All’s still cool with next door. A few spurts of about 2-6 door slams here and there, but that’s it. I hear the dog, too, in spurts, but it’s like that old man’s dog. Meaning, it doesn’t bark nearly as much as the two dogs do.

Even though I’m now happy to know that that’s not Mike living there, he was doing their yard work, as I said, so she still didn’t believe the letter. I knew she wouldn’t, but I couldn’t resist.

The phone’s ringing now, but I’m ignoring it. Nothing but sales calls and Andy at this time and Andy and I just exchanged messages. He just doesn’t get it, as far as my not wanting so many calls goes. This phone company is so fucked. When someone leaves you a message, that also has voice messaging, it says you can hit 8 to reply, but it tells me I can’t reply to non-subscribers. But he is a subscriber.

I just checked the box and this is the second unavailable in a half-hour's time today. Even the pushiest sales calls aren’t made on a daily basis, so I wonder if it’s someone we know who’ll know it’ll just say unavailable, but neither of us has any enemies that I know of. Any enemies I used to have are from years ago and they’d have to find out I’m married and my name somehow, so I don’t know what to make of it. I did pick up on one of those calls once and it was some long-distance phone company and they said they wouldn’t call the same number daily, but most of the calls don’t ring long enough for me to get to the phone. The consistency of the calls, combined with the fact that they only ring 2-3 times, makes me wonder if it could be someone from the past. The only one from my past that I had problems with who knows where I am and my name would be Jenny C. But if she’s working sitting behind a switchboard all day, bored out of her mind, why would she bother? She never called every day and let it ring 2-3 times in the past. I don’t see how it could be Fran, either, cuz it wouldn’t say unavailable. When she and Larry, then Larry and I discussed our talking, writing and my sending her that phone certificate, I knew deep down, and Jenny knew, that she never intended to call in the first place, so I’d think she wouldn’t bother calling this way, either.

Anyway, Tom’s still got a very bad cough and if he can’t cough this up in a few days, he’ll go to a doctor. I kind of wish he’d see one anyway. A check-up couldn’t hurt, it’s been a while since he’s had one, and maybe he could get some answers as to why he’s sick and tired so much of the time. Then if he fixed that, and were awake and healthier more often, God would step in and do something else to steal our time away. Again, why does God have to stick problems with sex or a not frequent enough sex life on top of my having to deal with the fact that I’ll never have a child? Can’t he just leave all to be well and good in bed? He sterilized me, so what’s he worried about? And even if I weren’t, God can do anything. So if he wanted me childless, he could make sure nothing ever hooked. Guess I just gotta keep on paying for the attitudes of the Jews thousands of years ago.

Earlier, I told Tom, “I know you love to disagree with me and I know how stubborn you are, but notice how much we’ve been getting along better since we haven’t had sex. This way I can’t say you’re playing games and I don’t have to worry about there not being enough sex, either.”

Naturally, he disagreed, but he tried to soften it down by saying, “I’m not disagreeing with you just to disagree with you, but that time we got all frustrated with setting up the new cage (I’ll get to that after), we both took it into consideration that I was sick, so we didn’t push it, but hadn’t I have been sick, we probably would’ve fought more.”

I’m not saying any marriage is perfect or without arguments of some kind, but before, most of our squabbles were over sex and a kid. And even though us fighting over sex and the kid wouldn’t change things, without the sex, there’s no fighting over that.

Then I asked him what he wanted to do, A - keep going without sex, or B - accept the fact that after over 3 years we just weren’t meant for a full-time, normal sex life or a kid and just deal with it and take what sex we can get when we can get it. He said, “C.” Damn this stubborn, unrealistic, bullshitting, arrogant, joking husband of mine! Of course, C means more sex and also, of course, he still thinks I’m OK. I still don’t know if he really believes I’m OK or knows I’m not, but doesn’t want to admit that to either him or me, but still, why is it that he too, wishes for the impossible (whether or not the things he says he wishes for are true or not)? The only difference is, is that I know my dreams are impossible. He may too, and I still think he might and also that his heart isn’t in what he says he wants. Yes, God has the final say over what someone wants, but if he wanted sex more often, he’d have put forth more effort a long time ago for that. So like I said, if full-time normal sex hasn’t been the case yet, it’ll never be the case, and the same goes for the kid. Things like that don’t suddenly, or even slowly, change in this day and age. God and Tom, but mostly God, made up their minds on how things are always gonna be about that.

