I thought the little fuck next door just blasted in, but instead, it was that killer stereo that drives by every so often.

I typed up a list of commonly used phone numbers by us and put copies by the computer phone and the living room phone. I also made Tom a wallet-sized one and I typed up all the numbers and addresses that were in journal 54 and then taped them into the last few blank pages. I still have a few blank pages for if we update it, but eventually, I’ll carry numbers and addresses over into some other journal.

Anyway, my emotions and my period don’t seem quite normal, as usual. These days, I never know what to expect in the way of periods. Usually, as soon as I bleed my mental state perks right up, but for most of today, I was really bumming. After a good cry, then doing things that I enjoy, it helped a little, even if the problem’s still there and always will be. When I have a full flow, I usually have it for about 5 hours, but I barely full-flowed for an hour this time around.

Tom really confuses the hell out of me. I just don’t get the things he says. He says stuff like he’s completely sure that there’s nothing wrong with my plumbing. We’ll have a kid. He doesn’t know when anymore, due to his being wrong about October and he wouldn’t tell me if he did know cuz I’m resistant to change. Since when have I ever tried resisting to good changes that I wanted, even if they did seem a bit scary and overwhelming? And now, after all this time, he says he doesn’t have any guesses as to when I’ll be pregnant? Well, he sure as hell has made enough guesses about that in the last few years, always saying he’d be surprised if I weren’t pregnant by certain time frames. Yeah, I’m full of surprises all right. How long is it going to take him to see that I’m right? How in the hell can he think I’m fertile after 4 months of screwing? OK, so we don’t do it enough and we probably never will so who knows if we could ever hit it right, but look at all those people out there that screw as much as we do or even less and they have no problem within 1-3 months. I think it’s very rare for people to screw around here and there or often for several months before they make a baby. I suppose it’s possible for some people to screw around for years and not hit it right, but I don’t think that’s a common occurrence. I should’ve known better than to get that ounce of hope up when he began cumming last July. Now, I’m back to having all the old feelings back that I had before July. It’s almost worse in a way, now, cuz now the finality of my worst fears is setting in and boy is that a slap in the face. It’s one thing to fear, feel, and suspect you’re sterile, it’s another to actually see it. And now I’m seeing it.

I wish I could get Tom to screw me every day around when I’m mid-cycle, but there’s no way he’s ever gonna change that. If it’s not a question of our schedules, he’ll be tired, busy, sore, sick, etc. But if we could just do that as I expressed to him and as he agreed, (we know he doesn’t do everything he agrees to, though), then I could either get a damn good surprise and conceive, or logically speaking, I could advance my sterility belief to the max, (it’s close enough already, though) and begin working through it. I want nothing more, at this time, than to get on with my life somehow. The need to rid myself of all these bad emotions about never having a kid is quite immense, but how? I haven’t succeeded yet. I fear that I’ll always be like this year after year. The thought of it terrifies me.

Why can’t I just forget about the baby? Why can’t I look at all the cons of having a kid and let that help me through this depressing time? How many more years am I gonna be forced by God to feel as I do, no matter how hard I try to get out of it? Why can’t I be happy? I just want to be happy most of the time. I know I can’t be happy all the time, but why not most?

Tom and I are just not sexually compatible for the most part. I always knew it. It’ll never change. There’s always a problem with me or him. Another month of us having sex about 5 times and him getting off 3 of those times will enhance my fear that he might be losing his desire for a kid. I believe it when he says he still has the desire, but does he want it as much? I really, really do get the feeling that he wants to stall it.

The cigarette machine is just about done. In fact, I tested it last weekend. Could he be waiting till I get going with that? Could it be a tease? Is he angry with me and doing it cuz of something I did to make him angry? Is he trying to instill patience in me? Could he really have a time frame in his mind set for when he’s gonna all of a sudden start screwing me like crazy? Oh, how I wish, but I feel that that’s just a dream. If we do start screwing more, will God all the more go after my female parts as a punishment or compensation?

I know some of the things I say may sound paranoid or crazy and that I analyze things too much, but it’s all I can do. I guess it’s normal for a person to sit and analyze something when they can’t actually do something about it. I’m just tired of this whole ordeal. It’s just too damn old. Why is God doing this to me? Why? I guess I’ll never know. Only have theories. If I go crying to Tom about it, he says he cares and that he’ll listen to me as much as I need him to, but I feel like my being bummed gets him bummed and even frustrated and annoyed. It’s like he can’t deal with it as well as he says he can and then I feel like he’s punishing me for the way I feel and what I have to say about it. I’m trying my damnedest to put on a smile when he’s here and not let him see me cry if I need to, but it’s hard. It’s really hard.

Last night I tried to get him to tell me why he says I’d be an above-average mom, in his opinion and he couldn’t even do that. So yes, I feel he just made it up for the sake of cheering me up.

I asked him last night if he thought we should ever get me checked out and instead of answering a normal question in a normal way, he got all exaggerated and said he didn’t know how to answer something that was make-believe. Well, I know it’s not make-believe. I just wonder when he’ll know it’s not make-believe. And admit it. I still get the feeling that he’s awfully embarrassed about ever seeing a doctor about things like this or things related to this. I feel like I could just about bet my life on him never suggesting a doctor if I don’t when he sees that year after year goes by with no baby. If I’m all wrong here, just as wrong as I was about making it to Arizona and getting married and his cumming, then when am I gonna be proven wrong and he was proven right like he swears will be the case? How many more years? And why has it taken so long? Could it be that God really does love us and will bless us with a kid eventually? Oh, come on, Mystery! Don’t go dreaming up more silly dreams. He hates me and he’ll never change his mind. I can see why it wasn’t meant for me to be here the two or so years before I did get here when Andy and I first mentioned it to my folks, but I can’t see why it’s not the so-called right time for a kid if it were a case of that. I believe we’re both as ready as we can ever be. So, if there’s more “preparing” needed to be done, as Robin says, before we can have this kid, I don’t see what it is. Is it the cigarette machine? Another house? Another job for Tom? What? And then there’s that protection theory. What if God knew that I’d be way, way, way worse off with a kid and is just trying to look out for me? I doubt that. He didn’t look out for me when I was a kid or when I was in the NHA. Why should he start now? Sure, he’s blessed me, but he’s certainly cursed me, too, even though Tom thinks that’s nonsense.

Robin tried to pass this bullshit on to me that she had to lie to me cuz sometimes one has to be thrown down before they’re picked up and then all this shit about me being in front of her with a big belly someday, telling her she was right. Good, God!

I just want this to stop. With or without a baby, I just want to stop feeling so sad, so empty, so incomplete, so cheated, so angry and so frustrated. I want to be more carefree and not be hit so hard by not getting the things I want. There could be something else I could want as bad as a kid when I wake up tomorrow. Think I can ever have it? Almost certainly not. Therefore, since I know this pattern and since this pattern is nothing new, you’d think I’d be used to it by now and not feel like such a sorry loser when I can’t get what I want.