Almost every day for the last six weeks I’ve suffered some degree of anxiety. How am I supposed to believe this will ever end someday? Really, REALLY disappointed that the extra skips haven’t helped, but then it has lessened it a little bit. I haven’t had the runs, and the anxiety could be more intense without skipping.

Oh, to go back to the days when I didn’t worry about racing hearts, waves of anxiety, and waking up with nightmares, hot flashes and racing hearts! But that version of me is forever gone. The me that once took dangerous drugs (theophylline, steroids, etc.) without a fear in the world.

So many questions. Will this really ever and with my cycles? How many more years will it take? Will I ever be able to tolerate my medication full-time? Will I just go into a whole new problem if this one ever ends?

Most of my long-term problems seem to last 4 to 7 years. So I guess I’ve got 1 to 4 more years to go? I haven’t taken lorazepam since the 5th, but I might when he leaves or when I go to bed.

I was relatively free of anxiety yesterday, but I haven’t slept well the last couple of days. Figured sleeping better was going to end sooner or later. A couple of hours after I fell asleep I woke up to what I thought was banging. My first thought was that it was Monday, he was at work, and they finally came to dig up the road behind the house. So I got up to pee as my pounding heart slowly settled back down, then remembered that it was still Sunday, Tom was still at home, and I could just step outside the bedroom and ask if there had been any banging. He was sitting right there at his desk and assured me there hadn’t been. So if it wasn’t something on the other side of the house that only I could hear, I guess I was having some weird dreams.

I got a cute floor sticker of a pond with fish that’s about 35” x 22” on the way to me. The plan is to put it in my bathroom with the only potential problem being the textured floor ruining its effect and overall look. I should research some kind of floor filler.

I’m surprised my little tube of scar gel hasn’t run out yet, but I’m still going to use it all up even though I really don’t think my scars are going to fade any more than they already have. So they’re less noticeable but still noticeable. Really wish I’d turned my anger outward instead of inward, even if that might’ve cost me more of what little freedom I had. But I wasn’t who I am now in my teens. I handled things very differently back then, often being afraid to confront others or to voice my feelings. Now, though, I’m not going to hold back no matter what you may have over my head, no matter what kind of hold you may have on me, no matter what your job is, no matter what your connections are, and furthermore, I don’t care if you’ve got several inches and several pounds on me. If I’ve got something to say it I’m definitely going to say it, and if anything ever amounts to violence, it isn’t going to be against me.

Later…

About a week ago I saw a news clip on Facebook that someone commented on about a 19-year-old girl in El Salvador who was thrown in prison for 30 years for giving birth to a stillborn that she supposedly failed to get prenatal care for, not that she could afford it. There’s lots of gang activity there and she says she was raped by a gang member but didn’t even know she was pregnant until she gave birth. I don’t know if I buy that she didn’t know she was pregnant, but it’s a heartbreaking, sickening and even scary story when you think about it. It’s one thing to be aghast and shocked at some of the twisted, backward, cruel, barbaric and just downright wrong laws from hundreds of years ago. But this is 2017! If humanity is still this dumb, this fucked up, this controlling, this twisted, and this misguided in this day and age, it will never change. Ever.

Look how long it took to repeal the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy that the military had. Why does it take so damn long, if ever, for people to do what’s so obviously correct??? A hundred years ago it was perfectly legal for a man to kill his wife if he wanted to for she was viewed as his property and little more. We finally came to see the insanity in that, so why can’t we do the same with the overall treatment of gays and learn to stay the hell out of what should be a woman’s own personal decision?

Even girls as young as 10 years old get thrown in prison for having miscarriages. Are the El Salvadorian lawmakers really too stupid to get just how common miscarriages are, even if you’ve got money to take good care of yourself? Or is it really just that much fun to make people miserable? Does it make them feel powerful to control the lives of others like they do?

If we were to free everybody that’s in prison right now that shouldn’t be, the prison population would be cut in half. Of course, it would just go right back up if we threw those in prison that actually should be there.

Instead of wasting time running to the hospital whenever they get a call about a woman who’s come in bleeding because she was forced to perform her own abortion, why don’t they round up some of the gang members the put them in that position to begin with?

If this story is as true as it seems and her sentence isn’t reversed real soon, she wasn’t just raped by the animal that raped her, but the monster basically ended her life as well. This poor girl may not be released until she’s my age. I can’t imagine having been in prison since I was 19 years old. How do you cope? How do you survive? I know people can be resilient and adapt to situations they’re forced into, but still… Now she’ll never have any kids she may actually want, assuming that the rape baby was her first, and what will she do went she gets out? I don’t know how career-focused the women of El Salvador are, but what kind of job do you get when you’re older but not old enough to retire?

These days most people will be quick to argue and even get defensive and angry if anyone dares insist that whites are the supreme being. Well, white people have made plenty of stupid laws before, but when you think of the places where the laws are the most radical, sexist and extreme, and where there tends to be more gangs, war and violence, it isn’t in countries that are predominantly white. So yeah, maybe there really is a “better” color.

Later…

There goes my crotch burning again. It seems like the longer I go without steroids, the more it burns. The question is, is this as bad as it will get? And how long after treatment will this go on? Tomorrow’s steroid treatment day. Also, once the office opens in the morning, I’ll make an appointment with Dr. G for after August 1st.

At 9:30 yesterday morning I noticed a truck that might’ve said “trenches” on it, and some workers in neon green shirts. I thought, oh fuck! They’re going to start digging up the roads when I need to go to bed. I knew all those colored markings and flags weren’t there for decoration. While there were the usual loud landscaping sounds spoiling the peace, and I thought I heard some loud equipment rumbling over the sound of the fan and sound machine, I slept from about noon until almost 8 PM. So if they did anything, I don’t know exactly what they did. I just wonder how much louder it will get and how long it will take.

I love it when some less-than-brilliant straight people refer to gays as an “alternative” lifestyle. The only “alternative” to being straight/gay/bi is seeking and accepting exactly what you don’t want.

Tom has several skin tags and I have just one underneath my arm. I read that apple cider vinegar dissolves skin tags. Doubtful, because so many home remedies don’t work, I decided to give it a try anyway, and sure enough, the skin tag has definitely shrunk. I’ve done it twice so far yet I noticed a difference after just one treatment. Before showering, I soaked a cotton ball in the vinegar and held it under my arm with one hand while I brushed my teeth with the other.