Got my period, just like I knew I would. I’m gonna tell Tom that I’m not gonna dog him about it, like he said I could, cuz it’s not his fault. The only one at fault is God and the only way I’d dog Tom would be if I saw he wasn’t putting any effort into upping the amount of sex. I’ll also tell him I’m gonna have a November period, so get "even" with me and prove me wrong. I know he can’t, though, cuz he can’t fight God and win, any more than anyone else can. I’m sterile and that’s all there is to it.

I wonder, though, could Tom do anything to himself to make him sterile? If he has, he’s sure managed to keep it hidden from me and I should think and hope that he’d never do a thing like that to me. He always swore that if he didn’t want a kid, he’d tell me flat out. I just hope he isn’t and doesn’t go playing any kind of games with me. Call this extremely paranoid, but you can never know if someone truly gets off deep down seeing someone else be miserable. I already know, for example, he deliberately places stuff out of position and you know I’m rather eccentric about stuff like that. I can tell it’s deliberate most of the time cuz you can see that he took the time to study how I’d place certain objects so he could place them differently. No amount of bitching about this or telling him, hey, this really means a lot to me as the designer and caretaker of the interior of the house, has ever stopped him from doing this, either.

I don’t see how Tom could believe I’m not sterile. All that spotting episode was about was God’s way of teasing me by throwing 10% of hope into me, so he could snatch that away for a good laugh. And a damn good laugh I’m sure it was for him.

The night before last, I was woken up by what I was sure was next door, but Tom said he didn’t hear a thing and that even he was quiet. I had him go check to see if there was a vehicle next door and he said there wasn’t. Then I checked at 2 AM and at sunup and there wasn’t. I don’t think they’ve been around since last Friday, actually. I wonder if this has something to do with the vibe I felt about them leaving, even though that had gone away. Maybe they just went on a trip somewhere, cuz no one’s moved any stuff out of there that I’ve heard of. So that leaves 4 theories. It could’ve been that super loud stereo that drives by the house, although he’d have heard that. It could’ve been a non-musical sound. It could’ve been me dreaming or maybe he banged the wall to get me back for waking him up two nights before that when I was freaked out about the stereo breaking.

Yesterday I thought I was coming down with a cold cuz my throat was irritated, but luckily I woke up fine. Tom left me a message, cuz I was asleep when he got home, saying he thinks he may have gotten my cold. Why is it that he gets what I get? Toothaches, colds, etc.? Is this a guilt trip cuz of my complaining about it, an excuse to be sick to get out of doing things, or a weird coincidence?

It was freezing in here when I got up, so I worked out to warm up. Also, I’ve never been so flabby in my life. I don’t think I was even this flabby when I was big, so I told myself, look. You’re never gonna be hopelessly fat cuz of having a kid, so just take care of your body. Get thin and fit and stay that way. So even if I can’t always make myself stick to it, I’ll at least stick to it whenever I can and for as long as I can.

Tom also left a message saying that he tested the stereo out for hours and that it’s fine. I said to myself, oh yeah? Well, as soon as I go test it out and God sees that it’s me listening to it, it’ll fuck up.

But it didn’t. So far. Tammy said she thinks we shouldn’t bother touching it and that we should take the stereo, the receipt, and the warranty back and have them exchange it. She said she’d be pissed too, and that she was pissed cuz she went through the same thing and it took her 3 stereos to hit it right.

I’m getting more and more fed up with Tammy’s moods and tenseness and her ways. I mentioned that journal 1 will be 9 years old on the 27th and I got, “I’m not interested in your journals.” 

I feel like I’m walking on eggshells when I talk to her. She’s never interested in anything, yet it’s perfectly OK for her to tell me the same things over and over again that she's into and that doesn’t interest me, yet I don’t tell her I don’t care or am not interested. Is she that jealous or that insecure with herself that she has to have such problems dealing with those who are different than her? She and Mom and Dad all should take a good look at themselves in the mirror and ask themselves why they’re like this.

It’s human nature for a person to discuss what’s going on in their lives and their interests, but when you can’t even talk about that, what can you talk about? So I told Tammy this and I told her I don’t expect anyone to be what I want and kiss my ass and the same goes for me, so I’m just gonna deal with her by AOL for a while and she can do what she wants.

I’m playing a wicked prank on my parents. I thought it was about time and perfect timing, too. I was laughing so hard at the idea and boy are they gonna be confused!

I’m on the phone now with Andy. He and Quinn are having it out on the phone right now. Quinn’s such a sicko. A rude, selfish little bastard. Quinn keeps saying he doesn’t need to explain himself, but he is. Then he finally got honest and admitted he’s only looking out for himself and he doesn’t care about others.

