Just left Kim some emails and said goodbye to Evie and told them to have a good time in CA. I’m sure I’ll have quite the email from her when she gets back. Again, I don’t know how she can find the time to sit and send me so many emails and how this family of 4 can take off as much as they do, but postal employees do make a lot of money. I don’t envy her, though. Packing and traveling when there are just two adults is a bitch and is tiring, so I couldn’t imagine having to handle and survive lugging kids along. That’d not only be an impossible burden that’d steal any privacy and time alone away from us, but it would also detract from the whole vacation itself.

I thank God for allowing me to no longer desire a child. There’s nothing worse in life than having something impossible just eat and eat away at you. I’d never have been able to get by both God and Tom, had I wasted my time going to a doctor. So I’m proud of myself for not going, cuz even if God/devil didn’t exist, the fact that Tom wouldn’t squirt for them or do anything that they suggested to help us, would always have been a factor. He’d have conned us out of a kid, even if it were possible, although I don’t think the doctors would’ve been stupid. I think they’d have been able to see that Tom believes he’s sincere when he says he wants a kid, but that deep down, that’s a whole different story. Some of it may be in his conscious from statements he’s made against having a kid when we first met. But then he just kind of gave in and was like “yeah, yeah” and just going along with me to tell me what I had wanted to hear. I don’t condone his doing that, but that’s all in the past. Now we can move on to bigger, better dreams that I can handle and that we both want. And now I can be glad he doesn’t want a child and that he won’t mention it if I don’t, whether it’s subconscious or not, cuz you always want to have common goals with the one you love. When you have a major thing that one wants while the other doesn’t, it’s tough. The one with the tools, power, etc., to get their way, will be the one to win (like Tom would always win with the kid if I had continued to want that, cuz he’s the one with the dick who can conveniently not be able to get off during mid-cycle), but still, it’s nice to both want big things like with our moving. I may want to move more than he does, but at least he does want to move, too.

The only other thing that I think he’s not honest about is how much he says he wants sex. Even when there is an opportunity for more sex, he doesn’t take it, but like I said, I no longer have a big appetite for sex, I’m bored with our sex. You get sick of doing the same old things with the same old person after so long, but this does not mean that I love him any less and don’t want to be with him. I love him to death and I want to be with him forever. Nowadays, I prefer to just take care of myself. This way I can hit the right spot and go at my own pace. A partner can’t do this as well for you. Even a good one and even one with the same body parts. So, I told him he could order me a vibrator from this catalog, but I don’t know if he will. He won’t admit this, but I don’t think he’s too thrilled about my using a vibrator and therefore, he’ll stall on the order. Hey, we all use a little something, don’t we? He uses vitamin E to up his appetite (not that I think it’s worked) cuz he doesn’t desire me enough naturally. Well, I think it’s more the baby fear that snuffs his appetite since he’s always said sex is a mental thing for him and not what he sees with his eyeballs. For once, he told the truth when it came to sex! Maybe someday I’ll need a hysterectomy. That way I won’t have to deal with periods, and he won’t have to have any lingering doubts as to me being infertile. Speaking of infertility, and weird periods, I asked my mom’s opinion. She too, feels what’s gone on with me is normal. Good, cuz I don’t have any bad vibes and I know God’s not gonna spoil me. He may let me off the hook as far as wanting a kid/being burdened with one, but he’s not gonna free me of those periods just yet! That’s OK, though. We can’t have it all.

Tom was right about those potatoes. They really do clean you out and help with being more regular. Instead of shitting every other day, I actually have some days where I shit just 24 hours after my last shit! Whoopee!

Speaking of how he hops to it when it comes to the things he really wants (this is human nature, though), he called for an appointment for them to come out and check things over for an AC/heat pump.

Tom brought home a little white, round, plastic table with a hole in its center for its umbrella from Ma’s and it is sooo nice! The umbrella’s got ugly colors, but who cares? It’s just so nice to have.

According to Tom, the freeloader’s Jeep was in its carport as he pulled in at 1 PM. Back for lunch again? Either way, that better not have been the freeloader’s music I heard blaring away as I was getting up. I heard it leave later in the afternoon, but not by way of music. I heard it yelling and laughing with God knows who, then off it went.

Later…

I’m gonna be forced to feed White Paws if I want Blackie to eat. This stupid little fuck is doing the same thing he did to Bunny when I wouldn’t feed him, and he’s chasing off Blackie so he can’t eat. And the fact that I kicked at him real hard right before he chased him off did nothing to scare him. He just keeps coming back for more.