Got a lot to update on so I better get with it before I start forgetting things. Very tired now. Yes, the fatigue has set in from all the pill skips along with brain fog.

Or has it? That’s the thing…as Tom pointed out, I’m quick to notice every little random thing these days and wonder if it could be connected to the medication. Or maybe not. Well, I have had fatigue when taking the poison regularly, so I don’t know.

A part of me wishes that if I absolutely had to suffer a traumatic event it could’ve been something like being held hostage in a bank for a while instead of from a medication. It would be a lot easier to avoid banks than medication your body needs.

Although the anxiety started before I started the ointment, it has been a lot worse and I’m surprised that after 8 skips I’m still dealing with it. I’m fine today because I didn’t take it and I didn’t use the ointment. Tom thinks it’s my brain being paranoid and that while other factors may contribute to my anxiety, be it the medication or settling into menopause, he thinks that knowing I took the pill makes me anxious since I’ve been calmer on days I don’t take it, and that’s not how this medication works. You shouldn’t feel better in just a day. That’s what makes me wonder if there’s something about the medication itself. Like maybe something in the fillers. But then why isn’t my anxiety consistent? I just don’t get these things. I can take it without fail for weeks at a time without incident and then BAM! The anxiety gets me again. So if it’s psychological, why isn’t that consistent as well? Why don’t I get anxious every time I take it due to worrying about becoming anxious?

Questions, questions, questions but never any answers and resolutions. Tom thinks I’ve always had some anxiety but since the trauma, I’m much more aware of it. Well, my past anxieties and stress were definitely a joke compared to what I’ve been going through these last four years.

I still want to rule out the ointment as a possible culprit, and anxiety is listed as one of the many side effects, so I left a message with my dermatologist’s office asking about it after explaining that I have had issues with anxiety for years now. Amy isn’t in her office today so it could be a day or so before I hear back from anyone. I don’t know why I had to spell out the name of the ointment for the girl who answered, though, who said that medication wasn’t in my chart. Why wouldn’t it be?

Anyway, yesterday was what will hopefully be the last of the ferociously loud roadwork for a month or so. The jackhammer was the worst of it, of course, but where I finally did get a break was when we left for the dentist. Monday they worked alongside Bob and Virginia mostly. Tuesday they worked right behind us and on the corner. Yesterday they worked between us and Jon and Carolyn and in front of our place.

Tom says this is normal and that the economy being bad for so long caused these things to be neglected and now everybody’s making up for lost time. I don’t know about that, though. It still seems too extreme. Not saying there aren’t other places like this or worse, but if you can’t even do away with your sleeping earbuds at night because you’ve got motorcycles roaring in and out after midnight in a gated adult community, where the hell can you get a peaceful night’s sleep if you’re the light sleeper I am?

I’m convinced that there is a noise curse of sorts on me, though I don’t know who/what put it on me or why. I just know I’m tired of trying to run from noise I can’t escape so I may as well just accept the fact that I not only may struggle with anxiety for the rest of my life, but I’m not going to live in peace either. This really is the modern world for the most part. Vehicles aren’t going to get any quieter and people are going to do landscaping every day in most places like this, including projects. The world gets noisier, not quieter. Things are never going to be the way they were 30 or 40 years ago when there were fewer than half the people there are now.

I was talking to Bob earlier and even he said, without me bringing it up first, “Hopefully it will be quiet today.”

So far all I’ve heard are the usual annoyances. It’s the shit I can’t drown out that is the hardest to deal with. Nothing can cancel out a jackhammer just a few feet from your house. Same goes for street pavers, wood chippers and certain types of saws.

Was also talking to Jon and noticed one of the workers left a water bottle as well as a bag of cookies lodged in the branches of the tree on the corner of our place. I dumped the cookies and gave our potted cactus the water. I also gave it a bottle of the Green Green that killed a couple of my bamboos and noticed baby cactuses at its base. Hope the Green Green doesn’t kill it! You turn the bottle upside down and drive it in like a stake into the soil. It then slowly dispenses a drop at a time.

I pulled out the dead Lucky Bamboo I got a few years ago. Plus, a small one died in the large bunch I recently got. I removed that as well. I had a trio in a couple of mugs which I grouped together along with the baby bamboo to create the group of seven they say is necessary for better health. That’s in the center organizer. I’m going to be getting these really cool-looking pygmy bamboos that sort of look like mini palm trees and I’ll put those in the side compartments. They come in groups of five, so one will have two and the other will have three, which is the most common group.

