Today was horrendous at Dr. Nielsen’s office. He’s taken on many more patients (that’s why his rates have dropped) and we had to wait nearly an hour in the waiting room, then another half hour in the exam room. It was ridiculous and I’ll never see him again. He said my ear looked great, there wasn’t much to clean out, and that I can go a year before my next check-up, as long as I don’t have any problems.

Then we went to Andy’s. His door is a perfect match for our door frame height-wise, but the width is a half-inch short. Tom says, though, we could make it fit OK. David’s now in CA, but when he returns, since he’s the only one we know with a truck, we’ll call him to haul it over here.

So, we chatted with Andy for a few minutes, then left to check and see if they had tubes at Walgreens. They didn’t, as we figured, but there we got a video cassette for filming Bunny.

Then we went to Staples, which is an office supply store, and got a video mailer, and manila envelopes and I finally photocopied my drawings for Larry, Tammy, and their families. They’ll each be getting 29 drawings. I’m sending all Tammy’s to her in a manila envelope and I’ll enclose a few in each of Larry’s letters. That’ll take 10 envelopes.

Then we went to Jack-n-the-Box and came home.

While we were on our incredibly long wait for Nielsen, I told Tom that I felt the happiest I have in a while and that I felt we’ve been getting along great since we haven’t had sex. He disagrees, but I know it was all an act just to disagree with me and perhaps even to make me feel guilty so I’d go back to that so he can play his games. Don’t get me wrong, this doesn’t mean I don’t have somewhat of a bummed feeling every so often over the fact that I know we could never have the kind of sex life I wish we could’ve had, as well as a child, but hey, it didn’t happen. It just wasn’t meant to be. If we start with the sex again, nothing will have changed. Our sex life settled into being what it’ll always be about a year ago and God made his decision about the baby when I was born, so why go do something that’s unfulfilling and that brings about so many problems and arguments?

Later...

Back again to having mixed emotions about his mom. Appointments for me and her have not only kept him from getting enough sleep (this is what I meant when I said we are a family of 3), but it’s also gonna cause us to put our lives on hold. He still hasn’t done anything to obtain that loan for the bed or the supplies to fix the roof (hopefully, and the fucking thing’s leaking now cuz it’s storming), and he puts off enough stuff on his own. She and her problems won’t help this, but somebody’s got to take care of her and Steven and Carol are out of state, Dave and Mary both work, Ray and Nora don’t care and David and Evie have two little kids.

Tom’s worried about her, though. Today they took a bone marrow sample to be tested and Tom thought it was quite a coincidence that a blood doctor who’s also a cancer specialist, had to be the one to do it. He said all the others who were there in the waiting room were there for cancer problems. The doctor’s going on vacation for two weeks and she has to wait two weeks for results. I think that if the doctor suspected she had cancer, he’d have said so, and that she wouldn’t have to wait two weeks for that. Tammy said that if they suspected she had cancer, they’d know in a day or two and call her. She also said that he might want to call them next week and demand results. It just doesn’t seem right for any doctor to do any kind of testing (especially if he suspected anything bad), leave the sample there for two weeks, then come back and test it, then call her with the results.

It doesn’t look like we’ll be picking up with sex again. Again, he says he wants it and a kid, but I still say he’s full of shit. As for me - well, it’s one thing to sit and wish for a normal sex life and a kid and another to know you’re not fated to have that. So, as much as I wish things could be different, I can’t say I’m anxious to return to a screwy sex life that only causes problems and more fights. When you can’t change something that’s bad, it’s best to get rid of it if you can and decrease the amount of problem-causing things.

Yesterday Tom told me he was miserable. It kind of went without saying that it was over not having sex, even if I didn’t buy it. I asked him, then why he hadn’t appeared to be so miserable and why hasn’t he spoken up about it? His excuse was that he had his way and I had my way. Well, he’s told me before about things that didn’t make him too happy, so why wouldn’t he this time? Cuz maybe he’s really not all that miserable after all, huh? I still say he’s got zip of an appetite for sex, and zip of a desire for a child, and that he’s enjoying every minute of this. Well, I hope he enjoys it a lot more than he did playing sex games and teasing and lying about what we did in bed each time and his deliberately not cumming much. Our sex life peaked and settled into what it was gonna be the day he first came. It was never going to change anymore, and I didn’t like the way it was, so what can I say? I mean, I liked his going down on me and when he was in there, but is it worth it? Is it worth all the other shit it entails? No. It isn’t.

It looks like tomorrow will be the day that we go to Red Lobster and that she visits, which I’m really looking forward to. The only shitty thing about going on the weekend is that I know that restaurant will be full of screaming kids since no one cares to teach their kids proper behavior. Yes, it’s certainly a kid’s world out there now, whereas when I was a child, it was an adult’s world.

Oh, and I can’t believe I forgot to mention this, but the day we got Teddy Bear’s new edition, our phone bill came. Tom took one look at it and said he no longer felt bad about the $40 from Mary. Apparently, airports charge an outrageous fee to call collect and it was $21 for 8 minutes, but only $6 for Bob’s collect call for 12 minutes.