Tom’s feeling great now and I’m feeling much better than I have in the last few days. I was really really tight. It’s not that I was wheezing, but I was tight and so short of breath. I took extra hits and he whacked my back and made me coffee before I fell asleep at around 5 PM. I got up at 1 AM.

Tom didn’t have to take his ma to her appointment, so I think that helped him a lot, too.

I just left Andy a message telling him that Tom’s better and that I hope he is, too.

I did use that large stamp journal that matches the smaller one that my folks got me, for a project after all. I just didn’t want to write in that one with its thin pages and it was all crinkled, too, and the cover was somewhat bent. I tore out almost half its pages and then taped in lyrics and edited manuscripts that I printed out. I still have 2½ journals with over 200 pages in them so I shouldn’t need journals till the fall.

Now that I feel better physically, I’m mentally a bit nervous. I’m now in the miscarriage zone till around the 12th and of course, I know what I’m in for, as much as I wish I could believe that things would change and that I would see a change, too. Tom says to try not to get either hopeful or negative about it and just to have a neutral attitude. I’d like to, but that’s easier said than done when you’re talking about something that means so much to you. I mean, I can’t think positive cuz I know I’ll end up losing and falling flat on my ass. Yet I’m trying to get out of thinking negative, which is also really hard when you’re so sure you’ll never succeed. And trying to remain neutral is hard, cuz it’s an important issue to me.

Still, I could bet all my journals and CDs on 1 of the following 3 things happening - he won’t get in there, he will get in there, but won’t cum, or he will get in there, will cum, and I’ll still get my period and my prayers for a child will still go unanswered by God.

I always enjoy and look forward to our sex and time together (well, almost always), but when you know what’s gonna happen and what you’re in for, it does take a lot of the excitement out of it.

Later...

It’s 5:30 and still no dogs. It’s early yet. Give it time. They’ll bark plenty from any second now, till around mid-morning.

I have been praying several times a day since speaking to that woman, but let’s see how well I know my fate. It’s gonna be number two. That’s which one I’m in for. He’ll get in there, but he won’t cum. In my book, until and if I see differently, he has gone back to not cumming. He’s just too worried about what a miscarriage would do to my sanity and he just doesn’t really want this much as I do. He tried, though, and that much I never thought he’d do in the first place. I’m scared shitless of a miscarriage, but unlike him, I don’t want to let my doubts, fears and worries stop me. Well, something up there has stopped me and until and if I can find a way to get it out of my life and take back my life, my body, etc., I certainly won’t be having any miscarriages. If I did have to choose between always missing it, though, and losing it after getting as far as 2-3 months, then yes, I can understand how he feels and I’d want to always miss it. To get that far to lose it, really would drive me insane.

Later...

Yes, I do know my fate well. I was correct with number two. He got in but didn’t cum. We both enjoyed it, though, and he was close. Tuesdays are when he’s the most beat, but when we screw again tomorrow, I feel there’s a slight chance he’ll cum. Well, if he does, I won’t have a miscarriage. Just a period.

Just when I said to myself, I don’t believe it. We got up till 9 AM and they haven’t barked, I heard them. But I’m certainly not curious to know if they bark the usual amount, or what, if any, effect the note may have had on the situation, so I turned the fan on.

There’s a chance they may not have found the note yet. They do daycare and have plenty of their own kids, so there are bound to be little toys like that left scattered across the yard. They may or may not have noticed it and if they did notice it, they may just leave it there and assume that the child that it belongs to, will pick it up themselves.

I know that this note, once it’s discovered, may escalate the barking, cuz people are such opposite-doers, but I couldn’t resist. It was worth it.

So, I did write about the incident on Oswego St. where Mattie accused me of fucking with Hank and then I chased her into her apartment while screaming at her and kicking her door. When she called the cops on me, I turned off the lights in my apartment and avoided opening my door when the cops knocked. I wrote about it while on Elm St. in S Deerfield. It was then in 1991, that I realized what a vague and shitty writer I was and still was, but was just beginning to improve, slowly but surely, so I filled in lost details.

I’m currently proofreading journal 14 and I’ve got 60-something of them left. It seems this will never end!