El cocko just may not be there tonight after all. I didn’t hear any door slamming, so who knows, but get this - just when I thought I had the situation next door figured out, I’m confused again. Tom says the city van was there again today. He said the door to the van was open and it looked like it was filled with cleaning stuff. What? Are they now having their house cleaned for free, too?

Later… 

I’m filling the pool up now! It took about two hours to fill the spa and now I’m working on the main part, which will take close to two days. The light’s burned out back there, but between the water’s reflection and the bright moonlight, I can see the water level perfectly.

I knew it. Here are the signs saying Andy isn’t gonna go back east. He said he’s been too impulsive and needs to work a couple of months and plan his trip before he goes back east, etc. He won’t go. I know he won’t. And after these couple of months, he’ll need a couple more, then a couple more, etc.

Later…

Tom made the excuses I knew he would to bail out of sex - he’s too tired. If something doesn’t hurt, and if he’s not sick, he’s tired. Or too busy. I know my schedule’s not the greatest, but still, he did just what I knew he’d do. I knew he’d either not cum or avoid sex altogether.

Maybe, despite my low libido these days, I should go to a doctor for his sake, just to prove to his subconscious that he has nothing to fear. Nah - I’ve had enough medically between the ear, the asthma, the braces, and so much more. On the other hand, with that gorgeous Melanie Marie, braces aren’t such a bad thing. Out of everyone I’ve seen in the medical profession (physical), she’s the best-looking I’ve ever seen. Most of them are plain or downright ugly, like Kim.

So, is Mr. Fuck parked next door? And what the fuck’s going on? I’d say Mr. Fuck is not parked there. I don’t smell or sense any garbage just outside here, but what is going on? Are the trips he’s making to haul shit out? Or what? I don’t see them going anywhere for a while, as I said before.

The pool’s coming along really well. It’s hard to measure where it’s at since the bottom’s basically U-shaped. Remember, the center’s the deepest at 5’ and the ends are about 3’. It’s a volleyball pool. If the spa took two hours, I’m sure the main pool will take 20. Maybe more.

I forgot to see if I could read what Melanie’s last name is. Maybe when she’s turned to writing in my file at her counter, behind the head of the chair we patients sit in, I can glance at it without giving myself away.

Later…

The water’s almost up to the bottom step, but there’s still a long way to go.

It’s fucking freezing out there! Is this winter ever going to end? It just seems like that hot weather is never gonna get here! It’s April, yet we still need heat at night. After that one time a couple of weeks ago, summer started to pop through and we needed the cooler on, it’s been shitty. It’s OK during the daytime, but at night it’s bone-chilling cold!

Later…

I forgot to say that Marla emailed me saying that it’d be a bad move for Andy to go back east and that he hasn’t called her cuz he knows she’ll try to talk him out of going. I told her that I agree it’d be a bad move and I don’t think love is meant to be for him no matter where he lives, so he ought to just stick around and enjoy the nicer weather. I haven’t tried to influence him one way or the other, though, cuz it’s his life and this decision has to be his.

Later…

I haven’t even been up two hours yet, yet I’ve heard at least 5 stereos so far. Like I said, it’s horrendous now. Not a day goes by that you don’t hear several.

I was wrong but should’ve known better about the freeloader. The freeloader was there last night. I saw it leave this morning. So maybe it took some of its stuff that would be more obvious to the city. However, that wouldn’t stop him from physically being there when he normally is. The city comes in the daytime when he’s working. The bottom line is that they’re not moving, and I have mixed emotions about that.

Tom didn’t leave me a message as to what time to wake him up. He has to leave at 1:30, but I’ll shoot for 11:30 and not bother leaving time for sex. First off, I’m not in the mood. Secondly, I know he’ll be scared to screw around at this time, so we won’t.

Later…

Haven’t heard any slamming. Is there a freeloading cock over there tonight?

Hopefully, the guard dogs and old man’s dog will settle down for the night. It was kind of nice today, so as the weather finally warms up, the barking will extend into the night. Last summer wasn’t bad at night as far as barking from these dogs go, cuz I had the freeloader’s dog to listen to. However, if the freeloaders don’t get another dog in June, then these dogs will compensate and will bark more.

Mom called and we talked. She told me about some stuff she’s sending, which I’ll get into once I get it. Unfortunately, these packages may come while we’re in CA, so hopefully the freeloaders will keep their paws off of them.

Mom sounded tired, but pretty relaxed and in a good enough mood. I teased her about playing with the mice when she comes to visit, she said that was a nice compliment when I said nobody decorates as nicely as she does. Dad was out playing bingo.

At first I was guarding the kittens against mama bitch when they ate and was just keeping her away from the food, but now I’m chasing away White Paws, too. The only cat I like is Blackie. She’s the friendliest, but her brother’s a little prick. A good 99% of the obnoxious nighttime noise with the banging on the walls, windows, and doors, is compliments of White Paws.

Later…

It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a freeloader! Yeah, I’m pretty sure I heard it about a half-hour ago. The last couple of days, it’s been shutting doors quieter at night, but slamming the shit out of them in the morning when it leaves. I could hear it both over the sound machine and the fan and if it wakes me up – well – need I say any more?

Later…

What, did Andy use this I’m-going-back-east BS as an excuse to bug me? Now he wants me to put through a call to David. If he can restrain himself from the pot, why can’t he restrain himself from long-distance phone calls? Can’t he use some of the money he’s saving from not getting high on removing his long-distance blocks? Sometimes I really wish he’d go back east! But like I said, it’s not gonna happen.

The water’s finally just covering the bottom step. It took forever for the water to go from right at the step’s edge, to covering the step. Of course, it won’t fucking rain now that we’re filling up the pool and help it fill up faster! If we weren’t ready to fill it up, it’d rain. It’s like needing to borrow money when no one has it to lend to you, but then when you have money, people offer you a loan.

I took a dump yesterday and dropped back to 124, and I was hoping I could do that again today, but it doesn’t look like I will. What is it with this shitting every other day? For a while there, I went every day and was only stuck once a week.

Later…

I forgot to mention, Tom’s always been rather manipulative when it comes to getting his way in bed. Not only will he make excuses to cover his fears, but he tends to take advantage of certain things. He knows how I feel about talk. He knows that to me, actions speak louder than words. So what I’m saying is, I know another reason he’s stalled on making a doctor’s appointment, isn’t just out of fear. He’s doing it with the hopes that I’ll say, “Well, if he’s stalling, then he can’t want to take the steps towards having a child all that bad, therefore, neither do I.” 

Again, no problem. I just don’t want it anymore. I don’t need it, I don’t want it, and I’m not gonna go through what Larry and Tammy did/do, etc. It doesn’t matter anymore where we are or what I can handle, it’s all a matter of protecting myself from a life of hell. I’ve had a life of hell in the past and I’ll be damned if I let it go to hell in the future. I’m not giving up my freedom or my life just so I can sit and have new things to suffer for. So, Tom doesn’t have to worry about doctors. Besides, God’s on my side as far as a kid goes (I never thought we’d be on the same side about anything)! And Tom would just manipulate things. He just wouldn’t be “able” to do the things they’d recommend. They treat couples as one when it comes to fertility programs, so when he refused to cum for them, which would be required, he’d just oh so conveniently not be able to do so, and therefore, we’d certainly be out of luck. They couldn’t make him get off, either, if he didn’t want to. So even if I still wanted one, why fight a battle I’d only lose?

Now Andy’s not going back for a year and a half and says he hopes David will wait for him. Right! He’s not going back there and we both know it. Now Andy, leave me alone with the fucking phone for a while!