I’m in one of the worst moods possible right now. First of all, another negative baby dream last night. It was about how that’d be all I’d ever see or hear, no matter where I went like it is on TV. It seems like the worse of a mood I’m in and the more I yearn for the child I’ll never have, the more it’s on TV.

I’ve been having horrible feelings about God not only not giving me things that really matter to me but taking away the things I do have that matter to me. I made the incredibly stupid mistake of begging God to please stop torturing me and to please just let me be happy and at peace with myself and life and not put me in for female problems. I could’ve kicked myself for this and I told myself, you’re really in for it now! How dumb can you be?

Sure enough, my CDs won’t play. It’s just like the last time. Tom found a piece of my hair wrapped around the motor, which is the logical part of it, but I still find this all a hell of a coincidence. Right after praying. Two CD players right in a row. Something that means so much to me. Right after having the feeling about this.

Oh, so God’s gonna hurt Tom, too, cuz he means so much to me? Kill him? Kill my animals? Make my hair fall out? Burn my journals? Take my voice away? What the fuck is he gonna do to me next? I’m afraid to even walk around. For all I know, he could have me fall down and break my neck so I have to live my life in a wheelchair.