too soft to go in there. Or he’ll make sure we’re deliberately not angled right so he can’t get in there. Or if he does let himself inside, I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if he didn’t cum.

Well, whichever it is…being too soft, the off-angle, the screwing with no cumming, I’ll just have to deal with it and accept it, cuz if I question it or suggest anything that’ll help, he’ll just bitch that I’m trying to control him, when in fact, he should bitch the truth which would be, “Hey! Get off my case, cuz if I’d wanted to get in there or to cum, I would’ve done so, but this is how I wanted it.”

Later...

Tom got in at 4:30 and is feeling OK, but is tired. He crashed shortly before 6 AM, but at 8:15, if I haven’t heard from his mom, who has an appointment, I’m to call her to see if she needs a ride. That’ll hopefully not set Tom back, having to get up so soon after going to bed, after being sick and tired, just to drive her to an appointment. Again, what would his mother do if we had a child? And how would we both cope with it? We’d both be as sick and as tired as I was in the NHA.

Anyway, as we all know, everything has its pros and cons and the pro to his not cumming, means that I don’t have to be all bummed at how something up there is making sure we miss it without a doubt (although then I’d have to fear a miscarriage if we did hit it, but hey, it is time to move on and if that’s what I had to move on to - fine) and how God just wouldn’t use his power to make sure we didn’t miss it. See, this is what I mean when I say I do have faith in God and his power. I know he could make sure that we both physically worked as we’re supposed to, then make sure one of his sperm met one of my eggs, whether or not he came, and then make sure it stood there for 9 months. But will he ever? Well, I’m not about to let myself get my hopes up, cuz every time I do, I fall. And the further I get my hopes up, the further I have to fall and the more it hurts.

I wonder if the assholes with the dogs have found their little message yet? Now all I have to do is hope that they don’t come here when Tom’s up, ring the doorbell, then ask him, “Do you know who might’ve left this (as they show it to him) in our yard?” 

Of course, I haven’t told him about it, cuz then he’ll be more paranoid than I can get and will be running around thinking that the world’s gonna end cuz of this. Remember, a neighbor and their dogs are saints in his eyes and they can do no wrong, and anything they do is acceptable. He says that it’s best not to complain about anyone in case they did it back or vandalized the house. I see what he means, he has a point, but sometimes you just gotta speak out and put a foot down. As long as I can’t have the dogs shot, and as long as I know that talking to them would produce no results, I’m gonna do whatever else I can to put an end to this shit.