Tom must be psychic. He decided I needed my nice new coffeemaker after all, even though I said it wasn’t important. Then today I get a little surprise win waiting for me in the mail – a box of lemon iced tea that can only be used with this type of brewer.

It said to put ice in the cup and not to use glass. So I used a big plastic tumbler of ours and it came out tasting funny. I thought it would come out cold. It’s called “lemon ice tea,” after all. Instead, it came out warm and tasted of plastic, as plastic often does when warmed. Oh well. It was free and I’m not a fan of lemon anyway.

Although I slept 8 hours I awoke with big-time PMS fatigue. My hunger levels aren’t up yet, but I can’t seem to muster up much energy to save my life. I have been dragging and dragging and have needed to lie down a couple of times. Not even all the caffeine I’ve pumped myself with has helped, but while dinner was just so-so last night, My Arabica coffee K-cups are delicious, so I think I’ll brew another cup soon.

I usually take a couple of days off a week from exercise and this will be my third day if I don’t at least do something. I don’t think I’m going to bother with a killer 1000-calorie workout, but just do 20-30 minutes of basic exercises to work the major muscle groups. Besides, as I’ve said before, even though I know some people may not get or believe this if they’re not a middle-aged woman, but exercise alone doesn’t make me lose weight. It merely helps me lose weight in conjunction with severely limiting my calories, something I don’t do every single day cuz that alone depletes my energy.

Now that the proofreading excursion is finally over I plan to fill that time working on my book.

Andy was saying he didn’t get how I could blame God for trapping us in the trailer so long, and apparently thought we had more options than we really did. We wish! The first 4 years of being in Cali were a real nightmare for us. He said he never would’ve taken the place he’s in now if it didn’t have a washer/dryer hookup, but we didn’t have the money to allow us to be so choosy. California is a very expensive state. Your average house rents from $1200 - $1600 a month. With one person making what was $10 before he got thrown on unemployment for 22 months, Jesse was pretty much all we could afford. We knew we could at least drag a small portable washer up to the sink whenever we needed to wash clothes. Also, we had shitty credit back then and most places want first, last and a deposit. Jesse only wanted first and a small deposit. So it took us $900 to get with him instead of the 3 grand a regular house would’ve taken.

We moved into the trailer in April of 2008. By October or November, he was laid off and unemployed for nearly two years. Then he got a good-paying job at $14, but it was only for 6 months and not nearly enough time to get ahead, let alone get much more than a couple hundred saved. Then it was on to another 6 months of unemployment before things really came to a terrifying and seemingly hopeless head two years ago. In the nick of time, he got an awesome job and has been there ever since.

Until things got better for us, most people saw our situation for the critical ordeal that it was while others were like, eh, they’re not doing all they can to help themselves. But we WERE. Besides the limitations I had set on me, Tom was filling out every application he could possibly fill out. He’d have loved to have filled out dozens and dozens more than he did, but he couldn’t fill out what wasn’t available to fill out. If it was as simple as getting offline and going out in person to apply, then the unemployment rate wouldn’t have reached 12% here like it did. Some things, like what Andy does cleaning for businesses, could be conducted in person, but we didn’t have a home-based business like that, and those that he did talk to would tell him to apply online.

The original plan was to save enough for a bigger, newer rental till we decided to buy a place in an adult community. Had we stuck to our original plan we could’ve gotten out about a year sooner than we did, but yes, I do blame God for most of our time there. If it’s really true that He has a “plan” for us, then His so-called plan for us was to be stuck there for quite a while. Besides, maybe it just makes some people feel better to blame Him just like it makes some people feel better to tell themselves He loves them, you know? I still think my blame is mostly justified since I still think some things happen for a reason. Not all, but some. I try not to push my beliefs on others and I expect the same respect in return. I don’t mind discussing these things, though, and while I may not get or like everything someone else has to say, I can at least listen and weigh different ideas in my mind.

Get it, folks? LOL, I can state the facts, but I guess I can’t always make one understand if they either can’t relate or aren’t very bright, but I didn’t start talking to Andy again till a couple of years ago, so he wouldn’t have known what was going on before that. Or at least the Cali story as a whole.

I loved it with the Jes pest at first after 8 months of being cramped in a motel room in a seedy section of Sacramento, but by the end of the year, I wanted out when he returned to work as a construction worker (till he went on disability) and left his dogs to bark from 5am - 5pm. It’s a good thing I didn’t know it would be years before that was an option. I was stressed out enough as it was.

Speaking of things we don’t get, I used to not be able to get how one who supposedly cares about someone wouldn’t be quick to lend money if needed. Now I would never let my friends/family suffer if I had the means to help them and they were that desperate, but after not having money for so long and then finally having it I can see where one is determined to really hang onto it cuz you just never know when it may disappear again. We have thousands in savings yet I want to shake Tom for spending $50 on a coffeemaker and kick myself for spending just $10 on a bracelet.

We did, however, decide to put aside a little paint jar. Whenever we have a few dollars here and a few dollars there after paying bills or grocery shopping, it goes to the paint jar in the kitchen cabinet. Once we get $60 accumulated, which is what we estimated we’d need to get started, we’ll start on the spare bedroom, which is also Tom’s office. These walls are going to be a big job. We estimate painting the whole place and re-carpeting will cost around 3K. We need to pop the strips off the paneling, fill the seams with joint compound, sand them and dust them before we can paint them. The end result should have the place looking like it’s 10 years old instead of 30!

Anyway, my feelings, beliefs and interests are what they are. Not gonna feel guilty for them or try to push them on others, but simply be who I am. :) The only sucky thing to finally getting what we want and having things go so well is knowing the bastard above hasn’t fucked off and out of our lives forever. He’s simply lying in wait. Eventually, He’ll use people and circumstances beyond our control to make a swipe at this place, too. He’ll be back and so will the nightmares. The ones that come true. Now if you ask me why He’s hated me so much of my life, that I cannot answer. I just know He hasn’t forgotten me just because He may’ve found a new whipping boy for now.

“Just tell yourself He loves everybody,” people have told me in the past.

But I cannot tell myself what I don’t believe. I can’t make myself interested in porn, tennis and sushi, or make myself hate coffee, music and rats. Life isn’t always about choices. It’s about making the best of what you’ve got as tough as that can be at times. But until poverty is our best friend again, we’re going to enjoy every moment of smooth sailing we can!