Drinking blueberry coffee now and finding it surprisingly good, even black. Didn’t think I’d like it at first. To me, the thought of mixing coffee and blueberry was like adding ketchup to a tuna fish sandwich. I usually detest black coffee, too.

You could say I’m totally hooked on my new coffeemaker and K-cup variety and glad Tom got the thing after all. Some of them come creamed and sugared, so I wouldn’t need to buy sweetener and creamer anymore.

Anyway, in regards to yesterday’s entry about why/how we ended up in Jessetopia for half a decade, Andy sometimes inspires me to do entries based on things he doesn’t know much about since they occurred during the time we weren’t in touch with one another. I’ve considered him my best friend since I was 22. Even during those times I wasn’t around (still feel horrible about that), and I realize at times that if my best friend doesn’t know/get a certain thing about me, then my readers probably don’t either. So that’s why I took the time to explain more.

I’m not going to explain every little thing, of course, but when a friend told me she started to read my journal from the very start, beginning in 1987, she found it hard to follow. This got me thinking. I was not only a shitty writer back then and nearly as fucked in the head as Kim in some ways (though I wasn’t delusional and I was always me), but I wrote the journal in ways only I could understand, having no idea I’d one day digitize them for all the world to see. I abbreviated in many ways and was vague about things because I knew what I was talking about. So now that they’re checked for errors and sensitive info and posted, maybe I’ll go through some time and make them more readable and understandable to a total outsider who’s never met me. I have left the original copies in Word in their original state other than to correct typos.

I have been dreaming of my parents more often since their deaths in 2012, and I don’t know why. I don’t miss them, so why are they popping up more often in dreams? Is it their way of reaching out to me from the other side? Something else?

In last night’s dream, they gave me a fancy restaurant. I thought it was beautiful with its fancy tables and chandeliers. I looked around it and said, "Wow! Look at all that glass and crystal.”

Then I wondered how I would manage it and clean it all by myself. My mom said something like, “I thought about that…” then finished off with something inaudible.

Dad was teasing me on and off and joking about this and that, and some older guy kissed me romantically. I wasn’t really into him and didn’t seem to know Tom.

Although my weight, and especially my inches, continues to go down, I’m still not sure the pills are having much effect on me. I need another week or two to decide. I’m just glad I haven’t had any side effects, but if I’d read that there were any known side effects, I wouldn’t have gotten the stuff. It does seem like it might be suppressing my appetite.

It has continued to be super dry here and we suspect that may be why my bad ear has been worse. Just maybe we will head for Florida someday when he retires. If we end up having a third dry winter in a row, then I’d say this place is definitely heading toward becoming a desert of sorts. Global warming is supposed to affect different areas differently. It may not get as hot as Arizona, but it’s definitely getting that dry. Even my skin can feel it. Just like down in Arizona, I have to apply tons of lotion regularly.

Pulled up some unfinished manuscripts and can’t decide whether or not I want to try to carry on with unfinished stories or start anew. IDK, maybe my time with that is done.

Later…

A few days ago on the 4th, I became smoke-free for 16 years. At the end of the month, I will have kept a journal for 26 years. When I read back on my life in the 80s and 90s, it’s hard to believe I was that same person. Then again, I could say the same thing about the person who lived like a bum in a trashy old trailer not so long ago.

Well, that person and her hubby are going to Hawaii probably at the end of January or early February. Tom called the travel people and was a little worried the company I won it from no longer existed, but they just changed their name. After giving the woman he talked to the numbers from the travel certificate, she verified that it is indeed still valid. A good thing since we did pay hundreds already on taxes. We need to mail her the certificate before further arrangements can be made. We’ll probably send it UPS and insure it for about 2K. That way, if they lose it and we don’t get the trip, we at least get more paint and carpet. :)

Not yet sure where we’re going in Hawaii as of yet, or for how long. It will probably be for a week, and I swear to God… if there are any screaming kids next to us or behind us I WILL have them moved. I’m not going to be screamed at all the way to Hawaii, though I do intend to take the laptop, the Kindle and a good pair of either earbuds or headphones. Still, no one should have to put up with such shit simply because most parents these days are too lazy to control their own kids or leave them home till they’re old enough to act civilized. Battling my schedule throughout the trip will be enough of a hardship, though one week is NOTHING compared to the 8 months we got stuck in motels when we first came to Cali.

From what she said, the islands tend to differ from one another. The main one is very city-ish while others are remote and jungle-like. I’ll take the remote one, though we may go island hopping while we’re there. We do love to fly if no one’s screaming in our ears. Just as long as we don’t go to any with tall mountains. I had enough cold, snow and tall mountains in Oregon.

I was browsing through some fitness forums, and amongst the usual perverts was an article on why you can’t just go up and get a thigh gap just because you want one. A lot of people think it has to do with how much you workout, diet and pull the muscles taught when in fact it really has to do with your bone structure. I figured as much. In other words, I have narrow hips and so a thigh gap is out of the question for me. I never had one. Not even at 100 pounds. Never had a thin face either. The area where my cheek and jaw meet is too wide. My face always appears quite round no matter what.

How come diet pills only seem to work for others, though? I’ve seen rave reviews on Raspberry Ketones, Alli (this would’ve helped me if it hadn’t been for the nasty side effects), and green coffee bean extract pills. The latter seemed to help with water retention, but now I’m not so sure anymore. I guess that if I can’t lose any more weight, then I was just meant to keep it. As long as I don’t return to where I was a couple of months ago!

I was kind of surprised when Andy said blacks weren’t favored where he lives. There are more blacks in the east than the west and they seem to be favored everywhere since the 90s. Then again, they definitely are favored in the West more so than the East. I think all minorities are except for gays. Don’t let Arizona’s immigration law fool you. Yes, they may be serious about cracking down on illegals, as it should be, but Mexicans are just as quick to play the race card as blacks and just as quick to be believed, sided with, and protected in ways whites aren’t.

When I was first hauled into jail, thanks to the white-hating welfare bums that lived with us and some help from their equally black, corrupt cop pal, I expected most inmates to be black. That’s what we see on TV and that was the image I carried with me into jail… until I saw that the vast majority of them were actually white. Once I got a taste of what it was like to be the victim of reverse discrimination, I knew it wasn’t because white people caused more trouble. No, the blacks and Mexicans were causing just as much – if not more – trouble than everyone else. The difference was that they were the ones getting away with it if not getting much lighter sentences.

Upon my vindication, Tom lost his job and we lost our home. I was never full of such mixed emotions as I was the day we knew for sure we were going to lose our home if we didn’t hurry up and sell it to the investor we sold it to. So sad was I for obvious reasons, but so relieved was I because I felt like we were mere sitting ducks. There was no doubt in my mind that they had our address or could at least get a hold of it. Nor was there any doubt that it was just a matter of time before they set me up and raked the coals over my ass yet again. I just thank goodness Tom wasn’t in the interrogation room the first time around. That pig would’ve thrust the same threatening letter he typed up (or that the “victims” received from someone else they pissed off) into his hands as well, getting his prints on the thing right along with mine. It was bad enough that I had to go down for half a year, but really damn scary to think it could’ve been him as well, since he was/is the breadwinner.