I forgot to mention that a few weeks ago Marla wrote me a little poem called Mystery. This was after we shared each other’s poems and songs. I forgot to print it out. Anyway, she said to write one for her about whatever I wanted to and yesterday, the words just suddenly popped into my head and I came up with Closer with the Distance. It’s in my songs file on the computer and I’ll also write it in my written journal.

Tom slept 8 hours yesterday after being up for a long time. Then, he said he was tired but that he still felt like he could run a marathon, but wouldn’t touch me. He ended up going back to sleep 5 hours after he got up to get even more sleep, but why wouldn’t he touch me last night? Cuz he knew it was a good time for catching babies if you’re a normal woman that can do that, that’s why. I wanted to shake him and scream at him - I’m not fertile!!!

Anyway, we all can’t help what scares us, but we did have some great fun today. He said he had a mini orgasm, then tried to do a big one after and that the increased frequency of sex is getting him in shape for it. I don’t think he came at all the more I think about it, but it was still a lot of fun and as long as we have sex more often, that’s all that really matters. As long as he’s happy, it’s OK. It’d bother me more if I were fertile and had a normal shot at a child, but if this is what makes him happy, I want him to be happy and I don’t want him to ever do anything that’ll scare him. I also realize more and more that maybe it really, really is best to hang onto our freedom and our time together and once again, if we had all our dreams granted, what would be left? Also, it may be good for me to not get the things I want really bad, cuz it’s both a punishment for anything I’ve ever done wrong in my life and it does me well by making me stronger and more used to losing or just never getting the things I really want most. If something’s not meant to be, you don’t have to put any effort into making sure it doesn’t happen, but it still makes me feel stronger and a better person for going along with fate, so to speak. I think that the more I look at the bright side of never having a kid and the reasons why it couldn’t and shouldn’t be, and the more I don’t fight against fate but go along with it, the stronger and happier I’ll feel.

Miraculously, Piggy’s still hanging in there. I say miraculously, cuz it’s been almost 48 since he’s had any food or drink. I don’t know how he can hang on like this, but he is. I also don’t know how much longer he can go without food or water, but we just can’t get him to eat or drink.

Tom and I talked more about what Mom said and we both disagree with her. First of all, vets really only deal with cats and dogs and Piggy’s so old. Also, this is how they go in the end and there’s nothing that can be done. Once a GP gets sick, they never get better, cuz they have no immune system.