Today I’m feeling kind of anxious and depressed and even angry. It started in Rite-Aid. We went to the store because we had some coupons to use. As I was browsing the aisles I felt my heart rate speed up.

Nonetheless, even though I don’t need a new hairbrush, I got a beautiful paddle brush with a floral design on the back of it. Tiger lilies. I also got a cotton candy-flavored lollipop, some pantyhose, a new pair of tweezers, and then Tom got us a really cool electric can opener. It’s this gadget you just sit on top of the can, press a button, and it opens the can without you touching it or guiding it. It also cuts it so that the edges aren’t sharp.

So my heart raced for a while after we got home and I felt a little anxious. Pretty sure it’s got nothing to do with the ointment because I’m not only using very little but it doesn’t do it when I do my second dose. I still say it’s either connected to the medication or the remnants of perimenopause. I just wonder how many more fucking years is this going to go on? How many years am I going to have to feel emotionally off as often as I do? I fear that this is how I’m going to be for the rest of my life. Especially if not related to peri. Tom assures me I won’t always be this way. Well, I appreciate his optimism, but how can we know that?

Had frozen pizza earlier which was listed as one of the anxiety foods. Also, I definitely feel better emotionally when I’m on days. The further I push onto nights, the more unstable I feel, and I’m now getting up after 1pm.

Sometimes I wonder why I bother living. If it wasn’t for Tom, I definitely wouldn’t bother. I feel like the older I get, the less I have to look forward to. He laughs and insists our lives aren’t over, but it sure feels like it is. I just don’t see many more major changes or adventures because we’ve already been there, done that; that sort of thing. Things just aren’t new and exciting so much at this age. Instead of living in the moment, you worry more about the future.

The fear of dying still plays on my mind more often than it should even if I may not always feel that excited about living. I still wonder and worry about a possible afterlife that could be much worse than this life. Maybe there is a God that hates me. No matter how much the afterlife may not make sense to me scientifically, I can’t know anything for sure until I’m dead.

Beginning with the mid-90s, I started reading journal excerpts pertaining to the whole family drama, mostly with Tammy and Lisa, and that really sparked a surge of anger within me. I’m actually more pissed at the girls right now than I am Tammy.

When I read all the times I was there for Lisa when she would reach out to me and describe all the physical and emotional abuse she was going through just to one day be accused of lying about something as mundane as a date instead of politely asking about it in a civilized manner, I was utterly appalled. I was THERE for her. Always. And that’s the fucking shit I get for it? How the hell do you go from “I love you, Aunt Jodi,” and “Thanks for being there for me, Aunt Jodi,” to falsely accusing me of lying about a fucking date I supposedly gave my father as to when we started talking? And who the hell can be so fucking stupid not to think to ask if it was a typo or if Dad possibly misunderstood? Most of all, why would you care? Why would you give a shit about something so petty and mundane?

Instead, the guy that abused her was worth happily dancing away with and forgiving instead of the aunt that didn’t do a damn thing wrong to her but supported her every step of the way until she falsely accused that aunt of lying. Then she threw that aunt away and wouldn’t accept her apology for what she actually did do by bashing her in public.

Well, I’m about to do some bashing all over again depending on what happens on Sarah’s birthday on the 14th. I’ll reduce their names to initials in an anonymous account on PB from which nobody can identify anybody, but that’s all I’ll give them. I don’t even owe them that much. But I need to get these things off my chest and sometimes simply writing them in a journal or even voicing them to Tom isn’t enough. I need to go right to the source. I don’t care if they seek revenge on me for it. They can call the cops, they can try to stalk and harass me online, they can say anything they want about me on or off-line… I don’t care. I just don’t care anymore. And yes, there’s a chance they may do that because they’re vengeful people that love to seek revenge but I’m not going to let it stop me from speaking my mind in a legal way in which I have every right to do so.

God damn me for letting this bitch and her brats back into my life. God damn me. Really, who the hell were they to call me out on my posts while they can post whatever the fuck they want and we have to sit back and accept that without question. Well, I don’t want such emotional, vindictive, selfish, hypocritical, narcissistic little assholes in my life.

I tried time and time again to get those girls to be a part of my life and to be a part of theirs. I’ve tried numerous times to interact with them. But one can’t make people respond to their comments and messages nor can they make them reach out to them more often on their own. When they did respond to me, it was almost always because I reached out first. I let them know how I felt a few times but they didn’t care. All they cared about was when I had something to say that they didn’t want to hear or that they misinterpreted.

I was thinking I might go to the group convo with Tammy and her fat brats and tell Sarah I wish her a happy birthday and that I hope her mom and sister are doing well, leave it at that, and see what happens. I do intend to address these issues sooner or later anyway. I’ll either tell Tammy in what will hopefully be a civilized discussion or they’ll read about it in the journal. I realize they could ignore the journal and that I can’t force them to read it, but it will be there. Sort of like the revenge story I’m going to leave. Can’t guarantee that the right people will see it but it will be there.

My guess is that I’ll be ignored but hopefully, I won’t be blocked because if I’m ignored will be when I’ll want to contact them with the journal link. I’ll also unblock the other account of Lisa’s I found and send her the link as well.

Kim turned 38 today and Aly is depressed and lonely and wondering if she’s meant to have true love. Maybe if she wasn’t so drawn to unstable and unpredictable people she might have a better chance of that.

She’s good buddies with Molly who is still stalking and harassing people. These days it’s mostly those she’s actually met face-to-face. This guy Roman that she used to date. She harassed him into blocking her and so she’s whining about that and how she’s “changed.” Aly says she’s matured but based on her tweets, it’s the same old whiny rants.

All I remember from dreams last night was being on some farm and asking someone if horses actually liked getting it on.

Then I had a dream that my ENT added a kitchen to her waiting room which appeared to be in a dumpy trailer. So I decided to make Shake and Bake pork chops or chicken while I was waiting to be seen. Afterward, I noticed that the fan inside the oven sucked up the Shake and Bake.