This is the most I’ve cried since I’ve been home. Each day it gets easier, but it’s going to take a while. I can’t believe I even bothered to respond to Mary’s first letter in the first place and that these people are still causing problems/stress for me on the outs! I don’t have to live with these people anymore (thank God) yet they’re still pissing me off and making me miserable. Fuck that shit! And fuck you Mary G and Ida F for fucking me out of my bear!!!

I keep trying to tell myself over and over again like a broken record how I’d be better off not seeing the bear anyway, that she’d have only ended up burning me, that there’s a lot of good to not seeing her again, but you know what? I’m not very good at lying to myself. Yes, there is some good to this, I’m sure, and perhaps it really is all for the better, but it still hurts. And there’s no way to fix this mess, either. I lost the bear cuz I asked Mary to do something she didn’t want to do, and now all I can do is move on and hope they don’t make any more trouble for me. Costing me my bear is one thing, but costing me my freedom is another. I still don’t see that happening, but you just never know. Anything could cause anyone to end up in jail in this state. Last night I was plagued with dreams of being a jail, being told by some nameless, faceless DO that the press was eating me alive, but I don’t know that this is necessarily a warning of trouble to come. I’ve had these kinds of dreams on and off ever since I’ve been home.

I realize more and more that Mary’s not getting out of there anytime soon. I think she’ll be there 6 more months to a year. Maybe even longer.

I haven’t had the energy to work out or much of an appetite. In fact, I stayed at 117 pounds because I only ate a few bites of macaroni on top of that burger and blizzard yesterday. Having backstabbers snatch from you someone you love and are attracted to does that to you.

Words can’t express just how glad I am we don’t have a kid. Not just because life would suck all the more with having to deal with the expense and demands of a kid on top of everything else, but I would’ve hated to have to level with the kid about life and all that. I’d have had to tell her or him, don’t believe anything anyone says. Don’t put your trust in anyone. God help you if you make an enemy, for they won’t just walk away. They’ll bring you down on their way out of your life.

How depressing as well as true, huh?

I’ll tell you one thing for sure and that’s that although I doubt Teddy Bear will call in a mad frenzy about this shit if she does, I’m going to let her know up front that if she harms me anyway simply because she’s pissed off at me, I will take legal action against her.

Another thing I’ve lost is the time she might’ve filled. Visiting with Teddy Bear would’ve given me more to do and filled more of my time since there’s only so much I can do sitting at home. I’d still rather be bored here than sitting in jail, but even so, I’ve lost so much. As long as she didn’t meet anyone in the meantime, I’ve lost so damn much. And all for asking a simple little favor of someone I’d done so much for. I can’t believe the selfishness in this world! You do for me but don’t dare ask me to do for you. That’s how so many people are.

I said I had had a bad vibe for the 3rd - well - those freeloaders arriving and my losing the bear is awfully close to the 3rd.

I ask myself - would Ida tell her PO to tell mine that I wrote her when she wrote me, too? Yes, she would. She would, even though it’d mean sinking her own ass as well. People will bring their own selves down to bring others down. The freeloader gave up a free house for me. They thought I was that worth it. So why not do more jail time for me, too? Mary, on the other hand, has nothing to lose, since she’s going to be in jail for years. Even if a year or two more was added to her sentence, it wouldn’t matter. She’s got enough years to do as it is that one or two more won’t really make a difference.

Worries, worries, worries! God, please don’t let Mary and Ida trash me to the bear!

Oh, like he really cares? He had me send the letter to Bill when I did for a reason - to get me into jail. So he’s going to have Mary trash me for a reason, too. I only hope it isn’t to go back to jail! Just cuz I’m bored a lot lately doesn’t mean I want to fill my time with adventures that aren’t very fun. I’ve had enough negative excitement in my life. I really thought Tammy would laugh at Bill for getting a letter like he did from me. I didn’t realize she was still so in love with him, but she is one of those who falls in love with abusive men. So, even though he was abusive to her and the kids, she’s still gonna jump to defend him.

I thought Teddy Bear and I met for a reason - to be with each other even if it was only on occasion. But now I see that it was only God teasing me into thinking I could have her. Just like he’s teased me before with a million other things. How could I have been dumb enough to believe that after 35 years I’d have a woman like her in my life, part-time or not? If it wasn’t meant to be in the past, why would it be meant to be now? And yes, I believe God used my stupidity and Mary’s vindictiveness to take the bear away from me. Things happen for a reason.

Oh, Teddy Bear, I’m so so sorry for trusting that bitch!

If this shit hadn’t happened, I’d be so thrilled if she called me now, but now, if she called me, I’d be like - oh, no! All she’d do is tell me how pissed off she was and not to write to her. Then I’d tell her I was sorry for my poor judgment call and that in the meantime, if you don’t like me, don’t have anything to do with me. Don’t shit on me either. Just go away.

Then she’d be nothing more than just a memory to me.

Later…

I worked some more on my bio since I’ll never have any more typing to do for Mary, nor any proofreading to do for Teddy Bear. Yes, I’m down to having just one project, other than the usual household chores I do, along with my hobbies, and just two appointments a month. Wow, huh? Lucky me. Now if I could just be surprised with a letter from Mary saying all’s cool, or a response to my letter from the bear in May, life would be even better. But neither of these things are going to happen, so I best just deal with it, get on with life and get over it. It’s just that I can’t control the pace at which I do this. I wish I could speed things up, but I can’t. Slowly my wounds will heal, but slowly. Meanwhile, 10 years from now I wouldn’t be surprised if I found myself wondering whatever became of my tall, redheaded jailhouse guardian angel that I came to love and never got to know. I’ll never even know if that R really does stand for Rebecca or Rachel.

Lo siento y ich liebe dich, my sweet Teddy Bear.

At least I can ask Tom for favors like spraying the outsides of the doors to keep the spiders out, without him turning on me.

I haven’t even had 700 calories today and I’m not the least bit hungry. I wish it could be like this every day, minus the anxiety and depression.