All he has to do is say he signed it. They can’t prove otherwise. This is what Tom said to tell Andy if they questioned him about that form on which I signed his name as a witness. All Tom has to do is say he isn’t punishing me or teasing me or trying to instill patience in me as far as the kid goes, and I can’t prove differently. All I can do is suspect. God, I hope I’m wrong, though!

This is what I think of the whole situation from beginning to end at this time. I think some of his feelings have remained and some of his feelings have changed. It’s a similar situation between how he thought I’d be a lousy wife, then saw that I wasn’t.

I think that in the beginning, he didn’t want to be a father, but never hated kids and would’ve taken it if it had come. Then, he decided he liked the idea but had no intentions of taking chances with making a kid till last July, even though he’s told me differently over the last few years or so. Positioning still may have been a big factor in his problem as well as other things going on in life. So, as of July, he probably said to himself, OK, having a kid now would be fine, but if I can help it, I’m gonna stall it for around 6 months to a year to tease her and to instill patience in her. How much do you want to bet that if he gets off after my period which I’m due for next Friday, he’ll conveniently do it at the wrong times? Yes, I really think he does want a kid but isn't that serious about it. He said we have no reason to wait, money’s no problem, but who knows what’s truly going through his mind? Even he said I can’t ever know what’s on his mind. Maybe he doesn’t have all this faith in me as a mother that he claims to have. Maybe he worries deep down or subconsciously, whether he knows it or not, about the same things I worry about, like handling the pregnancy, the labor/delivery, dealing with it, etc.

Anyway, right now, this is what I fully believe. I believe that if he’s serious and really wants the kid as bad as he says, he’s not gonna step up the action towards making one till right after Evie has hers. That’ll be around March. On the other hand, maybe he’s more serious than I think what with the way he’s been working on the cigarette machine which is ready for testing tomorrow. And of how we’re suddenly getting into cooking to save money.

I asked Tom if the spots I had were a sure sign that I was not sterile, or if he thinks that a woman can still do that and be sterile. He said that he doubts I’m sterile, but we can never know for sure either way. I still feel so teased by God, regardless of what’s on Tom’s mind or what the case is with my plumbing. Enough is enough already, but I knew it. I knew that if he ever came, the next step would be to really deal with and face the fact of sterility. God just had to tease me those years, even though I figured on sure sterility, but here’s where it gets really real. It’s just like with the woman. I had the gut feeling for so many years that she wasn’t meant to be. I knew she wasn’t meant to be, but then I really knew she wasn’t meant to be. The question is am I ever gonna be OK with a kid being not meant to be as I’ve come to be OK with the woman being not meant to be?

I’m just so afraid that I’ll be in for a long life of GYN problems, sterility, and feelings of being cheated, cursed, angry, bitter, sad, frustrated, and incomplete. This must be what they mean when they talk about “restless spirits.” They feel incomplete and like they lived and then left the world with unfinished business. Well, maybe there is such a thing as heaven or reincarnation. I guess none of us can know till we’re dead, although I doubt God would send me to heaven if there were a heaven and a hell. Maybe I’ll be reincarnated as a woman, once again, and have no problems getting pregnant. Hey, I may even come back as one of these pregnant 14-year-olds. I don’t have to finish the music or the woman issue, as there’s a difference between something that’s ended and something that’s ended, but that isn’t finished. Maybe if I can’t finish unfinished business and dreams here, there will be a place elsewhere to do so.

If only I could know what I’m doing now to piss God off so much and make him hate me and if I’ve done anything in the past that struck bad chords within him, can’t he forgive me? The guy forgives murderers, so why not me? I’m not perfect, but why is it that I’ve had to be treated like I may as well have been a mass murderer for most of my life? If I had taken someone’s life, then I could see this as a perfectly justified punishment. But since he still blesses those who do kill with kids, what could I have done that’s worse than that?

I had another baby dream last night, but I don’t remember it.

Perhaps I made a mistake by writing in the note I left him, thanking him for cheering me up, that I was gonna get pregnant next month. He hates demands and he’s gonna take that as a demand and all the more he’ll veer the other way and make sure we don’t hit it right. As far as the kid is concerned, I feel like if I say I’m gonna get pregnant with certainty, he’s got to make sure I don’t to show me I can never know something for sure. If I say I can’t with certainty, he still has to make sure that I don’t to try to send a message saying - if I’m gonna say negative results will happen, they will. It’s just like that time, what was it, about a year ago? Anyway, there was a time, which I know I wrote about, where I said I was gonna do anything I could to get pregnant. Then he said, “So what are you going to do? Run out and cheat on me?” He knew he wasn’t ready to cum then. At least that’s what I believe. Well, if he just puts all the honest effort into trying to hit it right and make this kid he says he wants as bad as I do, then unless I’m sterile for sure, as I believe, the past is done and over with in my book.

Later...

I’m watching a movie now. It’s OK so far. No one’s having a baby in this movie, so that’s nice for a change.

After reading back in here and reviewing things Tom’s said lately, I could almost bet all these journals on the fact he’s not too happy with me lately and he’s gonna have me pay for it. The kid’s called off for now and I would bet my life and even his that he won’t come near me 14 days after this next period. It’s really a shame, though, that “teaching me a lesson” is more important than our dream. If I’m sterile, that’s not our fault, but I don’t think Tom’s been putting in a fraction of the effort I know he’s capable of.

He went down on me earlier which was great. At least there’s something we do in bed that’s virtually problem-free.

This movie’s getting worse by the minute and so is my handwriting.

Anyway, I’m almost sure we’ll be screwing in the morning (as long as we’re positioned right and as long as he’s not hurting in some way) but I doubt he’ll cum. Actually, he just might, though. You can’t get pregnant one week before your period.

Later...

I read an ironic familiarity in my John Saul book. A woman’s newborn was stolen and she had dreams of him, so she knew he wasn’t dead. Then she went on to say how she’d have dream premonitions and had a dream constantly where she was older, with lots of kids.

Maybe there’s some way that I’ve never realized that would change God’s mind. I just hope my hubby here doesn’t renege on our deal. Our agreement is to have more sex. I don’t know, though. His tone earlier when he said we were just gonna have sex for fun for a while and if I get pregnant, fine - tells me something. It’s as if he may have said, “You really annoy and frustrate me lately with the things you say. Therefore, I’m gonna make you wait longer to punish and tease you.”

Can I really be all wrong about him? Can I just be paranoid? I wish, but somehow, I strongly doubt it. You see, a lot of my vibes/premonitions are still quite accurate. I know I’ll never have a child. I wonder, though, will God tease me far worse than he already has? Will he allow me to conceive, then just as I find out I’m pregnant for sure, will he take it away?

Nah - I doubt God would ever even give me the honor of ever at least finding out I was pregnant in the first place, let alone have it. And have it vaginally.

Later...

Tom just got up. I’m getting tired, but if want any fun before bed, I have to wait a whole damn hour, maybe more, before we do.

I was playing Nintendo games. I’m still the same with the car racing, but my shooting ability has dwindled a bit as far as the duck hunt goes.

I remembered another thing in John Saul’s book. This teenage girl tried to kill herself. Then she moved and began to see a boy whose parents heard about her. So the parents fought over whether or not the boy should see her and they never even met her. Yeah, I can only imagine all the parents I never met back in Longmeadow who must’ve fought over me. Before, during, and after my first suicide attempt.