In between my final run-through of the bear’s copy, I began my autobiography.

Now that I don’t have a zillion appointments and have completed most of my writing and household projects, I find myself getting bored here and there. I’d rather that, though, than be overwhelmed with being in jail or having a zillion freeloader-related appointments. Even non-freeloader-related appointments can get to be a bit much after a while.

I did a little rearranging of the walls earlier. After 2 years, even a rather pleasant arrangement can get old, so I swapped some pictures within a few of the rooms.

Still no music in back cuz they’re not in the house yet.

It’s already coming up on 1:00 and I haven’t had to kick the AC on yet. It’s gorgeous out. I’ve got windows open in all the rooms but his office, the den, and the retreat. Actually, I shut the kitchen window cuz the sun is on its way back there. Early this morning it was quite chilly in here. We’re getting closer to needing the heat.

I’m still accumulating a few scattered songs off the web that I had trouble finding for a while. The original plan was to get either a CD changer or an MP3 player with my birthday and Christmas money, but as I told Tom, it’d be nice to do everything via computer. The only bitch about that would be having to deal with turning the monitor on and off since I don’t like rocking out with lights on at night. Also, switching from song to song may be a bit of a bitch. That’d depend on how big my list was, I guess. I’d probably alphabetize them. I’d have it hooked up to the stereo because although MP3s are small, they do take up space when you have hundreds of them. When using the regular computer, like when I’m writing letters or something like that, I listen to online radio stations to listen for new songs I like. With an MP3 player, I certainly could change my playlists around a lot easier, whereas with CDs, it’s not like I could rearrange the tracks anytime I felt like it.

Tom’s going to hit some stores and check into the prices of MP3 players and CD changers, and find out what they entail. Like, do they have a way of indexing what songs are where? If they’re not going to be any more convenient than a computer, I won’t bother. I’ll spend the money on other things like maybe a palm tree for the empty corner in the dining area, a doll, new rat cage…

I’m 118 pounds today. I would’ve been really shocked if I hadn’t gone down some more. Tomorrow I’ll go up a couple of pounds because it’ll be my day to indulge in a burger and some ice cream and maybe even a single bag of popcorn. I miss reading with popcorn. I haven’t been reading at all. I think I’ll have Tom pick me up some celery stalks and some cucumbers to munch on while I read this Saturday when he does the grocery shopping. The freeloaders have altered our grocery shopping schedule a bit. The first two Fridays of the month aren’t convenient for him to go grocery shopping cuz those are the days I see The Cheeks. Therefore, he goes on Saturday.

Anyway, I’m so sick of potatoes! I’m going to drop to just one package of potatoes a day, and also have a small box of pudding, a banana and a package of corned beef. This way I’ll have a better variety, and better to munch on a 14-calorie celery stalk, as boring as it is, and a 21-calorie cucumber, than a 300-calorie bowl of popcorn while reading.

I decided to do one more schedule rollover. Then, although my senses don’t sense my Teddy Bear in the near future, I’ll be prepared and ready for her should she jump out and surprise me with a pre-Christmas call, using my making-up cards for her as an excuse. I’ll also be set for the vacation he plans to take throughout the week of my birthday. We’re going to go play miniature golf and hit Game Works, too. It’s not eating at Red Lobster and shopping at malls for dolls, books, and clothes, but it’ll be a fun break from the usual routine. I’m looking forward to it.

Later…

Got a surprise in the mail from Ida, of all people, and what she said makes me wonder if I can trust Mary and if I should bother associating with her. The letter was only a few sentences. She says: No, Mary didn’t slip me your “nasty” note. She handed it to me since we’ve been cellies for 2 weeks. I’ll be out there again shortly and you will hear further from me then. Why did you use Mary like that, you coward?

So, in my reply I wrote: I hope you know that my intentions weren’t to be “nasty.” I was just being a smart-ass by saying shame on you for being in there, etc., and as I’m sure Mary knows, I wasn’t using her. I just wanted to play a little joke on you. You know how I was with my little pranks. I’m glad to hear you and Mary are cellies. You can share this with her.

Truthfully, Ida, I don’t care what you’ve done in the past or in the present to get in there. I like you, you’re an interesting person, and you were a good celly (even if we clashed at times), I just don’t think we should get together on the outs. You’re welcome to write me all you want, though.