As far as the prank on my folks, I wrote a wacky, senseless letter to them. Nothing threatening or sexual, of course, just weird. I’m sending the letter to Kim to send it to them. That way it’ll be postmarked MA and they won’t recognize Kim’s handwriting when she addresses it to them and writes the bogus return address. I typed it in a basic and very standard font that any computer or typewriter can do. I’m sure I’ll be one of their top suspects, but they do have a lot of enemies they left behind in MA. If they ever ask me about it, I’ll either just laugh and let them know I just had to play with them or maybe I’ll deny it and let them think about it some more.

When I address their envelope, the return address will be from Springfield. I signed the letter from “C.J.” As for the mention of Gene? I know I’ve heard them mention a guy named Gene as a friend of theirs. Anyway, here’s the letter.

Dear Arthur,

Just got this daisy wheel to get used to and how are you and Doe? Please come see us the next time you’re in Massachusetts. It’s been a while and it’s not worth it here.

Sorry to hear about Gene, but if it’s not in his genes, he can’t wear jeans. It’s always good to eat before watching TV because then you can understand the dialogue better. Amy and Dan are always on time these days, but they have to count their ABCs better. When you last spoke to me, I didn’t want to throw a vase of flowers out the window, I just wanted to run and hide. That way you wouldn’t be able to see that I had my tie on backward.

How goes it with you and your family? Oh, I know. I think it means that a candle has to be spared for some kind of gypsy culture, right? I heard all about it. I’m so sorry, but the weather’s been quite damp and rainy here and I can’t even see the way to the ballgame. Did you drive up recently? I heard on my scanner that honey goes with tea quite well.

Don’t worry about a thing. I know how to reach you in case of an emergency. I’ll give you a buzz one of these days real soon so we can discuss how wood is related to metal.

I can relate to those who have a true value in what they see. If it’s not a case of a fluke, it doesn’t mean that we can’t walk to our cars in the mornings. I see your logo. I see it even when it’s dark. It means a lot to me and I’d really like to try to tie together some kind of connection. There is no king without a queen and if being a rock means being that, I’d rather be a piece of mud. Wouldn’t you? I guess so, anyway, and it’s a long way to go before we have any viceroys. Stop being as sad as you were when you were thrilled, or else I’ll have to water down the hose outside the place here. I hope for a red one, so I can see how tasty the countertops are. Qualms are ready to be taken advantage of and so is a weird dog bone.

Hey, I tried, OK? Don’t blame me for being a clock on the wall that has no Halloween candy. I can’t help it, but I can help falling down when I sit in a crème-colored chair. Don’t you see? See it? It’s here. It’s here now. Come follow me and I’ll show you the man who adopted that attitude.

C.J.

Later...

Just went to put out my final mail to Bob and I saw next door’s jeep there. Then a few minutes later they left quietly. I heard 3 doors shut, so this must either mean that one door was to put the kid in back in a car seat, the other was for her, and then one for him. I think they all leave together for the most part. Then she either comes in with him or with someone else. This could’ve also meant that he packed stuff to take wherever they’re moving to if they really are moving. They moved in little by little and I never really noticed or heard them move in as I did with the M's, so maybe they’re moving out little by little and are gonna spend more and more time at the new place. That’s how they moved in here. They did it gradually. They might’ve rented this house temporarily till they could get some other house they wanted more. Or maybe they’re going into an apartment, condo, or townhouse. It still seems too soon for a person renting a house to move and there’s no for-sale or for-rent sign up. I just hope that whenever the hell they move God doesn’t put another car stereo blaster there or increase the ones that go down the street. Let him give me back the dogs and kids, if he must do something, cuz I can sleep with them and a fan or a radio drowns them out when I’m up.

The feeling of them moving is up once again. Not too strong, but it’s there. I don’t know if it’s just wishful thinking or just cuz of another trip out of town or whatever. I just wish I could have mysterious neighbors that I never know if they’re home or not or what the hell they’re up to and all about.

So far, I’ve learned to cook 3 things. Barbecued ribs, spinach pie, and pot roast.

Later...

The kids two yards down are out there yelling now, but I figured they would throughout the winter when I saw they got those monkey bars. It’s not my favorite thing to hear, but it’s tolerable after dealing with that bass and they can’t be heard in the house like the M’s kids could be heard in here loud and clear. They still live out front a lot, too, and I never hear them, so that’s nice. Anything’s better than bass. The bass is like having every part of every wall, window, and ceiling pounded.

Does Tom know something I don’t know? Or is he just too hopeful in a naïve and unrealistic way or does he just not want to admit it to further my own disappointment and belief in the fact that I’m sterile? I hate to tell him this, but it’s gotten way too obvious that my worst vibe/feeling has come true, so why is he so sure I’m not sterile? He still tells me I’m gonna be wrong about the kid, wrong about when I say I can’t quit smoking, and wrong about when I say I could never maintain a schedule. Oh yeah? How? When?

I told him, “You said I wouldn’t get an October period and you were wrong. I say I’ll get a November period too, so prove me wrong and beat God.” 

Whether he knows it or not, I’m gonna come out the sorry winner even though I’d give anything to be proven wrong on the kid, the smoking, and the schedule.