Still feeling and sleeping okay. I get a little lightheaded at times, and sometimes my ear bothers me, but that’s about it since cutting back my medication. I knew damn well that’s been the main culprit all along, just as I’ve always said. The question will be how much more tolerant I’ll be to it once I hit menopause.

I haven’t watched the whole thing yet, and I still don’t know if I believe in gods, devils, angels, afterlives or reincarnation, but I’m watching a YouTube video in which real doctors at a real university conducted studies on 2500 cases of children around the world who claim to have memories of past lives. Only problem is that kids have very active imaginations. Also, they claim the kids accurately describe someone who once lived. But when you consider that there are so many different people with so many different personalities, lives and physical traits, pretty much any description will fit someone who is dead or still living.

The interesting part was one kid who said they got their fingers chopped off in a past life that was born with deformed fingers. Then there was a boy claiming to have been shot in the side of the head in a past life that was born with a deformed ear. Well, I was born with a deformed ear yet I certainly don’t remember being shot in the head in any past life.

I doubt we’re reincarnated even more so than I doubt there’s an afterlife, especially with the way the world population fluctuates as it does. When people want to believe something bad enough, they usually will, and I think it brings comfort to most people to tell themselves that there are gods and angels that care about them, that their loved ones go on, and that they will too. Still makes for an interesting and entertaining video just the same.

I had a dream in which some older woman bought what she thought was a really cool mug. When filled with liquid and then drained halfway down, the mug would say, “I’m coming home.”

It was nighttime and I knew the woman wouldn’t want to have coffee or anything else with caffeine in it. So I said, “Make some decaf so we can hear it say that when it’s halfway down.”

“No,” she said, not wanting to have to pee so much so close to bedtime.

Later…

I still don’t believe I have uterine cancer because I believe that I’m meant to live at least till I’m in my 70s. Just a feeling I have, although I know I could be wrong on both accounts. Erratic and or heavy periods, a sign of peri, is also a sign of urine cancer. So are clear or watery discharges tinged with blood, although I read that the symptoms are usually reserved for infections. Despite having these symptoms as well a few times, I still don’t think I have an infection or cancer.

My guess is that if I’m not surprised by a stroke or heart attack, I’ll most likely kill myself because Tom has died or is on his way. The question will be whether or not I go alone or we go together.

No matter what kills me, I still greatly fear death and dying because I’m afraid that if there is anything out there that has had it in for me, it’s not going to let me go easily. I’m afraid that it will be a slow, painful death for me and that I will most likely be alone. Sure hope I’m wrong. I’d love to go quickly and relatively painlessly, if not surrounded by friends and family, then at least by hospital staff. Just someone, somewhere.

Planned or random fate, I’ve decided to just let myself be dealt the hand of death whenever it’s meant to be dealt to me. That’s all one really can do anyway for the most part. I’ve come to believe that there’s both good and bad to dying at any age. I would still prefer to live another 20 or 30 years, but if I suddenly died now… no, I wouldn’t make it to Florida or Hawaii, but I think I would be missing out on a lot of potential shit that comes with age and just life in general, assuming I wasn’t sent to an afterlife of some sort that was worse than anything I’ve experienced in this life.

Good news and bad concerning my anxiety. Then again, I guess that all depends on how you look at it. I have had some since cutting back to every other day on the thyroid meds. Nothing bad enough to the point of needing lorazepam, but it’s just enough to be aware of it at times coming and going in waves in the center of my chest. So yeah, something else is involved too, and we both agree it’s likely the peri. It better be and it better fucking go away with menopause. To think I might always experience this on and off for the rest of my life is definitely one place I don’t want to go.

I highly doubt that being low on thyroid is causing it or else I would’ve had anxiety that would have killed me for damn sure before treatment, and we know I certainly don’t have too much thyroid hormone in me.