Relaxing with my third and final cup of green tea. Definitely does seem to speed up the metabolism but I still don’t expect to lose more than a few pounds. Maybe, if anything, it will just make it harder for me to gain weight. :-)

I slept better last night even though I woke up a few times and felt better rested today. Even my arm from my flu shot isn’t as sore. I still get these weird feelings in my head at times, though, especially when I first stand up. Had a huge head rush earlier. Yesterday I found myself utterly freezing at times and I’m not sure if it had to do with the flu shot, my thyroid, or just my usual sensitivity to cold. I hate being cold and I’m so tired of it! I’d rather be annoyed with being sweaty and overheated if I can’t be comfortable.

Still keeping things pretty generic in my public journal, especially when it comes to my health and our purchases. Some of it anyway. I know one of my regulars hates Amazon and one time she left a comment saying, “Is there anything you wouldn’t buy?” and I didn’t know if she was teasing or critiquing me, and well, I don’t need anybody judging me. Just sharing with Aly because we know each other well and we don’t judge each other. She and I may not agree on everything but she’s smarter than most people and has a better memory than most people too. Also, if she asks me something, it’s because she’s curious, not judging me.

Well, that didn’t take too long. Alyssa’s pregnant. Don’t know when she changed her profile picture but in the picture, she looks just about full-term. Got to admit I’m kind of surprised and not just because of the times we’re living in but because she just seemed like such a career woman. Like she was really focused on that. I don’t understand how people with such demanding jobs as doctors have are able to make time for kids any more than celebrities. They’ll probably be raised mostly by nannies as many with money seem to seek out.

It really seems like she has it all. She can keep a schedule, she can drive, she’s obviously got a husband who can perform, full rights to her reproductive system, and a great career that pays fantastic. Can her life really be all that perfect? I’m sure there’s got to be some imperfections I can’t see but I honestly can’t believe that she’ll ever know a day in her life of what it’s like to be abused as a child, with sexually defunct people that you love but that doesn’t turn you on in ways that others have that you either don’t know or couldn’t possibly get, and I seriously doubt she’s ever known what it’s like to struggle financially or that she ever will.

She’ll never want for anything such as I have but if I suddenly wanted a kid as I did 20 years ago, I would definitely not give in to that desire with the way the world has become. If they’re even remotely right about the future effects of global warming, I don’t see why anyone would want to bring a child into the world. The overpopulation, the effects of climate change, a possible nuclear war that kills by the millions, maybe even billions… It would almost be selfish and cruel to bring a kid into that.

Again, it makes me wonder… Is there anything out there that has picked and chosen what does and doesn’t come our way? Why would it give some people everything, some people nothing, and some people a mix of good and bad if there was?

Imagine if her hormones left her depressed and anxious as hell, nothing she did helped make her feel better, tensions began between her and her husband, her sex life went to hell, and she suffered from lack of sleep and the immense demands of trying to juggle her home life with her career, and even lost some money or didn’t make nearly as much as she expected.

It will never happen, though. I get it, God, if You exist. You love her. She’s special to You. Some people are Your absolute number one pride and joy while others…eh, who cares, right?

Tom has gone to bed and now I’m left with high hopes of having a calm week and a series of annoying commercial planes. Felt a little wound up earlier and Tom feels certain that it’s just my typical Sunday night anxiety, knowing that he’s going to be gone the next five days.

I got a case of wine spritzers when we ran out to Safeway and drank half of one to see if it helps relax me. I only drank half because I don’t want to fall asleep too early since alcohol makes me tired and I’m not that bad now. The thing is that some things may make me drowsy, but they don’t take that anxious feeling out of the center of my chest. I still worry that I’m never going to find a solution and that I’m going to suffer on and off for the rest of my life. Very tough pill to swallow!

I’m also getting sick of this damn hip pain. The further into my day, the more it picks up. I’ll just suffer until bedtime which is a good 4 hours or so away, then I’ll take Ibuprofen as I have for several days now.

But yeah, imagine that Alyssa? Oh, I know I should be happy for you since no one deserves to suffer but still, I can’t help but not cry, “No fair!”

Anything you want, you just go right on up and get it. How about your husband suddenly having a low drive and being unable to squirt and actually glad that he can’t because he doesn’t want any more kids before you decide you don’t want anymore? How about being tortured by your own mind and body when everything is otherwise going well for you? How about having to make sacrifices because you don’t have enough money? How about feeling like a fucking freak because you can’t do the everyday things others can do, even if there is some good in that?

I can refuse to be anxious all I want and swear up a storm that I’m absolutely not going to let it get to me but it’s much more powerful than my strongest declarations of refusing to feel it and put up with it. It’s not up to me. I don’t rule it, it rules me. And sooner or later it’s coming back with a vengeance, probably during the week.

I’ve got a 4 PM appointment at the lab on Thursday so they can gather all my shitty numbers from my thyroid to my cholesterol. I don’t expect any issues with my red and white blood cell counts although the white will probably be slightly elevated as always. The question is what will my BP be when I see my doctors? I’m trying to lay off the sodium all I can but I’m having that damn bounding pulse right now. Can’t get an accurate BP reading so maybe it’s just anxiety.

The clear handles he got to replace the ones that broke in the shower were a little big so he took a hacksaw to them. Figured it was easier to just cut them than guess again at what size to order.

I had a dream I was on the beach that we used to go to every summer when I was a kid. The beach was deserted and I walked into the water up to my waist. It was still light enough to see well but in just a few seconds it was almost dark. I glanced over to where the dock was down to the right and thought about doing something I’d never done before and that was to walk past it on my own and see what was around the bend. But it was too dark. All I could make out were faint silhouettes of trees against the sky, not that there was any right by the dock.

Then I was in a swimming pool in the next dream when a little girl who was standing next to me said, “You’re a gymnast too,” as she flexed her leg straight up at her side.

I smiled, did the same (not that I ever could do such a thing), and jumped into the deep end of the pool. That’s when I began to drown. For some reason, even though I kept flapping and waving my arms to pull myself up to the surface, I just couldn’t reach it and woke up as I was running out of air.

The fuck is it with me and these dreams? I just don’t get why I have so many negative dreams. First some crazy woman wants to smother me with a pillow a couple of nights ago and then I’m drowning.