Had a horrible, HORRIBLE night last night that it was almost scary. Just horrible anxiety that started early on and wouldn’t let up till the end of my day. It’s really pathetic that no doctor has been able to help stop this shit yet.

Here’s my plan… 6 weeks of 50s if I can stand it. If I’m still getting anxious come mid-May, I quit. If I’m still not better and the shrink can’t help, I’m gone on New Year’s. Enough is eFUCKINGnuff!!!

sighs with sadness, frustration and hopelessness If I just didn’t have this problem then my worst problems besides TMJ and LS would be cold, noise and occasional boredom. Oh, how I miss my old self! I want to go back! I want to go back in time so bad!

I always said the worst things would be being paralyzed or blind but I don’t know about that anymore. If I felt good while being confined to a wheelchair or feeling my way around, that may be the better deal. Having anxiety is like being thrown at random in a human-sized dryer and tortured on and off by viciously being tumbled round and round. You never know when you’re going to get thrown in that dryer or when you can get back out. It’s a shitty way to live!

But here’s the thing…a half-hour after taking my meds yesterday, I became anxious. So naturally one would blame the meds, right? Well, I took it today too, and I’m perfectly fine. I just don’t know what to think anymore. How is it that less than 24 hours ago I felt so miserable and wanted to kill myself whereas now I wouldn’t even know I had this problem if I didn’t know better? Tom still believes it’s mostly hormone-related rather than autoimmune and that it will eventually pass. Wish I could have his optimism but right now I have no reason not to think I’ll be tortured on and off for as long as I let myself live. I guess for now all I can do is enjoy the days when I’m not being attacked and tortured mercilessly by this shit. I’d forgotten about my full-spectrum light so I’m using that again when I’m on nights since I’m not getting much sun and hoping it will help keep me from feeling so bad at night.

I definitely seem to be worse when I’m on nights. It used to not matter but now there is a definite pattern. I’m also back to sleeping shitty but not because of traffic. I just seem to wake up a lot more often when I sleep during the daytime. Sometimes it’s to pee, sometimes it’s just because. I usually am able to go back to sleep, though.

I’m a little tired today but not too bad. I managed to let Fuzzy out for some exercise and change the pigs’ liner and things like that. Looking so forward to their new cage tomorrow!

Just when I thought they’d be stuck at the gate, then leave, someone let them in. The $21 set of rainbow silverware we ordered before he went to work this morning is AWESOME!!! If it holds up well over time I may get a 2nd set and replace all the plain silverware. It’s absolutely beautiful!

Had to watch another video on how to use the corkscrew we got. It’s a bit tricky and I’m not sure it’s worth it. Would rather pay a few more bucks for twist-off tops. Not sure I would notice the brand change if you gave me a glass of Barefoot Merlot and then Oak Leaf’s Merlot.

One of the Indian dolls I got centuries ago came with a decorative “blanket” which I put on top of the fish tank so he doesn’t always have to have bright lights shining down on him since I’ll probably start using my living room desk at night. Gives me variety and more time with the animals. Easier to jump on the treadmill, too.

Saw a fairly recent picture of Gloria, and gross! Just gross. I know I don’t look much better but she has definitely aged. She’s not as bad as Linda but she’s a lot like me.

Her daughter Emily is gay and her parents don’t seem to have a problem with it, which is nice to know. Emily isn’t as good-looking as her mom was but she’s pleasant enough. I would never think she and her girlfriend were gay. They both have long hair.