Skimmed through the end of 2017 again, and while it’s true that I had no major anxiety at the end of the year, I did have half a dozen or so borderline days. As exhausted as I have been (although today I have more energy than I’ve had in several days), I’m going to keep going with the lower dose. We know it’s not the meds themselves, but this is the only way I can find out if it’s the dose or not. Assuming I’ll get anxious again sooner or later, that’s when I’ll return to 75s and hope it’s just hormonal and not a permanent condition I’ve been hit with. As much as I’ve been dying to find a solution for years now, I almost don’t want it to be the dosage since 50s is too low for me. Sure would be the simplest solution, though. Only time will tell for sure either way. Do I think it’s the dose? Well, my problems didn’t start till after it was raised, so that makes me think it could be. But nothing’s that easy for me either, so I doubt it is.

The loud car visited Wednesday and Thursday but not today. Disappointed but not surprised. This kid’s incredibly glued to his enabling parents that I knew something had to have happened to keep him away for the time he wasn’t coming around and that it was beyond his control. If it were up to him he’d still be living here, probably for the rest of his parents’ lives. Wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if he shared a dumpy apartment with a few people and they were paying his expenses.

When I was coming back from my jog down to the lake and back, I noticed something big parked 4 houses down in the back. Some guy’s having a bunch of plants butchered. Thought I’d hear at least something even though it’s behind the houses but haven’t heard much yet. It’s going to be maddening when Lawrence has the front of his place done. I just hope I’m awake!

When are the bulk collectors going to pick up the trash? They were supposed to do this on the 10th.

Half of the regular trash got stuck and didn’t make it out. :( I caught the guy on the way back out and tossed in a bunch of plastic wrapping that came with the cage but there’s still enough other shit in the bin.

I think I will go with bedding for the pigs, after all. It’s just so much easier to deal with and the 4 of them are enough work as it is. I can take a bale and use about half of it to fill the whole cage. Then I can use up the rest of the bail doing partials which basically means replacing the ends of the cage. This will mean going through a bale every 2 weeks rather than 1.

It was cute watching Fuzzy try to get in the pigs’ cage. They were all nose to nose between the bars of the cage and the pigs weren’t distressed. That would change, of course, if I let Fuzzy in there.

Aly and I have been getting some questions from some people which we’re wondering the identity of. Apparently, I’m not the only one agreeing that while she may be great as a nanny, it may be too much for her to care for a child every single day. Still, I support her as her friend.

I’m not getting any shit, but I’m getting questions from someone that seems to know me or at least thinks they know me fairly well enough. I can only guess it’s someone on PB. These are questions that don’t seem like Kim would ask any more than family and former friends would ask. If Aly’s telling the truth about not asking me about fruity soda versus fruity water because they didn’t think I was a soda drinker, I can’t help but wonder who didn’t think I was. To say they didn’t think I was suggests they know at least some things about me.

You know, when I really sit and think about just how fucked up people are in general, it’s scary. I mean it’s downright scary. People are just so fucking cruel and crazy that it can be truly frightening to know that I have to live in a world like this every day.

Now Ohio has practically banned abortion and I’m just so sad for women in general because as unconstitutional as this is, I really do see at least most of the U.S. banning abortion eventually despite the fact that it’s not even murder and most of society seems to think a woman should focus only on careers and not family rather than being able to make up her own damn mind as to how she wants to live her own life.

Then Texas is supposedly proposing a bill making women who seek abortions eligible for the death penalty.

Reels with shock and confusion So let me get this straight…because you’re so pro-life and living and all that crap, you want to kill her instead or kill her as well? rolls eyes Only a state as fucked as Texas would come up with something this crazy but you know what? What really scares me is that the world and the laws are so damn crazy that it wouldn’t surprise me if one of these days something that insane really did come into effect.

Kill your fetus and we’ll make it a supposed double homicide by killing you too. Brilliant. Yeah, that’s the world I gotta live in.

Also, watching true crime docs never ceases to sicken and amaze me how sexual predators are released to do the same thing over and over again. Show me a case where this only happened once and these perverts didn’t re-offend once they were let go. Show me. Seriously, I’m 100% completely baffled as to why sex offenders aren’t either killed or locked up forever. They absolutely cannot be rehabilitated or changed any more than you can make straights gay or gays straight.

But people want to kill those who want to abort their unwanted fetuses? Really, what the fuck is wrong with people? Just what the fuck is wrong with this world that’s got so many things so twisted and backward? Kill the woman that dares to decide her own fate, but free the rapist?

OMG, I am never having sugar-free candy again! If I hadn’t lost my fucking memory I would have remembered just what it did to my stomach the last time I had it.

Tom figured out why Suki’s leg was all screwed up. One of her knees was bent in the wrong direction. I have no idea how it got that way but he realized that it wasn’t that they put a rotating joint in the knee but that it was the thigh joint that was twisted. Duh! Why didn’t I think of this myself?

Definitely ready for the weekend. Getting rid of the Caddy and going to some stores. Plus, we’re going to do some minor home repairs.

I had a couple of dreams about Kathleen and I wonder if it means I crossed her mind or she might actually call, but I would be willing to bet just about anything that I’ll never hear from her again. She’s had plenty of opportunities to contact me in the past yet she’s clearly not interested in being friends. She also never gave me her contact info when she asked for mine.

Regardless, I don’t remember what one of the dreams was about but in the other dream, I ran into her somewhere. She gave me a hug and then whispered something in my ear. At first I didn’t hear her and I had her repeat herself.

“Do you ever dream of me?” she asked.

“As a matter of fact, yes,” I said. “You were in my dreams last night.”

Then I had a dream that Nane might have been in. She had just come home from work. I don’t know what I was doing in her place but I said I would leave because I figured she would want to unwind alone and she said she didn’t want or need that or something to that effect.

In the last dream, I was in my forties and Tom and I were considering having me artificially inseminated.

But then we decided that since my body and health just isn’t what it used to be, we might foster an older child.

Tom said something about that being a possibility in 10 years and I said, “That’s what I was thinking. Someone who will be young enough to take care of us in the end if we need it.”

But then we scrapped that idea as well when we realized that in another decade we would both be getting kind of old. LOL