“I will remember and recover, not forgive and forget.”

Awesome meme I just shared on FB.

The girls read my message but are in ignore mode. No problem. :) Now I don’t have to worry about them coming between Tammy and I. As I would tell anyone, though, once you walk out of my life you don’t get to come back.

They really are a couple of conceited, narcissistic, selfish bitches showing their true colors. I would tell them so if it weren’t for Tammy, not that they could see, understand, accept and admit their faults. They’re very Kim. In other words, they can do no wrong and the world must revolve around them and them only at all times.

Following my discussion with Tammy, I really got to missing country living big time. I got to thinking of the reasons one of us or both of us may like Florida or not like it. I thought of the pros and cons of remaining in some type of community vs going rural, as well as cold vs warm climates. My heart is in the country but my reality is the city, like it or not.

The climate I really want to live in is Hawaii but there’s no way we could ever afford that. Remaining in the city is definitely more convenient but damn do I get sick of the constant noise, used to it or not. I miss the peace, space and open skies.

It’s quiet now but at 1 a.m. I was hearing a symphony of sirens, helicopters and small planes. Anything could erupt at any minute. It just gets so old. I have never lived anywhere this noisy. Ever. I used to think Jesse’s mutts were absolutely horrible and while they were definitely plenty bad enough in themselves, I would take that back over this shit in a heartbeat because that would be simple enough to drown out with sound machines. I just miss having to deal with one or two sources of noise instead of a million.

I wish there was a way to know in advance how we might like or not like any particular climate or place but there’s no way to know this. I only know for sure that I would hate to be back in a climate like Klamath Falls or smack dab in the middle of Los Angeles or New York City.

We’ve really got to choose where we settle wisely because I don’t know that we could afford to get back out. Tammy and Mark are going to have a lot more money than we’ll have. That’s the impression I get anyway.

I do worry about the humidity and the bugs and possibly losing our place to a hurricane. I also wonder just how often thunderstorms may wake me up when I have issues sleeping so much of the time as it is. Motorcycles are even worse of a problem there than here and I have a feeling loud car stereos would be as well.

But maybe we would just love it so much in Florida that we wouldn’t mind the humidity and the bugs because we would always have AC and we could really bomb the place well. We just can’t know.

If after a few years of living in Ohio, Tammy loved it as much as she’s sure she’s going to - remember, life isn’t usually what we plan it to be as Florida showed her and Cali showed me - even if we could afford to get our own place on an acre or two, assuming that land wouldn’t be left and its natural state, Tom would have to mow the grass or whatever was around the place and I know he would hate that. I don’t think we could afford to hire anyone like they’re likely going to for their place.

I like that you could still have high-speed internet and not have to drive nearly an hour to civilization for shopping and things like that but I just don’t know if we should consider rural in any climate.

I also don’t know that I would like living so close to Tammy. Would she bug us a lot? Or no? There’s no way to know without actually living near her.

I just hate the fact that it’s basically a toss of a coin wherever we go. We’re either going to be happy there or not. It may not be 100% perfect and it may not be 100% bad but we can’t know what side of the coin will be leaning on until we get there and experience it. Also, things change. Tammy started off happy in her park until things went downhill. I can relate! Every single place I’ve ever lived in got progressively noisy whether it started off just a little noisy or more than just a little.

I can just imagine what our mother would say if the bitch was still alive. “I told you. I told you both to stay in the country.”

I remember before she died telling her that we were looking into an adult community and expected her to say something like, “Oh, good for you.” Instead, I was first greeted with silence. A disapproving kind of silence. Then, “I don’t think that’s right for you.”

Yeah, bitch, you were right on that one. But it’s what’s feasible for an aging couple that isn’t very sociable with people regularly looking in on us or that we could just dial up if we needed anything.

I love summer because I prefer to be sleeveless and barefoot but it also makes sleeping and working out hard.

If we were in a colder climate, working out and sleeping would be easier and it would likely make things quieter as well. But then it’d be back to long sleeves, bulky robes, coats, scarves, slippers, socks, etc.

So I see the potential good and bad in all the various possibilities.

I warned Tammy that excessive barking and loose dogs have always been an issue in rural areas for us but she’s sure they won’t be an issue there. People do tend to see dogs as pets in the east rather than live outdoor decor that you have to provide food and water for, but still, I know how noise-cursed I am in general. The house closest to us would leave the barking mutts outside round the clock. They would have the wild kids out screaming and maybe sometimes coming onto our land. We would get the neighbor with the loud car stereo and if I could hear music and dogs on a 10-acre parcel, we’d certainly hear it on a smaller parcel. Sounds travel, especially out in the country, and car stereos travel nearly half a mile no matter where you are. Plus, you have hunters and dirt bikes.

So as much as I yearn for the country so much of the time, this is what I’m used to and this is where I’ll stay. We’ll move to Florida and we’ll either like it or we won’t, and just like with this place, we’ll deal with whatever we don’t like. There is no perfect place and if there’s anyplace close, I’m not meant to be in it.

