Tom’s up now with a bad stomach. Serves him right for waking me up with his snoring! Only kidding. If we always slept at the same time, though, I can just imagine how often he’d wake me up as he constantly snores and talks in his sleep.

I used to think 0-10% of him wants a kid. Now I believe 90-100% of him wants a kid. However, I still wonder if there’s a part of him that likes to tease me. What if he wants to have a little time to tease me before making a more serious move to try to get me pregnant? What if he knew all along this October thing was bull, just to tease me and get off by my reaction?

Yesterday we tried to screw in missionary position, but we got all misaligned. Then I told him I knew this would happen cuz I dreamt about it the previous night. Then he told me that if I have a preconceived notion that I won’t get pregnant or that there’d be problems with sex, I could subconsciously make this the case for sure. I wonder if he’ll use this as an excuse to stall October from producing anything.

I asked him if he could go down on me, as long as he didn’t think that was unfair. He said he thought it was a little unfair, but that he would. Then I was gonna stop him due to feeling guilty, but he was like, “Don’t worry, let me go down on you, it’s in your nature to feel guilty, anyway.”

I wonder if he’ll use the guilt thing, the dream, and his saying, “If we can’t get together, we can’t make the baby,” as an excuse for anything.

I can’t even remember, now, the last time he came, and even though he swears that now both our bodies are ready to make a baby, I can’t really know for sure what’s on his mind. All I can do is go by what God’s rules and plans are for me and that’s no kid, no matter what.

Later...

I’m sorry I haven’t been so consistent with writing down stuff that’s been going on, my thoughts, or my feelings. Anyway, not all that much has been going on, but here are the highlights. I’ve got all my journals prepped for the changeover and now I’m proofreading them. I’m up to 32, but of course, there are about 10-15 of them that aren’t there due to them being letters or whatever. It is a very time-consuming and tiresome project, but it gives me something more to do. Tom tried to write a macro for capping words that begin paragraphs, but he’s had no luck with that so far.

With the things that I’ve got to update on, let’s start with next door. Yup, they’re up to their old shit again, but I haven’t heard it cuz of how my schedule is at the moment. Tom reports that this week they’ve come blasting in between 8:30-9:00 PM while I was sleeping.

About two nights ago at 6:30, I thought I woke up to their music, but Tom says it wasn’t them and that they’ve been coming in consistently between 8:30-9:00. I hope he was telling the truth.

I have noticed, though, that they do seem to be coming in later, but that’s good and I hope it stays this way. If they were to come in at 3:00 or 4:00 in the afternoon, then there’d be plenty of time to party hearty.

Tom says he doesn’t believe my subconscious will stop me from getting pregnant, but that this will be a good test, now that I know that he’s up to the same old shit and not being a good freeloader, to see if my subconscious has me listening for them in my sleep or being woken up by them. If they wake me up, well, unfortunately, I made a promise to Tom that I wouldn’t go over there and hurt them. I must stick to this promise, but if they woke me up, oh how I’d love to go over there! If I went over there, they’d never ever play their music at a volume that anyone else could hear, cuz they’d be too scared to. As long as the little fuck doesn’t have a gun (but he might for all I know), I could scare the shit out of him so bad that not only would he turn his music down and keep it down, but he wouldn’t file charges against me, either. Tom says it’s only for 10 seconds, but I don’t give a fuck cuz it’d only take 1 second to wake me up if it was louder than the fan.

Does this guy like it or something when I ask him to turn the music down? Well, obviously so, cuz not only does he not give a shit after about a month, it does seem that he likes to be asked to turn the fucking thing down.

What with all the holidays coming up, it’s gonna be a fucking nightmare over there. I’m so fucking pissed! The anxiety’s right back again and I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if I did get woken up. If someone can’t sleep in a house with a fan blaring, that spells out c-u-r-s-e to me. Why God? What did I do?

Anyway, when they go off when they’re coming home and on holidays, and when they wake me up, I’ve got to just grin and bear it and just say, “Oh well. That’s just city life for you.” Tom just cannot deal with me bitching about other people’s noise. This has been the way it’s always been and he’s admitted to me that my bitching and worrying about the neighbors stresses him out. He says I’m not to blame for what stresses him out, but this doesn’t make me feel like I can talk to my husband about “anything” that bothers me or pisses me off.

The shithead left quietly in the mornings. In fact, I just heard him leave as I was in the music room and he played no music at all, but I think that’s only cuz it was early in the morning. He’s been working 12-14 hours a day and while this boy may be just that - a young kiddy boy, how long can he keep up the heavy work schedule? The longer the better.

Well, most of me still hopes they don’t move since they are hardly ever home, have only woken me up twice in the approximately 8 months they’ve been there, they don’t have a dog, 99% of the time I never hear the kid and they’ve only had about 6 outbursts with company/parties. Like I said, though, this is all subject to change due to lots of holidays coming up over the next 4 months. I’d assume the parties will be more frequent and so will the bass. I guess it’s better than a bunch of loud Mormons who are always home, but maybe not cuz I’d take kids over that vibrating bass anytime, cuz I can sleep during the kid’s ruckus with the fan on. If the kids were inside of this house, that’d be different.

I hope Tom makes it through work today and that his stomach gets better.

