I’m having a really shitty day today. I have NOT taken a single day off from dieting and exercising. Sure enough, though, I was up a pound when I got up. This always, always happens! I lose a few pounds and then my body fights to regain it no matter how much I stick to the diet and exercise. I just don’t understand it. I can’t lose more than 10 pounds. I’m retaining water at the wrong times of the month. Eating “reasonably” instead of half-starving myself like I have been means I would go back to a slow but steady gain, and it’s just so frustrating at times!

The body doesn’t usually behave the way it does without a reason. Something’s gotta be going on that’s tricking my body into thinking it needs to hang onto all this extra weight. Half-starving means I stay fat, eating reasonably means I gain weight, WFT??? I don’t care how I look, but I care about my health. If I go back to gaining I’m eventually not going to be able to bend over to trim my own damn toenails.

I keep hoping the problem will one day fix itself on its own. Sometimes if we don’t dwell on a problem and if we just ignore it for a while and do not let it get to us, it works itself out. But not this. No, not this. Yet every time I make up my mind that this is it, I’m going to go to a doctor and see if something’s wrong with me, I find myself hesitant. Sure I’d love to get fixed whatever may be wrong so I could get results from all this hunger and sweat other than a stronger, fitter body, but I also don’t want to deal with any more problems. I’ve had enough problems in life. I wish I could just accept myself as I am and allow myself to gain all my body feels it needs to gain from a “reasonable” and “healthy” diet, but I can’t accept getting so big that it interferes with my everyday activities. I’m so huge I can barely do high-impact exercises. What would I do if I got so huge that I couldn’t even walk? But I just want to eat like a normal person for once and quit having to deprive myself so much!

I also hesitate to go to a doctor for fear of there not being anything wrong. It’s always great to not have anything wrong with you, but if it turns out my thyroid’s fine, then what? Is this just how I naturally am? A giant who’s destined to become an even bigger giant?

I asked Tom what he thinks I should do and he said to eat reasonably and exercise moderately. Ok, so 1200-1500 calories a day and a half-hour of working out are what I’ll do then, which means back to the 150s I go and maybe even higher. sighs I’ll get used to it one of these days. Millions of others live with obesity and so can I. clenches fist with determination I will learn to accept myself one of these days and to just let my body do what it naturally wants to do. There’s no use in putting myself through so much hunger and sweat if I’m not going to lose any more weight. I am what I’m meant to be.

I feel like I’ve definitely done enough bitching about my weight as it is and that I should really knock it off. It is what it is!

On top of problems with the laptop, my K-cup brewer spit grinds all over the place for the 5th or 6th time. According to my research, these explosions are caused by too much air in the cups, so they recommend you poke a tiny hole in the tops of the cups.

It’s just been one annoyance after another today, but maybe I’ll have a better evening.

Later…

I keep telling myself I shouldn’t worry about my weight so much. Worrying about it bringing about health issues and interfering with my day-to-day activities is understandable, but look at all the 20-somethings out there who are over 200 pounds. So many of them would kill to be 145, and I really don’t look that bad for my age. I know I could look a lot worse than I do for 47, but I think I too, will one day join the ranks of those over 200. Seems inevitable anyway. For now, I’m faced with a tough dilemma. I can’t lose any more weight, but do I keep eating next to nothing and holding it where it’s at? Or do I eat “reasonably” and let myself gain indefinitely? Eventually, I would stop gaining on a 1500-calorie diet, but where and when? sighs A part of me is tempted to just get it over with and let it max out, while the other part screams, “No! Hold onto the 145 as long as you can!” But WHERE would I max out at? I think it’s safe to assume it’d be somewhere around 200-225, but that brings me to my next question – if that’s true then how the hell would I get around? How would I live? I could barely bend over to trim my toenails at 155, so how could I do it at 200??? But starving to stay 35 pounds overweight just seems all wrong. That’s practically what it would take, though.

beats head Ignorance, Jodi, ignorance. It really is bliss. If you just shut up and ignore the problem, it may very well work itself out on its own the way it was MEANT to be. Duh!