So my perfume is still not here. If I don’t get it tomorrow I’ll contact the perfume people and tell them I didn’t get it, give me my money back, and cancel my subscription. I’m not going to go back to the days of fighting to get things delivered to me. In Arizona, I had to work at getting dolls delivered to me. In Oregon, I had to fight to get the prizes I’d win. Here, I’m not going to fight for perfume.

I’ve got skin tag remover coming tomorrow but I think we actually did succeed in killing my skin tag earlier because it’s shrunk into a little hard knot. It was hurting before when I would move my arm a certain way. It’s just starting to get better now, though.

All I remember for dreams last time around was being in this huge pool by myself. I think it was an indoor pool. It was huge but not very deep. You could walk across it.

There were some trees at the sides and I looked up at one of them to see what appeared to be a large cat of some kind. Like maybe a bobcat. At first, I thought about how realistic it looked but assumed it was a sculpture. I splashed some water on it and it seemed to move its jaw a little. Then it was on the other side of the pool in a tree in which it slipped out of and into the water below. Now knowing it was really a big cat, I went running out of the room as fast as I could. But then I realized I left my purse by the pool and was wondering if it would be safe enough to dare to venture back in to grab it.

The “stroke” house is doing what they do best, blasting their fucking TV. They do this every night till around midnight or later and it really does get old. I can’t make out what the people are saying but I can hear the faint drone of it in here if I don’t have any fans or air cleaners running. It’s fucking ridiculous that one’s TV can be heard in a place like this of all places and from that far. I realize they’re probably deafer than deaf and don’t even know how loud it is, but still. There’s always fucking something to annoy me day and night. I’ve never lived anywhere this noisy. I hate to say it, but this place even puts Phoenix to shame in a lot of ways. Yeah, I heard a lot of shit there but not nearly this often.

Just put the fan on and will just deal with it because I know how sensitive people are. You just never know how they’ll react and of course, they’d tell everybody if I asked them to turn it down regardless of how they take it, and then there will be more Rays to frown at me and badmouth me to others and act like I did something totally rude and unreasonable. That’s just how it is in the west and I don’t need any shit for the rest of the time we’re here. If it could be heard over things running, then yes, I’d be over there and I wouldn’t give a shit how they took it or what anyone else thought either.

Yesterday I felt horrible. I was very anxious though I didn’t have a racing heart. Today and tomorrow I’m skipping my meds and already I feel better. I know damn well it’s that poison that’s been causing the bulk of my problems. It just takes more than one skip to drain the shit out of my system enough to back the anxiety off. Dr. O has to either switch me or lower my dose!

Mrs. Twenties told me that her 9 carloads of visitors would be here every OTHER Tuesday. I swear they came to honor their imaginary friend last Tuesday so why are they here tonight? I guess Fantasy Night is going to be every Tuesday now?

My Jimmy Choo perfume finally showed up today. It’s just so-so. The scent fades right after you spray it. It’s very mild and I definitely don’t smell the patchouli in it either before it fades.

We signed up on the new patient portal but I still couldn’t message my doctors if I wanted to. I’m sure it will be screwed up for months and then right when they finally get it running smoothly enough, they’ll go and fuck things up by changing things around again. You would really think that by now they’d have this sort of thing down pat. They’re making it way more complicated than it needs to be. Got appointments for eye exams on the 20th of next month but I may not make it. It’s going to be tight schedule-wise.

I checked the program and will be getting up a half-hour after my appointment with Dr. A is supposed to begin so I’ll have to reschedule that. God, I’m sick of this shit! Just 3.5 months left of the year and I still have 5 appointments to go. And this doesn’t include any that may spawn from any of these 5 appts. I am so, so sick of all the fucking medical crap! The doctors, the medications, the appointments… I swear I’m ready to wash my hands clean of it all and walk away for good! If only I could have just my dentist, the ENT, and eye docs to deal with. If only! I’m so tired of dealing with PCP and other specialists. When am I ever going to get a break! Every time it looks like I may have about 3 months between appointments, I get hit with something. I wish I could just toughen up and learn to simply live with whatever life throws at me.

I don’t miss Jesse, his mutts or his trailer but I sure miss the seclusion and how much quieter it was there, and I definitely miss not having appointments or needing medication. Well, I needed it. I just didn’t know it. But hypo symptoms are annoying while anxiety is scary so the thought of quitting altogether really is appealing. However, I’m going to take the damn poison tomorrow and hope for the best.

Last night I dreamed I was at the dentist and again it looked nothing like the old place. It didn’t look like anything in the last dream either. I was sitting on a couch in the waiting room and Tom was in some other room talking to the staff, probably about billing. I realized I’d forgotten to pluck my facial hair and put on any makeup.

Then Kathleen walked into the room and sat in a chair nearby and said something about either a or dream or a feeling she had about me or something going on in my life. I told her I didn’t know anything about it, however, and said, “I sometimes have vibes and dreams about you too. I know you know someone named Monica. Do you?”

She said no.

Then Tom came into the room as I got up to use the bathroom. The bathroom only had an opaque piece of plastic hanging in the doorway. I sat on the toilet and realized I could see through it easily and that I could no doubt be seen as well. So I quickly stood up, flushed the toilet, and stepped out just as Kathleen was ready to lead me in back to an exam room. I was embarrassed at the thought of her knowing I hadn’t washed my hands afterward even though I hadn’t actually peed cuz I felt too uncomfortable because she would have heard the sink water running.