“They’ll never notice.”
Well, I sure got that wrong! Kim
noticed. She wished me a happy birthday and asked what I did that day and how
things were going. I quickly felt like an idiot for unfriending her and
apologized right away, saying that I thought she was sick of me and that this
was why I hadn’t heard from her. If I had the memory I used to have I would
have remembered that she was in a very bad car accident and things aren’t the
same for her any more than they are for me. She once loved being an RN but now
she’s forced to settle for menial jobs like at Yankee Candle Company and she’s
working at an animal shelter. She does love animals so I don’t know that that’s
much of a settlement. But life definitely isn’t usually what we plan it to be.
I’m sure Aly didn’t plan to be moving
back in with her parents, however temporary it may be. She can’t afford to
renew the lease on her studio so she moved back in with them not just to save
money but so she can help her dad recover from back surgery. She’ll stay with
her boyfriend on weekends. She hesitates to move in with him so soon after
moving in too soon with her former BF and GF was a bust. As I told her, though,
if it’s meant to be, it will work out regardless of when they live together,
not that they won’t have some disagreements as all couples do. At least she has
someone who can perform and has a normal appetite for his age. Well, that’s the
impression I get. Ah, but is he as smart and as accepting as my guy? Is anyone?
So I reconnected with Kim and told
her that I have all kinds of things going on as well and that I miss the days
when asthma and allergies were my worst problems. Now it’s one thing after
another on top of the usual and yet again I wonder if life is worth living. I’m
getting awfully bored with life anyway and I don’t see much hope for many new
and exciting changes ahead, so why live to suffer?
I’m getting behind so I’ll back up to
yesterday. I didn’t feel well enough to blog yesterday. I got up, went to the
lab, and then Tom reminded me to hold the paper we printed out in front of
their tablet to speed up the process of checking in for my appointment. I
totally forgot about that and I never would have remembered if he hadn’t said
anything. This brain fog seems a bit extreme lately even for being hypo and
sometimes it’s not just frustrating but worrisome. I really hope nothing else
is wrong as I’ve had enough shit!
A guy who was temporary and therefore
not allowed to use butterfly needles tried to get blood out from my inner elbow
with a regular needle to no avail. Then he got a really friendly black girl
named Shannon and she had no luck either with a butterfly needle. She had to
get it from my hand. She was so nice and sweet, though. She could see that I
was on the verge of tears between not feeling well and all that was going on
and she gave me a big hug as I stood up to leave. She told me she was there
five days a week and that I could request her. I’ll remember that next time I
schedule an appointment which hopefully won’t be until June unless Dr. O wants
me to go before then.
She asked me if I was spiritual and I
said, “Not really.” Then she told me that God told her to tell me I would be
okay and that she would pray for me. Even though I don’t believe any God that
may exist gives a shit about me, it was a very kind thing to say and I really
appreciated it. So I left with my “battle scars.” You could see red lines where
the tourniquet was on my upper arm as well as my wrist since they had to tie it
so tight.
They only took two tubes because this
isn’t time for blood cell counts and all that like I thought it was. That’s not
until June. I forgot whether it’s June or December since I can’t remember shit.
So we got back home and I indulged in
cholesterol and then I noticed I felt extremely fatigued. I was freezing as
hell, too. I noticed I’ve had some intense chills since getting the flu shot
and my overall feeling in my head felt almost like I had a cold or something
but now I’m pretty sure that the flu shot gave me the flu. Or at least flu
symptoms. The symptoms I have seem more like the flu rather than a cold. I
don’t have a fever but I’m extremely cold and tired.
Still getting hip pain toward the end
of my day as well, but the weather has pretty much been ruled out as a cause
since we’ve dried up again.
I slept on and off for somewhere
between 10 and 11 hours and I’m still feeling pretty out of it. I even have a
cramp-like pain in the area where my liver is located and I wonder if it’s from all
the Ibuprofen. Even my pee smelled a little strange earlier.
I’m never going to get a flu shot
again. If I’m going to feel this bad from it, then I might as well actually get
it, though it’s unlikely that I would. I know I can catch something anytime I
go out in public but I definitely regret getting this one for sure. I’m also a
bit worried about how long the symptoms have lasted. I read 24 to 48 hours
after getting the shot but now it’s been a week.
I’m just so fucking sick of
suffering. Just so fucking sick of it. Ever since we came to this house I’ve
dealt with noise unlike the noisiest of places I’ve ever lived in before,
including apartments and projects, and I’ve suffered tremendously.
I looked on Google Maps at the house
we rented for 2 years in Oregon where our lives were good for the most part and
it was just as close, if not maybe a tiny bit closer, to a cemetery than we are
here. So I don’t think that has anything to do with it but I can’t help but
wonder if there’s something else connected to the house that’s been picking on
me. I just can’t imagine what it could be if there is or why. I guess I’ll
never know until we move, assuming I survive to see that day happen. Sometimes
I really do just want to end it all and I’ve definitely been thinking about it
more and more. No one wants to live just to suffer. That’s simply no way to
live. It’s no “life.” But I’m afraid that if I don’t die soon I’ll live another
20-something years to do just that. I know it’s only a matter of time before I
come down with some new disease or condition that’s treatable but not curable.
I don’t know if I can believe the
results since wrist blood pressure cuffs aren’t as accurate, but I seem to have
high blood pressure most of the time I check, I still have that strange
bounding pulse here and there, and a whole host of other things that make life
a bitch. It’s like something up there has said, “Well, if she can’t be anxious
right now I’ll just make her feel like she has the flu.”
It’s like something really is
determined to see that I suffer. But what or who is it and why? I still don’t
know if I believe in any God or spirits but this definitely does seem to go
beyond simple bad luck that I wonder if something is planning to send me to
hell in the afterlife and this is its way of showing me that things could be
worse, as I’ve already learned since even my worst of problems in the past
doesn’t seem nearly this bad. So I wonder, is it just making things shitty here
with plans to make my existence in an afterlife shittier than the shittiest
experience a human could experience while they’re alive? Or maybe the
afterlife, if there is one, is going to be so damn good that it’s determined to
prolong my suffering as long as it can to delay my getting there. I just don’t
know what to think anymore but ending up in some kind of eternal hell that
makes these days seem heavenly is one of my worst fears.
Till then I would really love to live
somewhere where I didn’t have just a few good scattered days, I was further
from the street and one that wasn’t so busy as loud as so many vehicles are
these days, and I also wish I could go longer than an hour without hearing a
fucking plane. It’s definitely at its quietest around here between
midnight and 6am.
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