Slept shitty last night. Took a melatonin and woke up a few times with the neck knockers. A few days ago the earbuds slipped and traffic woke me up once or twice but they have otherwise continued to really cut down the traffic wakeup calls. So that much is good. But I’ve been overdoing the sodium again and it’s got my systolic blood pressure number back in the 140s and me very aware of the pulse on the left side of my neck.

Ordered groceries to be delivered this evening and I made sure to reduce the sodium and increase the fruits and veggies. I just wish I didn’t hate to cook so much! I wish I were as good with that as I am with languages. I can’t avoid sodium, cholesterol and sugar altogether but I did my best to get a better balance of things that will be healthier and boost my mood.

Even though I skipped my meds, I was still a touch anxious. I was actually more depressed than anxious. It’s a reminder that the medication isn’t the only culprit and that my hormones are probably still fucked up and that my eating habits haven’t been good lately. I know I was feeling good between most of July and the first part of August. Wish I could remember for sure when I stopped eating healthier. I know I started before I saw Dr. A because she commented about my blood pressure being down and I told her it was because I revamped my entire diet. I need to stick to things longer and stop slacking off.

Even Tom sees that I feel better emotionally during the daytime, probably because there are more distractions to piss me off and divert my attention from my troubles. But this doesn’t mean that things still don’t need to change because they do. My medication needs to be switched, the dose needs to be lowered, or I need to do automatic skipping on set days no matter how I feel as a preventative measure. I just wish I could know which one would work best for me without putting myself through any more possible chaos beforehand!

I wished Sarah a happy birthday in the family group message on Facebook and expected to be ignored. Well, I was ignored by both Tammy and Becky who saw the message but then I was surprised with a “thank you” from Sarah, saying they were doing well and she hoped we were well too.

This was nice to get because while we may always be very different in many ways and they’ll always have traits I dislike, it’s good to at least get along. I’m getting too old for enemies or to bicker with anyone. I don’t want to be buddies with them, but I don’t want to fight.

So now they won’t get 40 pages of old journal entries as well as current thoughts I might have shared with them anonymously in one of my bogus blogs giving them a piece of my mind as I planned to do in a couple of weeks if they continued to ignore me. But I’ll save what I’ve gathered just in case.

In one entry I had written about how upset Lisa was when she was down in Florida and my mother, Marty and Ruth badmouthed me right in front of her. That’s totally something they would do too, and it’s a reminder of just what kind of people they were. It’s bad enough to badmouth your own daughter to your in-laws but with your granddaughter around? Really, Dureen?

Last night I dreamed that the phone rang and it was Andy. “Look outside your window,” he said.

I was sitting on the edge of a twin bed and looked out the window to my right at Bob and Virginia’s place which looked different. All I saw was a solid wall. No windows or anything else.

Then Andy began talking and I said that I was looking out at Bob and Virginia’s place and that while he pissed the shit out of me big time I really missed him.

A part of me wishes I could say this was true but I don’t. I just don’t. I’ll always cherish the fond memories of our younger days together but other than that, I don’t miss his insensitive, arrogant and hurtful ways.