He still swears upon my conceiving this month and I can honestly say that 90% of me believes he’s sincere and the other 10% believes he may just be saying it to cheer me up or as a teasing joke. If he were really teasing, though, I suppose he’d wait till after Evie had her kid, so that could be rubbed in my face. If there’s anything I don’t like about seeing Ma, it’s that I have to hear all about Nickolena but we all have a right to freedom of speech, even if my parents don’t think so.

Well, it is October and whether or not he stops cumming for a while or forever and whether or not he believes full-heartedly what he says he does, I’m sure there’ll be all kinds of things that’ll break down this month and all kinds of people needing him to fix that and fix this. Or we’ll get sick or tired. Maybe the devil’s intending to use next door to distract us and butt into our lives by having me woken up, so I’m tired and cranky and too out of it for sex. It takes a lot, though, for me to be too out of it for sex and sex tends to make me feel better when I’m not feeling too well for whatever reason.

Yesterday I threw some old journal sheets into NPN envelopes and all the while I kept telling myself, "You know you’re gonna get punished for this. You’re an exception to the rule."

Perhaps that’s why Tom’s snoring woke me.

My wisdom teeth which have been bothering me for about a week are much, much better. And yes, I do believe now that it’s been one or both of my wisdom teeth that’s been bugging me. Not my ear. It’ll be a problem again in about a month. It always is.

I called Tammy yesterday just to say hi and she started off with, “Well, obviously you haven’t talked to Mom and Dad,” then she told me Becky had to have both knees operated on due to the return of that rheumatoid arthritis she’s had since she was little.

Later...

I just talked to Tammy who says Becky’s stable, but they don’t know what the future holds for her. I hope all goes well, but if I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again - her family is cursed! For sure.

Before, she told me Lisa was premature due to stress, but now she says it’s cuz the guy she had Lisa with kicked her in the stomach. Yeah, that’s a common male practice. Tom says, though, that he’s never heard any report that said you can have a miscarriage or a premature baby due to stress.

It annoyed me the way Tammy said, “Obviously you haven’t talked to Mom and Dad.” We have our conflicting views about Mom and Dad and that’s that. I’m not gonna deal with her pushing me to do as she wishes, any more than I will for Mom and Dad. Why is it that Tammy and my parents think it’s OK for them to be repetitious and pushy, but not for anyone else? If I have to end up dumping Tammy for any reason, I will. My reasons for not talking to my parents go beyond the fact that they hurt me. It’s also a case of me just not feeling like talking to them. There’s nothing to say.

Speaking of dumping people, self-respect, and related subjects, as I’ve read back in some of my journals, I’m really embarrassed and very ashamed of myself for two things.

First of all, I feel more so than ever like a stupid and naïve fool for ever believing in God. The more I think about things, my life in general, and the world in general, I’ve come to believe that God is no less of a myth than Santa Claus. Just something that people have wanted to believe in to use as a survival mechanism. What I believe exists more and more, besides spirits, is a devil of some kind up there. There’s just way too much more bad and unfair in this world than good for me to believe in God and not the devil. I believe that good things in this world come from the people involved themselves and that the evil in this world is the devil’s influence, despite the fact that we’re all responsible for our own actions. I think the devil mainly targets women, Jews and minorities.

This other thing I realized that embarrasses me way the hell more is how nice I was to people who shit on me. How could I have ever been dumb enough in the first place to become friends with such people like Fran, Nervous, Bob, Ellie and others? Why did it take Fran shitting on me so many times till I dumped him? Along with lots of smaller incidents, there was the time Fran called my mother and bullshitted her about my calls to him when he was calling me. But did I dump him, even if couldn’t have cared less of my parent’s opinion? No. Then there was the time he tried dragging me into court when he was the one calling me, and even his social worker said he’d charge people with shit he was doing to them. Did I dump him then? No. Then there was the shit he pulled with having the PD call me over this bogus Sabrina character. That’s when I finally dumped him. It took me that long?!?! What the fuck was the matter with me? Guess I hated myself more than I thought and had less self-respect for myself than I thought.

Well, there’s another one that’s about to get dumped and you better believe it when I say this is it. I should’ve dumped him not too long after I left New England, too, and that’s Bob. He’s not a true friend at all. True friends don’t continually write sexual shit about people that ask them not to and true friends don’t bring up touchy subjects that they also asked them not to. I don’t care about his repetitious love for Kim. It’s boring, but there’s a difference between me asking him not to talk sexual shit about me or bringing up me making him a so-called “grandpa.” I ask the little fuck nicely, he agrees and backs off for a while, then I get excuses like he didn’t mean to hurt me, he’s only human, and so on, but this is bullshit. All he is is a selfish, rude, insensitive, self-absorbed piece of shit. You call that a friend?

So, this is what I’m gonna do. I’ve already gone through the work of stuffing all the journal sheets that go right up to when we met which takes up 22 envelopes. This way I don’t have to search for stuff about Kim and me exchanging his letters and the little games we’ve played with him. I’m mailing them out two at a time, then I’ll just be gone with no explanations whatsoever. He isn’t even worth that much.

Another reason I’m dumping him is cuz I really believe now that he’s guilty as charged. I always wondered why he didn’t have a kid. All child molesters and rapists have kids and you can’t possibly have one without the other. It’s just like how gas tanks go with cars, diapers go with babies, keyboards go with monitors. As soon as he told me he had a kid, I knew he was guilty. Along with the fact that 99% of the things he talks about is sex.