I talked to Tammy earlier, but first let me say this - obviously this deal with Lisa and her chorus and solos which was very hyped up cuz she would’ve sent the videos of it if it were just as she said it was. I think Lisa sings OK, has great potential, and did have a solo but not as grand of one and as many of them as Tammy claimed, and like I said, she and Lisa gave two different stories about that Broadway thing. I know my sister. When she can’t brag about something wonderful going on with her, which isn’t too often with all she’s gone through and continues to go through, she uses her kids to get attention by them either being ill or being involved in something wonderful. At least she’s doing better than our mom did. Better to falsely brag about your kids or to exaggerate something going on with them that’s good, rather than to talk bad about your kids and cut them down to others.

She claims that Sarah got a legit modeling offer and that they’ll represent her for a year. She doesn’t know what’s going to be going on, though, as far as what they’ll use her for. She said it could be magazines, movies, etc. Tammy said she is a beautiful child who’s very photogenic. Well, I hate to say this and this is something I’d never dare tell my sister even if I was pissed at her and I know I could be wrong, it’s just a matter of my opinion, I haven’t seen but two pictures of Sarah and not her in person for many years, but I really don’t think she’s that beautiful. I’ve seen lots of beautiful children on TV and in magazines and Sarah doesn’t look anything like these children. I still hope that this is for real and that it does work out, cuz I want Sarah and all of them to be happy.

Tammy said that yes, when Mom and Dad die, they will be buried in MA and that she told Mom and Dad that if Ronnie’s there, she’ll shoot him herself. Good for her! Yeah, I meant it, too, when I said that if he’s there at their funerals, I’ll personally remove him myself and maybe even kick his ass.

Later...

Yesterday we got the cage I’ve been wanting for Teddy Bear. Mary was a little off on her description of what it entailed, though. It does come with a wheel and 2 of the 4 holes don’t have connectors. I forgot that there’s a side hole too, so you can connect it to other cages. I have it connected to Mary’s cage. The new cage is great, and I love it, but we need a few more straight tubes to run up to the upper levels easier. I also got a hideaway, too, and it’s nice.

Play City makes 3 different cages with different designs and originally, I was gonna get the other one they make (since I have two), a maze that you can attach to these cages, and another male hamster. Now I’ve decided that I’ll drop the maze. I mean, I’d take it if one fell in my lap, but I don’t think it’s all that worth it. Instead, I’ll get that other house and one of those black gerbils I saw and liked. They’re about the same size as Teddy Bear and they’re not nocturnal. So when I’m up at night, the gerbil would be crashed, but Teddy Bear would be up. When I’m on days, Teddy Bear would be crashed and the gerbil would be up. I don’t see why they couldn’t get along and live together. If a guinea pig and a rabbit can, why not a hamster and a gerbil?

The reason I decided on a gerbil instead is for the variety and cuz of how Gizzy-proof I realized this cage is now. What with the way it’s now set up with that floor tube running down, there’s no way something with a tail, which can jump so easily, could escape.

Also, I know Tammy is not only hurt by the fact that Larry hasn’t contacted her since she saw him in January and over the fact that Ronnie’s been such as asshole who’s been living in the past, so I’ve decided that if I can bring about or restore any more peace in this family, great. If not, we and Ronnie will just continue to ignore each other. So, I’ve typed a letter for Ronnie and am mailing it to my folks and asking them to mail it to him. I hope that just this once, they’ll consider my feelings over his and get it to him, but I don’t know. I’d feel like they cared more about his wishes than their daughters if they didn’t get it to him, but I have to respect their decision.

Should they mail it, give it, or read it to him (I enclosed our number and address), I’m also curious as to what reaction/response I may get over it, but I highly doubt there’ll be any. You never know, though, cuz I didn’t expect that card and candlesticks from Marty and Ruth.

It was a quick letter and I told him my two points were that I was sorry that we’ve had problems in the past, but that they’re also in the past forever, and am sorry we haven’t been able to keep in touch here and there over the years. Same shit I went through and let Marty and Ruth know. I also told him that what happened with him and Tammy is none of my business, but that I was disappointed to know that they couldn’t have at least said, “Hello. How are you?” to each other last January.

I emailed Tammy and let her know about this and also left my folks a message about it, too.