Going to do some writing before the planes get annoying. Haven’t been up in the early morning hours lately to know how they’ve been during those times, but for the last few nights, between 8 and midnight they’re annoying as hell. I think the commercials are actually worse than the small planes because the small planes are easier to drown out.

Damn, though! I can’t get any peace here day or night. I didn’t get up until noon and while I don’t think I heard any landscaping, I heard plenty of loud vehicles, including some asshole gunning his motorcycle which I could hear loud and clear over the treadmill I was on at the time, and sawing at the project junkies. I thought they were done with this latest project but I guess not. Thank God there’s no room for a garage over there because that’s something I could totally see them getting. Maybe they’ll build a patio enclosure instead.

Sure enough, when I commented on a post of Carolyn’s, she either “liked” or replied to everyone but me, so I deleted it. I’m not going to interact with those that don’t interact with me. Period. if I don’t hear from you, you don’t hear from me. Going to be tempted to lash out at Tammy and give her and her spoiled brats a true and honest piece of my mind when they blow off my birthday but I don’t want to piss them off while they know where we live. I’m almost positive they found us in Maricopa through Mary but when we leave here there isn’t going to be anyone they can go to for that information.

Jon waved to me when he was returning home and I was running down the hill in front of his place but by the time I realized who it was, he was pulling into his driveway so I didn’t wave back. I won’t delete him or Carolyn until we move. Believe me, they’ll want to delete me when I say what I have to say to Ray who will no doubt go to them about it. I just hope the old bastard is still alive when that time comes.

It was kind of funny to wake up to my first birthday message on Facebook today since it’s already my birthday in New Zealand, LOL.

Bet I can guess who won’t be wishing me a happy birthday, though. Let’s see… How about Kim, Eileen, Carolyn, Tammy and her narcissistic brats. Plus a couple of PBers. Eileen may surprise me though. On the 5th I’ll decide who to kick out.

I wonder if Jessie is aware that her son not only hates women except for one girl he calls Mary Jane but is a druggie as well. It’s obvious that his posts about “goodies” aren’t referring to chips and beer. I’m assuming he has his mother blocked from those posts, too.

The second book I bought with my credit was awesome. Brutal but chock-full of suspense. It was a book about an abused teenage girl whose parents make mine seem almost like they were saints and how she fights back and all that. Not sure if I like the last book I got because I haven’t read enough of it yet. It’s about a prim-and-proper girl who gets gang-raped and seeks revenge.

Despite the annoyances in life, I’m happy to say that I’m anxiety-free today and hopefully I won’t get super cold either. I’ve always been sensitive to cold but it seems pretty extreme even for me so I’m thinking that I’m still hypo and that’s why I sometimes feel like I’m utterly freezing no matter how much I bundle up. I put the portable heater in the master bedroom so that should help.

No bounding pulse tonight but I had that as well as a pulsing cramp at the base of my neck where it meets the chest on my left side. That went on for a few hours. While I may be in a good mood tonight, I definitely wasn’t last night but was determined not to get in one of my “whoa is me” moods and throw myself a pity party over how unfair life has been to me in the past. No, Tom could never cum and he never wanted to but how many other people would love and accept me the way he does? Yes, I went through a lot of emotional pain back when I thought I wanted a kid and he would string me along about it but he’s such a wonderful man in so many ways and I know that no human being is perfect.

I sometimes wonder if he was single when we met because of his lack of cumming and willingness to do anything about it. A lot of women back then who were in their mid-20s to mid-30s wanted marriage and kids. If he didn’t tell me about his problem upfront then he certainly didn’t tell them. It’s too bad men aren’t upfront about their sexual dysfunctions because if a woman really loves them, she’ll stick with them no matter what. I understand they may be embarrassed or may believe their problem will magically go away and work itself out on its own, but better to be upfront and find out who truly loves and accepts you rather than obtain and hang onto a woman through lies. Or at least through a lack of being upfront. I mean if you weren’t infertile, sooner or later one would make it up there, as most women probably know, but that could take years.

When I don’t feel well physically, especially when I feel anxious or down, I find myself thinking of my childhood. As shitty as it was, there are some aspects of it I sometimes miss and that were actually easier. I had to deal with my mother’s abuse, yes, but I didn’t have the kinds of fears I have now. I had things to look forward to that would be new and exciting, and well, there are just certain things about it I miss. Like how I would live more in the moment and have a sense of safety and security, however false much of it may have been.

I’m finding myself bored a lot lately. There’s never any shortage of things I could be doing, it’s just that I get tired of doing the same old things. I got bored with going through old journals to correct what were mostly small errors and realized that they weren’t meant to be perfect anyway.

Here goes the first plane so on goes my noise-canceling headphones because I’m not going to sit and listen to it every 10 to 15 minutes for 4 fucking hours. I know this is just the modern world almost everywhere but I just can’t seem to adapt to the constant sensory overload.

Wish I could get into playing “pretend.” You know, talk to someone I imagine being in the room with me like I used to do way back when. But I’m 53, not 10. So I can’t make it seem as “real.” Instead, I’d feel kind of foolish. I’ll relax in the dark and try it later maybe.