I also snipped off the very top of the dying bamboo which was the only part that was still alive. Knowing it would be a hundred percent dead soon enough, I took that and threw it in a small bottle of water but I don’t think it will root.

Worried about Aly because she’s been having daily headaches, nausea and rapid weight loss. She’s 37. You don’t just lose weight at that age. At that age, you’re struggling to keep from gaining and when you’re not gaining you certainly aren’t losing. She’ll be seeing her PCP today.

Okay, now for the promised update on the dream I had where my dentist was in a different location telling me she was retiring soon, and then I got a phone call in real life saying they moved a few weeks ago. I went to see her yesterday and while the waiting room looked similar to what I saw in the dream, the overall layout of the building didn’t. The dentist herself didn’t come out and tell me she was retiring, but Kathleen did! I knew she was retiring but I thought it was sometime next year and not tomorrow. So… some interesting similarities.

“How did you remember?” Kathleen asked me.

LOL, I still remember some things even if I’ll never have the impeccable memory I used to have.

So it’s definitely easier to get to this place because we don’t have to jump on the freeway. The place is bigger and brighter. The reception area isn’t quite as sunny and open but that’s good because the sun would really be in my eyes a lot when we would go in the afternoon to the old place. The old place was sandwiched between other businesses so the front was the only place that had windows. This place is on the end so there are more windows, and Holly said the rent was better there as well. I figured as much. She had the same furniture and decor, too.

So I walked in and Kathleen wasn’t there. Some tall dark-haired woman that may have been Jackie was at the desk. Tom and I sat on the loveseat to the right of the door and there were a couple of old ladies to the left of the door. Just minutes later, Kathleen entered the place after what I assumed was her lunch break. She walked up to the ladies and greeted them and then she turned and came over to me and we hugged.

Tom and I both agreed that she looked a bit frail. She’s always looked frail but it’s like she didn’t have as much energy as usual. She still looks good for her age. She wore a long flowing dress that looked good on her, especially being tall.

She asked me how I was doing and I told her it was up and down but I was surviving.

So then I went in with Holly and fortunately, I don’t have any cavities. I just need to start flossing the bottom I-teeth again because I had some build-up. I told her I had become paranoid due to pulling that crown off but I don’t have any crowns in that area so I can manage to floss there. She didn’t give me the fluoride varnish she usually gives me nor did she thread the floss through my bridge but she did take some X-rays. No gum probe, though.

Holly is a sweet lady but no wonder she runs late at times. She never shuts up! Sometimes she’ll completely stop what she’s doing to tell me things, like about the trip she took a couple of years ago to New Zealand, her 35th anniversary, scattering her 90-year-old aunt’s ashes somewhere, etc. We talked about different places we’ve visited and want to visit as well as places we’ve lived and want to live. She’s lucky, though, because they’re not allowed to make loud sounds on Sundays where she lives. Sure wish I could have that one day off each week to look forward to but instead, I continue to hear it seven days a week, sometimes more than once per day. It’s ridiculous. I don’t understand why people feel the need to keep doing the same damn areas over and over again when they only need to be done once a week or less often.

The dentist then checked me over and asked how long rats live. I had shown both her and Kathleen my ratty tote earlier.

“No fair,” she said when I told her they only live 2 years.

At the rate Simon and Dumbo are going, they’re never going to die, LOL. Leave it to such timid rats to be immortal. If they were exceptionally friendly they’d already be dead, but then Burke wasn’t the greatest rat we’ve ever had and he’s already gone.

Anyway, right as I got out of the dentist’s chair and stood up, Kathleen was there. She put an arm around my waist and walked me down the hall and back toward the reception and waiting room area.

“So is this goodbye forever?” I asked, and she said no and asked for my number. I gave it to her but I don’t expect to hear from her because she’s never followed through yet. Could be she was just waiting until she retired and had more free time but I doubt it. Despite giving every indication to believe she likes me just by the way she hugged me and put an arm around me as she was walking me out, which seems a little beyond just friendly, I don’t expect to hear from her. I sensed from the day we met in 2015 that she liked me, but I don’t know, the woman is hard to figure. She doesn’t seem like a gamer either. But then I never would have expected what happened with Stacey either so I don’t know what to think. Whatever happens, happens. I’m not worried about it if I don’t hear from her, and I’m not worried if I do or how she may like me because she’s harmless.

If I don’t see her I will definitely miss her at times, but will always appreciate and remember the few years I knew her. In March I’ll find out who the new Kathleen is.