Today was the second day in a row that I had good energy and no lightheadedness. This could either mean that the lower dose had nothing to do with the fatigue I was having or my body has adapted to the lower dose. No way to say for sure which one is the case. I’m just glad I feel better and have more energy so I can do things!

Tom and I went on a quick walk after work. When I was in the worst of the perimenopause I couldn’t stand to be in the direct sunlight even if it wasn’t that hot. Yet I walked and jogged in 60-degree weather and bright sunlight and was fine even though I wouldn’t want to do it for a long time. I have a feeling it would be harder on a higher dose. This medication definitely does seem to make you sensitive to heat the more you take it.

Today’s smoothie was made with one banana, half a cup of milk, and a quarter cup of granola. It was yummy!

Been thinking about how so much of life usually isn’t what we plan it to be, after discussing this with Aly. There are a few things I planned, wanted, hoped and tried for that I ended up being glad I never achieved. Back when I was really into singing, had I made it big I would have loved the fortune but hated the fame. Had I had a child as I considered for a while, I would have hated the chaos and lack of freedom. I’m also glad I didn’t get my so-called dream woman because she was always just that…a dream. No one can replace or compare to Tom, anyway.

But there are still some things I wish I could do that I know I never will. I miss so much of the old me. I don’t miss the naive, immature, emotional side of me, but I miss a lot of my old physical aspects. I want to wake up with perfect vision and stay that way. I want a normal metabolism so the choice of whether or not to keep the extra weight or lose it could at least be up to me. I miss my old libido. I miss not having to dye my hair. I miss my old skin. Hell, I even miss my old bladder and dread the day it starts leaking!

I wish we could move to Maui and into a quiet place that we could never afford and that doesn’t even exist since it’s pretty much noisy everywhere unless you’re out in the middle of the Arctic or something like that.

Everyone was alive again in my dreams last night from my grandparents to my parents to my brother to Jim Rome. In the dream where my parents were alive, I went over to their house with Fuzzy. Only dad was home at the time and I let Fuzzy run around loose. Dad was saying Mom would freak out when she got home and I said, “Maybe she’ll like him when she sees the cute things he does.”

Then I was talking to Jim and it seemed that my parents and Charlotte were dead. We had a pleasant and intelligent conversation about life in general. He sat in a plush chair, disabled for the most part. I think he said he had muscular dystrophy. He was very easygoing and nice to chat with and I said it was a bit hard to believe he was friends with my mom since he was so nice and mellow and my mother could be a controlling bitch.

The subject of my studying languages came up and he seemed surprised about it. At first, I was surprised no one mentioned this since it was so much a part of my life and my interests but then I realized that my mom wasn’t usually in the habit of discussing my interests with others unless it was something she herself could relate to.

Then a younger woman came to join us in our discussion and was talking about her job. She and Jim were laughing about her interesting job title, but I don’t remember what it was.

Then I walked out of my grandparents’ living room and into their garage. The garage door was open and I stepped out into the rain and walked down to my parents’ house. I didn’t see them or Tammy in the dream but I knew my brother was asleep in one of the bedrooms. I was carrying a pizza box down the hallway when I spotted a spider on his door. I crushed it with the box, careful not to wake him.

Then I was holding an old 45 in the shape of a cutout of a woman in a fancy dress. The entire image was overlaid in an orangy pink color. I thought about how I didn’t really like the song on it very much and wondered why I bothered to buy it.

Then I was tiptoeing through a rocky river. Larry might have been in that dream.

Lastly, I was in some kind of dance or aerobics class. A younger girl there had a sports bra and shorts on. The front part of the shorts was nothing but a thin mesh and you could easily see the front of her bikini panties through it, something a friend of hers was quick to point out.

Happy 38th birthday to Aly! Hope she has a good one (on the 17th), though I’m not liking the fact that she’s been “spying” on me. Just what is it she’s looking for? To compare what I share with others with what I share with her? To see my comments? Why is she so curious about me anyway? Unless it’s a site I don’t tell her about, I pretty much can’t write anywhere else and get some privacy from those I actually know, which I’d kind of prefer every once in a while so I can be a bit more open. The more I share with strangers, the less I have to worry about hurting people’s feelings. In general, I don’t give a shit about people’s feelings, but I don’t want to unnecessarily offend any of my friends so that’s why I try to keep things separate since I sometimes include things they wouldn’t like or agree with. But she makes this a little hard to do when she’s peeking in on me here, there and everywhere.