I also told myself that if I went to a place like Ohio, I would have to spend so much of the time cooped up indoors if it was cold and rainy a lot of the time but then we would probably be cooped up in Florida as well due to the heat and humidity. It’s not like we would spend all day at the pool or the beach anyway. So it does seem that all climates and whether or not you’re in the country or the city definitely have their pros and cons.

Later…

Coincidentally or not, the commercial planes have been quiet since I complained. Guess they’re back in north flow and hopefully they’ll stay that way for a while.

St. Martins. That was the country Tammy was considering. I knew she had told me about a year ago but couldn’t remember which country until I asked her yesterday. They decided against it, though, because it would be just as humid there. I pointed out that summers in Ohio would be humid too, but as she said it would only be for a few months a year and not seven or eight months like in Florida.

When Alexa told me the temperature would only be two degrees warmer at 8 as opposed to just after 3 when Tom was up and available to go walking with me, I suggested we go then because that way I wouldn’t have to deal with loud landscaping, traffic, dog walkers and all the other shit you get in the daytime here. Well, it’s a good thing I suggested we go then because he had scheduled the car to charge at a certain time and it didn’t because he screwed up the scheduling. He’s using an app now that is better and found a nearby charging station for if the charging cord were to crap out before we get a backup.

We took the car to a car wash on Sunday but not the kind you drive through. You do it yourself with high-power hoses and dryers and it’s open 24 hours a day.

We went to Rite Aid as well where I decided to try Barefoot Pinot Grigio and their Chardonnay. Not much difference really. For the most part, wine is wine. But I do prefer Rosé and Merlot. Picked up a case of Strawberita as well. Yes, I could do without it, but I do like those end-of-the-day drinks when I go to wind down.

OJ will never be the same again without caramel Vodka added to it. That much I can say for sure! My homemade caramel screwdrivers are divine.

Kind of funny how I’ve gone from almost never drinking to drinking nearly every day but I guess everyone has their vice and it’s only one drink. It used to be coffee and tea but now I don’t have much of that, especially in warmer weather.

It’s not going to be that warm today. It’s only to get to 70° and all the way down to 47° tonight which sucks. It’s pretty windy out there now, too. At least it’s better for sleeping and exercise.

I called to make an appointment with a new shrink and at first I was given one for the first. But not only do we not want to drive all the way to South Sacramento, the guy, who seems to have recently come from Michigan, is Indian. Nothing against them but I’m tired of having to deal with hard-to-understand accents. He also has a couple of negative reviews but I realize every doctor is going to get at least a few because no one can please everybody. Hell, Dr. O has some negative reviews about the way she can come off as condescending, bitchy and stern. They’re right, though, LOL, even though the last couple of times I saw her she was very nice and she’s a great doctor.

Anyway, I was able to keep my appointment with the lady shrink in late September but hopefully by then I’ll be breaking records with the anxiety and just a couple of weeks from being officially menopausal. Really don’t think medication is the answer right now or that it will do me much good with the way benzos stop working and SSRIs make me want to kill myself.

Yesterday marks 3 weeks without anxiety on the lower dose but the real test won’t begin until and if I can surpass 8 weeks. If I can stay calm that long, that will be a bit encouraging but I really have to get past 4 months in order to really start seeing a serious ray of hope. I can definitely say that my overall mood has improved tremendously.

The rats and pigs were out for a little over a half-hour. Blitz seems less bothered by the rats than Rockefeller. The pigs are spit bath whores and want to clean everyone and anything they can. But apparently, Rockefeller doesn’t appreciate being given a bath so he sometimes bonks them with his nose or kicks at them which in turn starts the rats’ sideling show. LOL, yeah, the pigs are kickboxers and the rats are sidelingers. So after a few bonks, kicks and then finally the teeth chattering, I pulled Rockefeller out and left just Blitz to hang with Fuzzy and Woody. I can tell the rats aren’t afraid of the pigs or else they would avoid them. But Rockefeller can definitely do without them.

Didn’t hear the loud car while I was up but as I was going to bed and turned on the sound machine I did hear some loud things going by but I can’t say for sure what they were. I may never live anyplace too peaceful but OMG, get me off of this busy street and just let me be able to sleep without earbuds hissing white noise at me. Well, I think this one is brown noise but still…

I’m pleased to hear that they’re hoping to eliminate the bail system here in California. As he and I both agree, this shouldn’t be allowed because this only gives rich people a chance to get a break that others can’t and that’s definitely not fair. There’s already enough unfairness in the legal system as it is.

What I also think they should start doing is paying back those found innocent who have done time. After I was vindicated, I received zero compensation. How fucking fair is that?

Loud car just came roaring in at 6:30 AM. Okay, I’m calling the office when they open. I’ve had enough!

Wished Christiane a happy birthday yesterday and she thanked me. How much you want to bet she won’t remember my birthday?

Being on opposite schedules, I haven’t heard much from Aly. I’m hoping she’s been feeling okay and that everything’s been better on the home front. So many blacks are such thugs that they really ruin it for the few good ones who are hard-working and law-abiding.