Not a peep out of next door yesterday and I don’t expect I’ll hear much today, either, what with how the weather is. It really stormed like hell from about 3 AM till sunup. It’s still drizzling out now, too. It’s really cooled the temperature down, though.

Tom just left to go see if his ma wants to go to church and I expect he’ll tell everyone like he said he would, what I did earlier. When I was little, my brother and sister dared me to eat a dog cookie and so I did. It wasn’t that bad, but I’d never tried one of those pig/rabbit pellets after all these years. So, I tried one and it was so gross! I ran for the sink and spit really fast. Meanwhile, Tom got a kick out of it and was laughing his ass off.

Tom was explaining to me all about his stock options at work and how he’d know when it was the best time for us to move. Yeah, that’ll be like 5-10 years from now.

He has some different kinds of Bibles around here and I asked to see them when he gets better, cuz I want to see if they can give me any sense of understanding of my situation, although I highly doubt it. Not much in this world makes sense or can be understood, and I think it was meant to be that way. He was also explaining more of this pay for the sins of our forefathers’ shit and according to him, it’s not a Jewish relative of mine I’m supposed to be paying for that fucked up in some past generation. It’s cuz the Jews from thousands of years ago were supposed to have had a bad attitude and stopped believing. Oh, so I can’t have a baby cuz the Jews of 4000 years ago lost faith? That’s sick. Totally fucked up and sick. I thought God was supposed to be for people having freedom of choice. Some freedom and choice I’ve had throughout most of my life, huh? Still, if God wants people to choose their own ways in life, shouldn’t that include whether or not to have faith and whether or not to have a child? It’s my body and my life, so why can’t I choose what the hell I do with it?

Like I said, I believe in God. I believe there are both good and evil forces, but I don’t know if they’re both from the same origin or not. I don’t know if God is both evil and good or if God’s good and there’s an evil devil at work. But if God’s the evil party, too, then he’s got a real problem and people should re-think and re-evaluate their views of him. And if he’s not, and if it’s the devil’s work that causes a woman to be sterile and all the other bad things in this world that go on, then what’s the matter with God? Is he a wimp or something? Why can’t he overpower the devil? If he’s the master in the sky, then what’s the problem? He can’t destroy the devil? Or won’t he? Or is it him that’s got a lot of the devil in him by his own free will?

In one of the books I was reading, this guy was saying how it seemed more than obvious that God doesn’t care and there’s something up there that has the sick capability to laugh at a much-loved baby choking to death on something. Yeah, I believe that. I really really do. And I also believe that something up there is laughing really damn hard about my sterility, too. Each time it really gets to me, and on those days that can be worse than some when it really has me emotional, is its happiest days where it’s laughing so hysterically.

I still don’t believe this sterility is to protect me from what a child can do to our lives, cuz if God can do anything, you’d think he’d know how much I wanted a child, give me the child, then make sure I could handle it, but no. So, that’s how I know this is a curse. If it were meant to help and protect me, I’d think I’d be OK with it and not have such hard feelings over it. Something up there’s trying to hurt me. Curses hurt and whatever it is, it wants me hurt by this and this sterility is meant to hurt and it does. Some days are worse than others, but this is no “let’s protect and help and save Jodi and her husband from the terrible forces of a child” thing. This is a punishment, fully intended to make me feel all the emotions I’ve ever felt about it.

So, when are we ever gonna have sex again, I wonder? Yeah well, I’m just so sick of this sex in spurts thing and I don’t care who is or isn’t at fault. It’s not a question of who is or isn’t to blame. It’s a question of my being sick of the fact that I can depend on my own self for sex, but not my husband. That’s rather sad if you ask me.

Once again, if something up there wants to act like there’s a pregnancy to dodge most of the time, so will I. I’ll help it out by making sure I’ve got something that hurts or that I don’t feel well the next time I’m in the prime time that doesn’t even exist for me. Why not? I may as well play along in this game, too.

I changed Teddy Bear’s cage around again and I can’t wait for that new house! The one that Mary has a couple of. It’s bigger and it’s got a hole on the side of it so you can feed them treats. I’ll want to get a wheel to put inside it, too.

Later...

I just talked to Mary cuz I wanted to ask her how much these cages normally cost, where the best place is to get one, and what they come with. Unfortunately, they don’t come with any wheels or tubes, but they come with ring connectors. The rings that connect the tubes to the house. These are very different than the rings used to connect tubes to tubes. I’m really looking forward to getting this house and it not only has two tube extensions on top, but one in the floor, too, so it’ll go straight down into the aquarium.

No naughty freeloaders on door-slamming frenzies this weekend, but guess what? I was wrong and Tom was right about something. Mike isn’t the one who owns that maroon car, apparently. Tom kept saying something about a brown car (it’s gray, though, as my husband’s colorblind). He said he saw him doing yard work yesterday and that this gray car is what he’s now driving. So that’s why it’s been so quiet. Well, Mike’s been quiet, too, but whoever’s living there, isn’t Mike, unless he has two cars. So that time I saw a white car and a Jeep, must’ve been while Mike still had the Jeep and was visiting, then he must’ve recently got this car. So that explains the dog suddenly showing up that doesn’t fit the description of the kind of dog Mike said he was thinking of getting (although, I still wouldn’t be surprised if this dog wasn’t bought in regards to me), and the U-Haul and the boxes. Cuz like I said, he never used those to move in or out before.

My belief is that whoever lives there and owns the maroon car is a female. It’s almost always a guy thing to go blasting car stereos. This could be a good sign, too. If it stays as quiet as it has been since this person moved in, then this may mean that they’ll stay quiet and be less likely to party, unlike Mike would have. Also, if they do stay as quiet as they have been since last fall, I want them to stay there and it looks like that’ll be the case, cuz why would someone get a roommate if they were planning on moving out so soon after? This will also hopefully deter Mike from returning for good, cuz it’s a 3-bedroom house. Therefore, if it’s a roommate there or a relative, you figure that the kid’s got one room, she’s got another, and this other person has the last one. Not that Mike couldn’t sleep on the couch or with her, but things may just very well be OK after all.

Another reason I think it’s a friend or relative who’s a female and not a new boyfriend is cuz Tom said he saw him doing yard work. So, if it was a new guy, why would Mike come to do their yard work? That’s something that guys usually like to do, so I’d say it’s her and some other female in there. I don’t know if she doesn’t drive cuz she’s afraid to like I am, or cuz she can’t afford a car, but my guess is that with a house and a kid to support, she can’t afford a car and that’s why she’s got the roommate. To get rides from this person and to share expenses with them. I haven’t seen this mystery person yet, but maybe one of us will.

Mike was here today too, and he was quiet, so yeah, I really think that everyone that they know conspired to swap the music for the dog. As soon as they see they’re not getting the reaction that they expect from me, I wonder what they’ll do then, cuz it’s not just this roommate that’s suddenly quiet. It’s him and any company that they have, too.