Anyway, it’s ok that Mary gave her the note (which was not nasty in the least) and that Ida wrote to me, but here’s what worries me about Mary. It bugs me to know that she went against my wishes and simply handed it to her. It also makes me question just how trustworthy she is to know she gave Ida our address, even if it’s just the PO Box. Yes, I gave Ida the address before I got out, but she wouldn’t have had it with her in jail, she certainly wouldn’t have remembered it, which means Mary, who swore she wouldn’t give it out, had to have given it to her.

Tom said not to jump the gun and assume too much, and perhaps I am being paranoid, but I don’t know. There’s just something about the whole thing that really bothers me and I think it’d be best to hope she never writes to me again and for me not to write to her again. I’m not supposed to be in contact with those with records, anyway.

My only worry is Mary or Ida saying anything to Teddy Bear. Or worse, showing her my mail! I haven’t said anything wrong/illegal and I’d hope that if they did try to turn Teddy Bear against me she’d know better, but that’d be up to her should they open their mouths. There’s nothing I can do from here but hope she’s not involved in this and that Ida doesn’t do something like tell her PO when she gets out to tell my PO that we’ve had contact. Then again, where’s the law that says I can’t write to others in jail? I think this do-not-associate-with-those-with-records thing pertains to those who are on the outs.

Tentatively, I’m just going to quietly go away. Then, if I do hear from either one of them, I’ll decide how to handle it then.

Later…

The more I think about this shit with Mary and Ida, the more worried I become. I hope to hell it’s just pure paranoia on my part, but Mary’s turned on me, obviously, and so’s Ida. But why? Why would asking Mary to slip Ida that note which wasn’t nasty or else it’d never have gotten through the mailroom, upset Mary in any way, not that I can say for sure that it did? How is that “using” her? I told her she didn’t have to do it if she didn’t want to. She had me type stuff up for her, but I didn’t feel used. And just what does Ida mean when she says I’ll hear from her further once she gets out? That has a rather menacing ring to it. Does she simply mean she’ll write? Is it just talk? Or does she have any evil plans in mind?

The worst-case scenario is that I’ll get thrown back in jail over this, and the second case, which is the more likely one, is that they cost me my Teddy Bear. I don’t know, I just have visions of Ida saying, “Hey, Johnson! Jodi sent me a nasty note!” then she and Mary telling her all kinds of BS. I’d hope that Teddy Bear wouldn’t let them influence her in any way, but they could be flagging my letters around the whole damn jail for all I know. I wouldn’t care if they were as long as my bear didn’t get wind of it. And after all I’ve done to help Mary - God, I am so stupid! When am I going to learn - if you don’t want to be burned by people, don’t associate with them?

Well, hopefully my letter of explanation will back Ida off, and hopefully she and Mary will keep their mouths shut and not cost me my bear or get me in trouble, but even if it turns out that I’ve got Mary all wrong and she sends me the kindest letter, I’m just going to ignore her. This bout of paranoia, be it justified or not, is enough to scare me off. I’m going to ignore them both and hope they’ll do the same.

I know I haven’t written Mary anything wrong or illegal, but somehow, despite the fact that the bear did nothing wrong either, I doubt she’d like hearing or reading anything I’ve had to say about her, as good as it all was. Yeah, I lost my bear. I just lost my bear, dammit! Damn Mary and Ida to hell! They’re vindictive enough to do it and I know they did. I know they dragged my bear into this, turned her off and scared her off forever! Damn them!!!

Later…

A million possibilities run through my mind. Perhaps I am being paranoid about Mary because come to think of it, she wrote me after I asked her to pass my message to Ida, and that’s not something you get bent out of shape over. If you don’t want to pass a message, you don’t. For all I know, Ida could’ve written that letter to me behind her back and what she said could’ve been bullshit. Ida’s already proven to be a liar.

But Mary can be funny, too. She and I agreed she’d be the one to move since she didn’t mind big cells, but what did she do? She got all pissed off over it when it happened. She could be more two-faced than I’d imagined.

I hope that just like I was paranoid about losing the house I’m just being paranoid about losing the bear, but right now I have every reason to believe I lost her and that Mary and Ida told her about my letters and maybe even showed them to her. That’s my biggest concern right now. Way more so than being thrown back there. What’s done is done, though, and if I’ve lost her, I’ve lost her. Of course it pisses me off and saddens the hell out of me, but there is good in us never getting together as well. That is that even if the chances were one in a million of her fucking me over, she’ll never get that chance. So, all bad things have their good to them, too. All I can do is ignore Mary and Ida, hope they let me ignore them, write to the bear in May, and just live with it when I get no response.

Today’s the first day so far that we didn’t run the AC all day.