Where’s the freeway? Usually, I start hearing it inside the house regularly by late August. It started to filter in a couple of times but right now I’m pretty sure I hear that fucking TV across from Bob and Virginia. Very faintly. It’s just barely audible.

Didn’t have the greatest day today. About an hour after using the ointment, my heart raced and I became a little anxious as well as warm. Tom doesn’t think it’s the ointment and I’m hoping to hell he’s right. My guess is that it was the usual culprits… My meds and flares. Skipping my meds tomorrow but by God, I’ve had enough of this fucking shit! Something has to change. Dr. O has to work her magic again.

Starting to really fear, however, that even though I may be way better than I used to be, I’m always going to have some form of suffering. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to go more than a month without some anxiety, regardless of what may be causing it.

I’ll be finding out in about 20 minutes whether or not the ointment could be a factor even though the symptoms weren’t listed under the topical form when Tom checked. I’m going to be hopping in the shower and applying my last dose of the day. Really hoping it’s not that because it really does seem to be relieving the itching and burning. I don’t think it is but I’ll find out soon enough.

A loud white dumpy pickup came and went a couple of times. It wasn’t as loud as that insanely loud car but I swear the driver looked like the same driver of the car. I didn’t see where they went. They could have gone just down the street or to the back of the circle.

Tom got a letter from Mercy saying that his doctor will no longer be seeing patients. Gee, that really hurts! He still wants to find a doctor outside of Mercy at some point. Right now we have to pay a grand for the MRI.

He’s always been a bit shaky but it’s been worse lately and he’s glad to know it’s not connected to his hearing issues. I hope it’s nothing serious because 61 seems a bit young to be trembling like that. I didn’t even do that when I was thyrotoxic.

When I started feeling anxious I went next door to see if Bob and Virginia have ever heard of Tacrolimus. Again I accidentally woke them up from a nap. I’m sure I’ll be punished tenfold for it too, even with my sleeping earbud. I’ll wake up just because more than usual or I’ll have insomnia. One way or another, though, I WILL get to Dr. O.

I felt bad for waking them up. Virginia brushed it off as no big deal but Bob seemed annoyed. Maybe part of that was because he had an eye exam earlier in which they dilated his eyes, so things were still too bright. At 89 years old it’s amazing he can see it all, LOL, because I sure as fuck am going blind at 52. I swear it’s getting worse by the minute. We should hopefully be going for exams soon.

I really wish employers would stop firing employees because of stuff they say outside of work. Mean or not, that’s just plain wrong. So what if a nurse said she wasn’t happy to attend an event for a bunch of “fat natives?” If she’s still doing her job properly, then who gives a shit? Opinions are like assholes. Everybody’s got one. Everybody hates somebody or something. If you’re an employer and you want people with nothing but pure and sweet thoughts, you’ll never hire anyone.

Aly’s been miserable. She’s not only lonely but she’s been going through her own health issues. We just get tired of how unfair life can be and why so many assholes seem to feel great while we suffer. Look at Kim. Her worst problem in life is being yelled at for stuff that she does.

I still have absolutely no desire to be friends with Molly, if there’s any such thing as a real friendship with someone like her, and I know I would ignore her if she ever reached out to me. Now why can’t I feel like this with everyone I’ve ever had a problem with before in the past? Why can’t I hold grudges for 30 years like Nissan apparently is with everyone who’s ever wronged me in life? Why can’t I be like that? Why can’t I be less forgiving and harden my heart? Why am I such a softy? I really wish I could be a little more cold-hearted.

Aly’s not only pissed because she and her dog have been judged by her new neighbors but also learned from a mutual friend of hers and Jase’s that he never really wanted kids and that he just said he was up for the idea of fostering kids to make her happy. That is so typical male too, to say you want kids that you don’t. I still believe Tom never really wanted kids back when I thought I wanted one. I get that we don’t want to hurt those we care about but in the end, we hurt them more by not being honest.

Aly really wants to settle down and adopt or foster a kid but I’m afraid that like with most things we plan in life that will be just a dream for her. 37 may not be over the hill but I think she has a hard time hanging on to people because of her problems, moods and lies. Then there’s the fact that most men simply don’t want kids. I hope I’m wrong but I think that like with Andy, she’s looking at a life of short relationships and solitude. Hope I’m wrong, though!

I’m almost done proofreading and editing my Revenge story and now I’m done with this thousand-word entry.